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Joy

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Twoapenny:
Do you guys experience joy?  When, where, how, what is it?  I am working very hard on myself just now.  The stress management is going well, the healthy eating is good, I've got to the point where I can't think of any more toxic people to focus my cord cutting meditations on so I've been looking into the future a bit rather than the past and I did a meditation on joy, and bringing more joy into your life.

What is it?  I honestly couldn't think of an example.  I thought back to childhood and I couldn't think of one instance of joy.  Times of relief, when my dad was there.  But pleasure of any kind was always stressful because of the fear of how you should respond to it - there would always be criticism.  I enjoyed getting drunk and taking drugs but I don't think that's joy, I think that's relief as well.  I enjoyed college as well but again, I wouldn't say I felt joy.  I liked it but it was more to do with being away from my old life and having new things to focus on.  Thought my way through to the present day and I could think of things that I like but again, it's almost always more focused on relief than anything else?  It's nice to go for a walk because it's nice to get out of the house.  I like seeing the sea, or a full moon, but I'm still not sure I'm experiencing joy?  It just feels nice not to be sat indoors.

What is it?  What's joy?  Where do you guys find it? xx

Twoapenny:
Well I have opened a great big can of worms for myself.  Lol.  I was thinking about it while I joyfully danced around the kitchen joyfully cooking dinner and wondering about it all.  And of course, it all came rushing back.  I think this is why this stuff is so hard, you never know when you're going to let something out and you don't know what it's going to be or how it will affect you - or those around you, by default.

No memories of any joyful adults, ever.  No memory of joy being encouraged.  Anything I liked doing was mocked or criticised.  No simple pleasures - no memories of playing in a sand pit or being pushed on a swing, cuddling up for a story, anything like that.  Warnings not to be 'too much'.  No real opportunities when young, no money, no effort on the part of parents to do anything with us.  More sinister when getting older - 'joyful' behaviour around step-father excited him and we know what happened after that so that had to stop.  Similarly with men in general, any signs of enjoyment seemed to be read as wanting sex or sexual attention - dancing, laughing, chatting.  Always had to be on the look out and watching your back.  Criticisms and/or lack of encouragement for things I enjoyed doing and maybe could have become good at if I'd had a bit of support when practising.  Having a wide circle of friends who mocked others who showed signs of enjoyment.  Why did I do that?  Why did I get in with people like that?  Critical of the things others enjoy.  Silly of me.  It's what felt familiar, I suppose.  Mental health problems, and any sign of enjoyment from me was taken as evidence I didn't feel as bad as I said I did.  Likewise re sexual abuse, any sign of interest in men or enjoyment of sex and it obviously couldn't have affected me that much.  Probably lying.  And with my son over the years, any joy or pleasure on my part seemed to diminish? his disabilities or care requirements in other people's eyes.  Even just recently, he had a medical appointment, there's an assessment I think he should have, he needs a referral.  Spoke to the doctor about it and his comment was 'well he seems happy enough'.  I first heard that 19 years ago when I first raised concerns about his development.  Isn't it an odd thing to say, from a doctor as well?  That if you're happy you can't be ill?  Or need any kind of test or assessment to see if more could be done to help you?  Isn't that weird.

Anyway.  It's a long list.  I've worn myself out thinking about it.  But it makes sense.  Of course I haven't experienced joy.  But now - I can find it in everything :)  I'm off to joyfully tidy the kitchen and then I'm going to joyfully go to bed :) xx

sKePTiKal:
When B isn't laid low with pain, frustration isn't besetting him re: the inanities of modern life... and we can make up our own daily agenda as we please.

It's cool in the early mornings now, dew sparkles in the leaves with the first rays of sunlight. 1000 different birds greeting the day... and the porch kitties trying to stalk the birds. (They haven't figured out the birds can fly yet!)

Yeah. It's peaceful and not a negative word is being heard... my kind of joy.

lighter:
What an amazing view of what's behind your patterns, Tupp.  Extraordinary to follow your history and see the why's and how's of your escape into joy.

I think my zealous enjoyment of Halloween ties directly to my parents involvement and joy with us, as children.  The simplest H decorations spark joy and send me right back into childhood moments.  I love it.

So glad to read you're dancing in the kitchen and noticing joy!

You're pretty amazing.  What's next?

Lighter

Hopalong:
Practically any sensate moment shared with an animal.
The day my daughter was given to me after the Casesarian.
Music, like symphonies or incredible choral or vocal work.
Silliness; goofy talk.
Holiness of snow (said the agnostic).
True surprises (rare) - unexpected flowers. Kindness.
Peace. Not as exciting as joy but I like it more.
Children. Their imaginations and openness.

hugs
Hops

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