Thanks, Lighter and His, errr Hops
Lol. Pup dates sound like the best idea ever. Love watching dogs running around enjoying themselves.
Well I am trying to take a more practical and pragmatic approach to all things. I'd like to get to a point where I don't feel that everything that ever happens is a personal attack and avoid the huge chemical dumps that seem to accompany that (currently sat with second very heavy cold in three weeks and I do think it's emotionally triggered). Also trying to be a bit more proactive when feeling down in the dumps or wishing I had certain things/people/circumstances.
So - it's beautiful here at the minute, we've had snow, drove home through it yesterday as the sun was setting, snow topped mountains and huge fir trees sparkling in the sunshine, it was absolutely beautiful. Lovely and sunny this morning and I was putting out bird food and sorting out recycling. The birds get quite close at times and at one point there was a blue tit no more than two feet away from me, perfectly happy and it felt really lovely. I really wished at that point that I had someone/some people to share those sort of moments with.
I'm just going through trying to be objective about it all but what I noticed about that is/are memories of being mocked as a child for 'sensitivities'. So my natural inclination when around something so beautiful is to keep quiet. I realised I just assume no-one I know is interested/would also find it beautiful; there are people on the internet who would but not in my real life. And that, I realised, is because I feel safer being 'vulnerable' online because of the anonymity and distance (plus block/delete functions). So I don't often take that risk with 'real' people because the possibility of being mocked/rejected feels too much.
So, with my new' Tupp the business woman' head on I thought that if I were trying to sell something to someone and they didn't want it, I wouldn't take it as a personal rejection, I'd just try someone else to see if they wanted it. So I took a pic of the beautiful scene and sent it to a friend, saying I wished they were close enough that we could get together today and enjoy the view. Of course you guessed it, they loved the pic and also said they wished that were possible. Then my inability to trust kicks in; I don't believe what they're saying because, of course, so many untruths and betrayals from others in the past. But I've no actual reason to think they don't mean it; if I'd been trying to sell something I wouldn't worry about whether they really wanted to buy it or not, I'd just be glad they bought it. So I've not let my head go into a load of different scenarios; I've 'sold' the picture and the idea it would be nice to get together and that was it.
Someone else got in touch to ask if we'd be visiting this year. Normally I feel pressure to agree, resentment that I agreed, annoyed that it's me that has to visit and so on. Decided to reply and explain the reality of our situation and how hard it makes doing trips away and realised that talking about or explaining my own needs AT ALL makes me feel like a rabbit caught in headlights. I literally froze, couldn't think what to say, couldn't even formulate the sentences. How daft is that. Anyway, tapped it out, no drama, just explained time, money, health etc, would love to meet up at some point but no idea when or where etc and, of course, the reply was completely understanding of all of that, agrees it's very difficult (their situation is not dissimilar to ours) and suggested that we figure out some way of meeting half way if and when it's possible. All easy to do because the majority of people don't behave like my mum and I really need to get that into my head now.
Then was feeling a bit down because not enough people have contacted me over the holiday period to make me feel worthwhile. So I've sat with it and started to unpack it. Feeling I need outside validation to prove my 'worthiness'; feeling very lonely and lacking in human connections but not wanting to acknowledge it to anyone (again, can remember the one time I told my mum I was lonely after breaking up with a partner and struggling to readjust and her laughing at me and this horrible mocking tone of hers, "oh, are you lonely? How pathetic. I was always too busy to be lonely". And so I've just never acknowledged it since. Thought about how I feel rejected if people don't reply or reach out first and then went back to the 'sales' analogy again. If I messaged a hundred people with information about a product I wanted them to buy, i wouldn't take their responses (or lack of) personally. Nor would I expect them to contact me first. I don't know if that makes sense but it's kind of helping me keep my reactions and emotions a bit more level and realistically proportioned. So I've messaged a whole load of people in my phone with new year wishes and I don't know, the emotional baggage that usually goes with that with me just doesn't feel as heavy. I'm not a bad person, I know that, so why would other people think I am? It's only ever been my deranged mother who's had such a problem with me, no-one else ever has. Okay, it's good, it's shifting out of the way a little bit.
Okay. Just getting it all out of my head and written down here, it kind of feels like it's alright? I'm going to eat some more snacks
