Developing A Personality

[sKePTiKal]

Maybe my impression isn't accurate - but aren't there countries where it's the norm (or at least, not uncommon) for strangers to ask to sit when there are plenty of seats? Just for the conversation?

When I was still in HS, some mornings I'd stop at the bakery - which had a little cafe - on my way to school. Every morning there was a group (a "liar's club" in some parlances) of old gents. Some businessmen, some retired, definitely a connection between them. They would discuss current events, bringing in the historical angles, making value judgements... tsk' tsking.... all of that. They would let me sit with them sometimes. I didn't talk, just listened. Guess they saw some value in that.

On the other hand, if I'm having a private convo and don't want to be disturbed - my nanosecond instinct is to flash the trespasser with "the look". I don't care if they're harmless or not; I'm guarding my space. LOL.

[lighter]

I've decided it wasn't appropriate for the old guy to approach our table, bc other tables were available AND DD and I were engaged in conversation.

There were seats everywhere....outside, inside. 

Simply asking him to wait, till we were done, was the move......even if he wanted to argue or ignore me.  Leaving would have felt less helpless.

Welp, another lesson.  Another opportunity.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

A fond (hah) memory:
In the very early 70s when I was in grad school a new female friend and I were sitting in the atrium over a beer and enjoying a very deep conversation. I know it was about ideas, writing, etc, but it was a wonderful talk in a wonderful moment.

A good-looking guy came up, gave a charming smile and said mind if I sit with you?

She and I exchanged a glance (we did mind) and I said to him very nicely and with no hostility whatsoever: Actually, we're just deep into our conversation...

I'll never forget how his face changed in one moment from heyyyyy, here I am and aren't you lucky, to a petulant rich boy who'd never been rejected. He became instantly and genuinely angry and hissed at me, "All RIGHT, Gloria Steinem!" and stomped off.

At least he'd read something. What amused (and saddened) me most was his utter shock at two women simply and politely saying No.

Faint chance, but I also wondered if Lighter's geezer creeper was just lonely? Not that this grants him permission to invade your space, but I don't think it's wrong of him to ASK, may I join you? Great opportunity for saying No.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I was thinking about the chap at the table scenario when we were out today and I was chatting to people in the queue.  It occurred to me that I very rarely, if ever, initiate conversations with men, unless it's at the checkout/ordering at a cafe and then it's just polite chit chat while I pack my shopping or wait for my food.  Women, I chat to all the time, but I've had so many times when a polite conversation with a man has quickly turned into them talking about their sexual preferences/prowess that I don't bother any more.  Either that or they just drone on about themselves without any desire to actually have a conversation.  I have been told that I have 'resting bitch face' (do you guys have that expression over there?).  That seems to put a lot of people off.  Lighter, you maybe need a mohican and loads of piercings or something, see if that makes you look less approachable   Lol.

Anyway, I've had my usual 'wading through treacle' episode after therapy.  Friday I dragged myself through, Saturday I just didn't function.  People say that your thoughts create your feelings but I'm absolutely convinced my feelings create my thoughts.  I shut down, I feel like my veins are full of sludge and everything feels too difficult, too tiring, too much.  I don't think of anything much.  Then as it starts to shift my brain starts going, oh!  Was it about that?  Oh! Perhaps you should do this?  As if it's never had a thought before.  Madness.

Anyway.  It shifted this morning and we've had a really nice afternoon out at a lovely old Art Deco theatre that was showing old Laurel and Hardy films, accompanied by live musicians   Hot chocolate afterwards and a walk by the sea.  Was blissful, home now, tired and happy.  Kitty was in a mood because he'd been abandoned for the day.  He's had some treats so he's happy again now lol.

[Hopalong]

That does sound blissful, Tupp.
So happy to hear about your afternoon.

I get it about men who consider all space (including the space between your ears) their own. And RBF, which I love. I have Resting Beagle Face, which is easier.
Unfortunately, plenty of men respond to RBtchF by trying to coerce women to smile. I say go Medusa on them! Maybe develop a scary hissssss....or slowly lower one hand into a deep pocket and glare hard. Or, just silence. Empty, bored silence. They are gnats.

As to the post-therapy treacle, I hope you'll just keep wading. Therapy is a thing that does heal, but it can be like a very slow tide. Nature and wisdom need their time to rewire old alarm-synapses. Peaceful energy will come in its time, and post-T will be less swampy, I believe. Especially as you gain control of the urges to criticize and pick yourself apart. You are WHOLE deep in there, and now you're excavating as patiently as an archeologist. The treasure of a peaceful self will be revealed, I know it.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hi, Tupp:

I think the moments, after deep T sessions, can be unexpected transformative moments. Often appearing without announcement.  Often tip toeing in, quietly.
 
My T calls them fruits and flowers of doing the work.

I don't remember trusting relief and peace would appear.....until they showed up, again and again.

I engaged the work with honor and full surrender. I couldn't see farther, so I couldn't trust farther, and it was enough.

Relief was a balm...

Looking back, I didn't need to know anything, beyond commitment to doing the work.

Reading through your experience.....your shift into expansive thoughts and choice, was joyful.  I've read it 4 times🌿

The journey continues, ((Tupp.))

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, both.  Funnily enough I've never had that 'smile' comment, although I know plenty of people who have.  Must look scary enough to put them off   Lol

I am struggling with the ups and downs of it all.  Yesterday was a really good day, really focused and productive, son was on good form, got lots done.  Hardly slept last night, no obvious reason, and today feels really hard.

I keep thinking about the number of times I've recreated exactly the kind of friendships/relationships  in my life that mirrored the family set up, and how much I wish I'd been able to create stronger, healthier ties when I was younger.  There's a huge benefit cut looming in the UK, which will devastate more than a million people.  I'm doing what I can to campaign and do something about it but so many people I know are terrified of what might happen and you know what social media's like, I only log on to share campaign information, petitions and so on, but your eye still sees the other things and it's so dismal.  Not one person has contacted me to ask if it will affect us and if we're okay, largely because my friendship base consists of people who are just oblivious, not only to our situation but also to everything that's going on around them.  They just don't have that thing of hearing the news and thinking, 'oh, will that affect Tupp, I hope she's okay'.  The flip side of that is that currently it won't affect us, unless they make more severe cuts in the future (which is likely) but I know nobody knows enough about our situation to know that.  It's silly but I really wish I had real life people who picked the phone up every now and again and were just a bit more proactive and clued up about something more than going to the pub at the weekend.  I don't feel like I'm a needy person, it would just be nice to sometimes feel like I don't have to physically do everything myself all the time.  Just the miles we drive every week is killing me, and then with the lack of sleep on top, plus the unearthing with therapy/self help, I'm so wiped out with it all.  There's just always so much to do, it only takes a couple of days of one of us being ill and everything's in chaos again.  I just want things to be easier.  Not necessarily happy, or effortless, but just not so hard so much of the time.

Anyway, I'm grumbling.  Time of the month is approaching, which doesn't help.  Trying hard to eat more fruit and veg and stick to the exercise plan.  Doesn't feel like it's helping much at the minute.  Sorry for moaning.

Just editing because I'm so cross with myself.  I am aware that the minute I feel anything at all unpleasant - whether it's physical discomfort, an emotion I don't like, being tired or any kind of fear/anxiety/stress, I go up into my head.  My brain races at 100 miles an hour in different directions, none of them useful, my body just sits immobile, doing nothing, feeling nothing, inert.  I can see myself in that state and I know I need to get up and move, but I can't make it happen.  The therapist was talking about your old and new brain - old part being the primitive survival bit that recognises danger and sends the alerts out, the new bit being more nuanced and seeing that the threat is just a phone ringing/a newspaper report/that person you find boring coming towards you, ie not something that you need to drop into survival mode to deal with.  Something about those connections doesn't work with me.  I woke up at 3.45 this morning, it's just after 9.30 am now so I have spent nearly six hours so far today in a state of complete anxiety with a million things going round in my head, doing nothing about it.  I finally did some EFT tapping, and I don't even know if I'm doing it right, but it brought me down enough that I've been able to start moving around and get some things done.  Why did it take me six hours?  I've been battling this nonsense for thirty years now, why have I still not learnt to do things that help rather than hinder?  I'm so blooming annoyed with myself.  Now I'm shattered, I've got a full day with son (although truthfully sometimes that's better when I'm tired because I have to do stuff so the day just sort of happens), but why do I still keep not doing the things that help and wear myself out like this.  If I'd tapped (or got up and done something) at 3.45 this morning, chances are I'd have calmed down enough to get back to sleep, or at least would have got up and got some useful stuff out of the way so that tomorrow isn't chaos.  I'm so annoyed with myself for making my own situation worse.  Silly, silly Tupp.  Right.  I'm off to get stuff done and I'm going to try and tap on anything that comes up today, as well as trying to tap before I go to bed to see if that helps.  This is why I used to drink!  Lol x

[Twoapenny]

Can you help me out, oh knowledgeable ones?  I'm trying to get into the nubs of what makes me tick, but I'm struggling with the right words/making sense of it?

There is something very deep inside me that makes me feel like I can't be better than anyone else I know, in any area.  Even in very ordinary, every day areas, like sleeping.  There is something in me that feels I'm only worthy if I'm constantly exhausted (sleep problems again, I realised I'm resistant to helping myself sleep better and I've been trying to work out why).  For some bizarre, perverted reason I feel like I shouldn't have good health, because if I do, it's a sign that I don't work hard enough?  Or that it shows other people who are ill that they could be healthier if they tried harder.  Both of these things are ridiculous but I'm trying to work down through the layers and it feels like that's at the bottom of it?  Never be better than anyone else.

I feel like I shouldn't have plenty of money.  Or a wide circle of support.  Or a nice home, a comfortable garden, an easy time in any way.  Fun!  I feel like I shouldn't have fun.  Ever.  I feel like I shouldn't be loved.  Or accepted.

Is that self sabotage?  I don't know, is that why we keep having the same crappy experiences, because something inside me feels that I don't deserve anything at all in life?  I don't feel like it about my son.  I was thinking earlier about how low my own standards for myself were before I had him, but how I've never expected him to live by those low standards.  And in my head I know I have higher standards for myself now.  But if I don't really believe it deep down, is that why nothing ever really changes?  Is it victimhood?  Poor me, look how hard my life is?  Does it stop me taking risks and moving forward?  Why is it all so complicated.  Why is it only possible to think about this stuff at 3 o'clock in the morning??!!

Editing with more thoughts.

When I had my son, I had a good job, with good prospects.  Good salary.  Lovely home, I rented a beautiful little cottage with a huge garden, it was amazing.  Lots of friends, I had money in the bank so I was still going out, busy, meeting people for lunch and so on.  Was keeping up with work related stuff ready for when I went back.  Counselling was going on so I was working through my problems.  Was going on dates, my son was the most beautiful little baby, everybody loved him.  Things were good.  So many people expected me to fail at raising him alone but I didn't, I thrived on it and proved everybody wrong.  My mother hated it, and when I started to stand up to her comments and criticisms and passive aggressive actions she went nuclear.  Is that why having a nice life feels wrong now?  Is it too scary?  I'm doing the EFT stuff, hoping to work my way through it all.

[sKePTiKal]

This is one very tangled ball of yarn to sort out Tupp. Yes, it might come down to always "being less" to stay safe from the bullies & Ns in the world. IMO, only you will be able to piece those puzzle pieces together and when you have the whole picture clear, choose something different for yourself. Start small, though - it's easier, in my experience.

[Twoapenny]

That makes sense, Skep, staying quiet to avoid drawing attention.  Flying under the radar, so to speak?  I'm trying to use the EFT stuff to clear it all out a bit.  I was working on feeling I shouldn't have plenty of money (how stupid is that?  who doesn't want enough money to at least be comfortable?  Not me, I think about having more money all the time!  Makes no sense to feel that way.  What came up is how many times I haven't done things for fear of drawing attention from my mum.  I didn't go back to teaching because I was scared she'd make allegations to the school and the whole thing would kick off again.  Similarly doing things online - I've mostly stuck to anonymised forums like this one so that nothing gets back to her, and even on here I change details so that no-one who knows me would realise it's me.  Even now, I hate driving our Motability vehicle because it's a new/expensive car and people get really angry that people like me 'get' a brand new car.  However many times I explain it's not my car, it's a car my son leases so I can drive him to things he can't get to any other way, it doesn't sink in.  Neither of us own it, it isn't a symbol of wealth, it's a representation of how severe his disabilities are but a lot of people can't seem to get their heads around that.  I can't even use it for myself, it's against the terms of the lease.  But I still feel like I should hide it away, instead of being fine with letting people be stupid and rage about it for no reason.  It's bonkers!

It is a big old tangle, you should see inside my head right now!  Lol x