My Christmas Nightmare...

[serena]

This is my first post here having found this forum by googling narcissism.

I travelled from the UK to Ireland for Christmas to visit my aging and ailing 77 year old mother.  She has had both a stroke and heart failure in the past year but is now much improved.

I can't post the litany of narcissistic abuse I have endured both as a child and adult from her.  Suffice it to say I grew up believing I had ruined her life so you can imagine my subsequent trauma.  I spent 9 years in therapy for anxiety and depression.

I have three sisters and there is always a 'current' favourite and one or more will be the subject of her wrath.

I have recently had severe financial difficulties owing to my husband losing his job and my anxiety and depression have returned with an extreme vengeance, so much so that I am shaking almost permanently.

Foolishly, I drank quite a bit to try to counteract this and my feelings of stress being around her.  I have always been a dutiful, kind and compassionate daughter and have never once intimated to her that she was the cause of any of my problems.

One evening I was alone with her and I asked her for some money - she is very wealthy.  What I viewed as a perfectly normal request from a desperate daughter to a mother in a position to help got altered beyond belief to other members of my family and my husband.    She told them I had asked for a much inflated sum and that I would lose my house if she didn't give it to me.  I didn't say that...  She told my sister I was trying to get as much money out of her as possible before she died!!!  I have never been greedy or materialistic in my life.  I have returned to the UK now believing if anything happens to her health - it will have been my fault, although I know logically this is not true.  I am in a terrible place in my head with all my past guilt flooding back (what for I don't know...)

The next day I spoke to her and apologised profusely - she refused to speak to me.   She didn't speak to me even when I left.  Her weapon has always been silence.  Imagine a mother not speaking to a small child for weeks at a time?  Imagine lying in bed sick and not being able to wake your own mother for fear of her anger?

I can't rationalise this one as her health is so precarious and I feel if anything happens, I will be suicidal.

I'm glad I found this forum, reading it has helped and I'm sorry my first post is so long.

[Anonymous]

{{{ serena }}}

How awful for you. Your mother will not die because of your request for money. She already processed her anger by lying to your sister and husband about your request. I think she's pretty much transferred all the bad feelings back into you ("projection"). So try not to worry too much about that outcome. It's unlikely.

Is it possible that your sister/husband don't buy everything your mother says and that they're aware of her exaggerations and abusive nature?

Do you have a therapist, counselor, minister, or anyone you can talk to about your mother's abuse?


Keep posting,

bunny

[serena]

Thank you so much for your response, Bunny.  I have been reading this forum for hours now and have never felt so much empathy.

Everyone knows what she is like including my sister but she likes to see me feel bad too.  My H feels sad for me, especially the way I feel right now.

I've had lots of therapy and felt well for some years.  Being in her company always seems to make me regress to the little girl she couldn't stand the sight of.

However, I now realise I'm not alone.  Thanks.