Hello

[Lily]

I discovered this board some weeks ago, while I was doing some revelatory reading about narcissism.  So firstly a thank you for some excellent reading company during a tricky period of time in my life.  Too much going on to actually sit down and write enough to introduce myself, how on earth does one do that?

I guess I will start with what I want and need to do right now… I am the 50 year old daughter of one nasty narcissist and a rather nice mum who nonetheless stuck by him for 56 years.  I am crying my eyes out right now, something I really need to do.

Forget my mum for a while and just say what a bastard he was to grow up with, and what a bastard he is now.  I just read another excellent post where someone wrote with a lot of sensitivity and strength about her ex n.  But you know, I recognise everything that poster said, not only as accurate, but also as the same things my mother has said about my father over the years, whilst she continued to stay with him.  

The same things she was saying when we were kids along with he really loves you, and that religious little nugget, if you forgive him and be loving to him you will feel better.  Yeah right.  It does work, but it leaves you feeling sick in the gut.

I do.  I just need to have a good whine about this, he was a horrible father, whilst she had the luxury of thinking and responding as an adult during our childhood, I along with my brothers were at his mercy in the same way she has been for the last year, since having a stroke.

Well, she is attempting to divorce him now.  I have a saying about my father, that he carries a fan and any shit that gets thrown his way he just splatters right back, and indeed as he devotedly nursed his helpless wife this last year and protected her from the company of those messy children of hers, he was doing pretty well, it was about as happy as I have ever seen him, finally his wife was as he wanted her, completely under his control, a lot of community support rallied around him, and he could vent his spleen on me.  

Except nobody felt comfortable with his exclusion of me.  And however much he blamed me for it, it would not gel, really you must have a genuine reason if you want to keep a woman’s daughter away when she needs her.  However, if it were not for the support of my husband, and my brothers, he would likely have been successful.    

Now that community support has rallied around his wife and his control of her has slipped completely, and without her backing him and making the pretense possible, it seems that he must face his audience.  For once he will not be able to move to a different place and a new audience.

So yes, I can feel sorry for him from a safe distance, I have nothing to do with him anymore this last year has seen to that, but as his daughter, as one who has been vulnerable to him in a way an adult never is, and has been reoffended against this past year, I will but finish with saying that I am glad I told him off good and proper, and maybe I cannot say I am glad that he is getting his now, it is too awful to wish on anyone to be an old bastard n who is being publicly unmasked, but I am nonetheless satisfied it is so.

I am resisting the urge to put in details, because I figure you people know about the way Ns lie, I do not have to try and defend myself against that fan, (and it might take too many decades!) but I am taking advantage of this chance to say what happened and how I, I, me, me over here feels about it.

Thanks for reading and please reply if you’d like,  Lily.

[/u]

[Anonymous]

Welcome a 'board' Lily. I really liked your N-Dad analogy:

I have a saying about my father, that he carries a fan and any shit that gets thrown his way he just splatters right back

What a visual and how true as to the far-reaching and destructive effects of NPDs.

I am crying my eyes out right now, something I really need to do.

Right on, sister. Though they are hard-pressed and sting at times (I prefer anger over sadness) tears are the rain that loosen the soil that allow us to grow.

Now that community support has rallied around his wife and his control of her has slipped completely, and without her backing him and making the pretense possible, it seems that he must face his audience. For once he will not be able to move to a different place and a new audience.

Sounds like Humpty Dumpty is falling off the wall and there won't be any king's horses or king's men to put him back together again   Actually, your N-Dad must be terrified. Stripped of control and illusions of grandeur, their worlds are bleak, twisted and tormented. It's a way of kharma catching up to them, I'm afraid.

Keep crying, sharing and posting, Lily. There are like-minded and kind-hearted souls here who understand and can help.

Best,
bludie

[Anonymous]

“tears are the rain that loosen the soil that allow us to grow.”

Hi Bludie,

Thank you for the welcome.  Simple and obvious if poetic, that line nonetheless surprised me and got me laughing, you are right.  I love gardening and do some of my best thinking when I have my fingers in the soil.  

Tears have been a luxury that I could ill afford.  And anger has been my friend, without it I would never have had the strength and timing to protect myself as much as I have.  It has been an extraordinarily traumatic passage of time and I have probably grown so much I can hardly recognise myself.  

I remember this bloke giving me a saying from his gran a few days after my mother fell.  “This’ll sort the flyshit from the pepper”  

Indeed it has.  And I have washed up here with a little black kitten curled on my toes and a lot of catching up with myself to do.  For the moment though, I think I’ll make a cup of coffee…

But I think it is that bit about him being terrified, I don't know what to do with that.  Let him get on with it I suppose.  Good grief.

Lily

[Anonymous]

But I think it is that bit about him being terrified, I don't know what to do with that. Let him get on with it I suppose. Good grief.

Absolutely, Lily. Let your N-Dad get on with the business of his N-machinations and his N-sanity (define that whatever way you will)   but keep yourself detached and aloof whenever possible so that you don't get splattered upon.

Sounds as if your journey has taken you far. Sorry that it's been under less than ideal circumstances, however, that's when I seem to do a good bit of growing and learning -- when my back is against the wall and I've no alternatives but to face my fears, deal with my emotions, and grow from life's lessons.

Argh -- it isn't easy but I suppose in all respects it's worth it. Enjoy your java and your feline.

Best,
bludie