How can I cut loose?

[Hailey]

I heard about this site from an article that sent a chill down my spine - everything it said about Ns applied to my ex-boyfriend.  It's hard to believe people can be fit into such a predictable template of behaviour: both sufferers and victims.  Heaven help us all.

I said my 'ex-boyfriend', but I'm not really rid of him yet... He broke up with me last year because I supposedly wasn't 'artistic' enough to be with him, and yet he keeps crawling back to me, although he quickly loses interest once I agree to see him.

I don't know what I keep taking him back; I don't want to.  I know he's bad news, and all my friends would shoot me if they knew I was seeing him on the sly.  But for some reason, it seems that I need him in my life in some way, or else I completely can't function.  When we broke up I was a mess for months - I was unable to work, and after seeing a mental health worker was prescribed an anti-depressant.... even so, I was only able to resume work after he began seeing me again, 6 weeks after our initial breakup.  

People keep telling me to cut my N loose (they know we're friends), but I find that without him in my life I'm so unhappy and distracted that I can't get anything done.  Besides - as you can probably tell, I'm still deeply in love with him; in spite of everything.  I know he won't change, and I just want to move on.  I'm just not sure how to do it with the least damage to myself.    

[Anonymous]

Hi Hailey,

It sounds like an addictive relationship, not to be confused with being deeply in love. Love is not about misery, unhappiness, and instability. This is an unhealthy attachment. Until you're willing to look at the essence of this relationship (is it about attention; fear of being alone; needing a man in your life no matter what; needing *him* to validate your reality?). Often it takes a therapist to help you sort it out. Doing it on your own rarely works as you will lose the motivation to work on it and a therapist helps you keep the motivation going.

bunny

[Anonymous]

I said my 'ex-boyfriend', but I'm not really rid of him yet... He broke up with me last year because I supposedly wasn't 'artistic' enough to be with him, and yet he keeps crawling back to me, although he quickly loses interest once I agree to see him.

Hi Hailey,
Welcome. As usual, I agree with bunny. And I also think that we're capable of becoming addicted to our Ns as they are addicted to N-supply. If your situation was anything like mine, your world became wrapped up and enveloped by your N. Believe me, it takes time to decompress and wrest oneself from unhealthy albeit familiar patterns. I was still somewhat numb six weeks after my breakup and very much torn up by the whole experience (like none other in my life, actually). It's been over 3 months and I am just now eating and sleeping more regularly and not experiencing daily crying jags. And this, by the way, was amid therapy, an antidepressant regimen, lots of reading and posting on this board, plus other books and online resources.

So my experience is that it takes time. Please read some posts originally authored by Cadbury, Flicker and Lara. It's helpful reading as to what people go through to detach and the time it takes to heal.

The first rule to end it with an N is to CUT CONTACT COMPLETELY. No phone calls, e-mails, visits or letters. In order to break free (an N will say and do just about anything to reel you back in; then dispose of you like an empty milk carton when you're no longer needed/useful/wanted) from their lies and manipulation, it's imperative that you end any and all contact.

Are you ready to take the plunge, Hailey? There are many supportive and wonderful posters on this board so I hope you can avail yourself of this collective wisdom in deciding how to proceed.

Best,
bludie

[Anonymous]

When we broke up I was a mess for months - I was unable to work, and after seeing a mental health worker was prescribed an anti-depressant.... even so, I was only able to resume work after he began seeing me again, 6 weeks after our initial breakup.

You say you were a mess for *months* but then say the relationship was only "over" for 6 weeks & then you got back together. I'm not trying to put a focus on the difference in what you wrote but only point out your grieving time without him at 6 weeks-- was not long enough. It literally takes a good year **at the very least** to begin to really feel a sense of self & life control back without that person in your life.  

It's very painful & hard & that is why many people go back several times before leaving for good.But one thing for sure-- you have to ride out the terrible pain.An anti-depressent & the help of a mental health worker like you had can good routes to help you cope.Then you'd have lots of places like this board here too.You need to committ to a long time away from him with no contact. That is how you do it.That is how people finally break away.

People keep telling me to cut my N loose (they know we're friends), but I find that without him in my life I'm so unhappy and distracted that I can't get anything done.  I know he won't change, and I just want to move on

From what you wrote you are already"so unhappy & distracted" right now with him in your life. What is the difference? None now but there will be down the road.As long as he stays in your life- how you feel now will be endless. The uncomfortableness you will feel if you stop all contact with him would be hard but only temporary. You would eventually begin to feel better, stronger, happier-- and have the opportunity for a better relationship & be healthier within yourself too.The process of letting go can be a path into self growth for you as well.

[Cadbury]

Well, I too am still dealing with the aftermath of breaking up from my N ex-boyfriend. The situation is tricky in that I am expecting his baby in May and so I cannot completely cut contact with him as he has rights to see his own child. He is still going all out to make me go back to him, telling me I can't cope without him, telling me he can't possibly cope with seeing the baby. When I still don't respond he then turns round and starts to threaten me with how he will make my life hell etc etc.

I know he is not good for me, I know not one of my friends liked him, I know all the things that mean I should be skipping for joy that he is finally out of my life. Yet, still I have an urge to be with him, to be loved by him. From articles I have read, this is because N's appear like a dream come true when we first meet them. They say wonderful things, they make us feel special and adored. This is all to reel us in and keep us there. That dream is what we miss when the relationship is over. N's are very good at pushing our buttons. I'll bet he has said things like "No one has a relationship like ours" " What we have is special" "All our problems are because we love each other so much" "I have never loved anyone like I love you" etc etc. My ex still says it all now. It is only that he can follow it in the same breath with comments such as "If you keep rejecting me I will start to hate you more than you've ever been hated" or "You are nothing without me" that I know he means none of it. He thinks he does, he truly believes what he says.

This is why people on this board, and therapists etc advise NO contact whatsoever. It is because N's are highly manipulative and will keep playing with you for as long as you respond. It isn't your ex you want, it is the dream he represented.  Like others have said, love isn't about unhappiness and feeling confused and all the other things that are coupled with the devotion given to us by an N. Just try and keep strong to yourself and you will get over this. A therapist will help you deal with the fact that you would prefer this unhealthy relationship to being on your own. (Something I still fight every day by the way) Good luck and keep us posted.

[Lara]

Dear Hailey,
Like you,I hung on and hung on to my relationship,hoping that things would get better, but in fact I doubt that they EVER do. Although I miss my ex very much since I cut off contact with him, the only thing that I achieved by staying in touch with him for at least a couple of years longer than I should have was to be wounded emotionally more and more often.If you stay with him,I'm afraid you may only be setting yourself up for some final insult that you just can't tolerate.In my case,this was a thoughtless message he left on my phone one day which left me sitting in a packed train carriage, in broad daylight,sobbing. For me that was the final straw;he had taken my personality,my dignity,and any sense of self I had had.

Leaving him for good may be one of the most difficult things you have ever done Hailey,but there are good people here who are very understanding and would supprt you through it.

Best wishes,
Lara.