Cutting the cord

[Vivienne]

I am pregnant and have been dealing with a narcissistic mother. She's not interested in my pregnancy, of course. However, I find that I have less and less patience with her behavior. I am at the point where I just want to stop communicating with her because I can't take the vicious cycle anymore. Has anyone done this, just cut their losses?

[Cadbury]

I personally haven't, but am trying very hard to! In my case my ex-boyfriend is N and I have been breaking up with him since October. I am pregnant with his baby, which is making it hard to cut all ties totally, but I would like to. I think that if your mother is making you unhappy, you have two choices. Either you accept that she is like that and just let everything she says and does wash over you (very hard to do), or you cut your losses. If she is making you unhappy then you don't owe her anything. It is difficult for you, but try andthink of yourself first and do what would make you happy. Don't worry about anyone else. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Vivienne,

You, your health and your baby should be the number one priority. Without knowing much about your situation, it's hard to offer too much advice. Can you give us more information? In the meantime, there are many resources out there:

http://www.webheights.net/GrowingbeyondEmotionalAbuse/sforward/sftp.htm
http://www.trans4mind.com/transformation/transform3.16.htm

[Anonymous]

Yes, people who have posted here have stopped all contact with their parents. Is that what you want to do?

You may not communicate with her, but will that stop her communicating with you? There have been posters here who have been stalked by their mothers, had violence done to them, had their children caught in a game of emotional blackmail.

You know your mother better than I do. How will she react if you say that's it, I want nothing to do with you? What reasons would you give her, if you would intend giving any reasons?

[Anonymous]

Yes. I have stopped talking to my mother and it's been the best year in a long time. Found out a lot about myself. It can be done. I can't tell you what you should or should not do as that is up to you, but I don't see anything wrong with it when it comes to preserving your own sanity.

Congratulations on your pending pregnancy, hope all goes well and it's a damn shame when one's own mother can't even wish you well. Get rid of her.

[onlyrenting1]

Vivienne,

I cut the cord 2 weeks after I was 18teen.
For a few years after I left home I would come back to visit.  I felt I had time to prepare to get the TREATMENT.
I would try and not let her bait me. I would always get hurt no matter how much I tried to prepare. I have only seen her maybe 10 times since.

The treatment: being Ignored, whispers from my 3 sisters. giving me the cold sholder, when ever my mother came into the room.
saying "I love you mom" and getting no response back.  

This has gone on for 25 years. I used to be upset for weeks after being around my family. The poision has now gone to the grandkids who help inject her bitterness and poisions when she can't be there.

So you stay away but still send motherday or birthday cards. But expect her to disappoint you with birthday cards that remind you how she's not able to understand why you feel the way you do. Or worst yet, how you hurt her. NO WIN here.

Some of the grandkids are also feeling the pain and family members are split. They tell me I am different then my 3 sisters and they are glad I escaped what ever it was that made me different.

I miss not having a mother.  I remember trying to talk to my sisters about the pain.They saw the pain she could inflict and they knew what it would cost them to go aganist her.
I could only wonder what it would be like to have a mother that cared, It's heartbreaking and I try not to think too hard.
 

She gives little attention to my daughter. If you are her only child you may have more of a problem. There are post on here where the moms stalk and are big problems.

You should do what your doing to break away for awhile and see how it goes. When the baby comes you could need to break the Ice again, you may want to share your joy with her the best you can not to expect too much from her.

I'm sorry your mother is this way you must want to share your joy about the baby with her but  You will have friends that care and others that will help where they can.  

Keep sharing  ....Onlyrenting

[serena]

I agree with 'only renting'.

It's too sad for words to be the victim of an N mother.  It's innate in infants, children, adults to want to love their parents.  The rejection remains shocking, no matter how many times it happens.

I read the phrase 'psychological orphan' recently and it really struck a chord with me.

The worst emotion I have suffered all my life is 'guilt' until I realised that it wasn't my fault, that I wasn't "bad", "evil", "twisted" - words I heard every single day as a child...

[Anonymous]

(((serena)))
also known as emotional orphans too, or maybe I made that one up myself... not sure. I think of myself as one, one amongst many. Hugs to you.

[serena]

(((serena)))
also known as emotional orphans too, or maybe I made that one up myself... not sure. I think of myself as one, one amongst many. Hugs to you.

... and our only hope in life is to learn to 'mother' ourselves i.e. develop our self-esteem and learn as much as we can about narcissism until we can genuinely believe that we were UNLOVED not UNLOVEABLE!!

I'm not always there, but I'm always trying!!

[Anonymous]

Serena, and Guest.

'psychological orphan'

I never thought of this term but when I think of feelings I get from my mother this fits. The unloved orphan

I was an unexpected ferternal twin, so I often thought of myself as unwanted. I was often reminded how difficult it was for my mother to take care of us as infants.
She brings it up over and over again and again to this day. Unreal.
Not saying it wasn't difficult, but to tell me like I'm supposed to take some kind of guilt for the trouble. I always feel like I need to appoligize.

I guess she never felt like she got the recognition from my father for her hard work. I don't know.

My mother has no connection with my twin brother. He lives far away. He left home and went into the navy at 18. However, he has never had to be around for the Mother and 3 sisters treatment.  (I feel like Cinderella )


I guess She didn't get the bonding thing with us because we were in the incabator for the first 6 weeks.
What ever the reason we have no relationship with our mother...
I just stopped trying all together.  No making something happy out of it.

Just makes me sad, but this is just the way it is.....Only renting
[/quote]

[Anonymous]

Agreed Serena! Onlyrenting…

It is sad. It will be sad for as long as you live (me too). Living with the sadness, making the sadness part of us but not in control of us, might be one answer.

We didn’t ask to be born. We owe nothing for being born.

We have a right to exist. We exist – therefore we have that right. No guilt attached!