Ending it with the N and dealing with the Aftermath

[bludie]

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/thesmearcampaignoftheabuser.msnw

Hi all,

The article above has prompted this new thread. Your insights are appreciated.

It's been 3 months since ending it with my N. I've ignored the last few phone calls, promptly erased the voice mail messages, and have not talked to him since late October. The last time I contacted him was when  he attempted to call my boss. Fortunately, she refused contact and let me know what was happening right away. I threatened to contact his business associates if he persisted in contacting mine. This seemed to stop him; at least for the time being.

When our relationship ended my ex-N left town. My daughter and I are now trying to make our way in this small community that we moved to 9 months ago (part of my ex-Ns way of isolating us, I now realize). I intend to stay here, keep the house, and seek permanent employment until spring. If nothing pans out by then, we'll consider selling the house and moving.

In the interim, it's become clear to me that my ex-N has poisoned the well with neighbors, mutual friends and even our bank. His tactics included writing a lengthy letter to my attorney that was filled with personal details about our relationship and even about my daughter (nothing to do with the law, of course, just smear tactics). My neighbors seem to be ignoring me. Thus far I have not attempted to explain my side of the story. I don't know them that well and figure they're not worth my time if they choose to only believe his side of the story. However, this has affected my daughter. She used to have friends in the neighborhood; now we're quite isolated.

I am at a low ebb with confidence and self esteem. I don't venture out much. I wasn't hired for either of the jobs I've interviewed for thus far. Consequently the isolation feeds my sense of insecurity -- sort of a vicious cycle. My trust in people is at an all-time low and I still find myself second-guessing a lot of what I say and do.

My current plan is to quietly and steadfastly try to improve my life while healing from this disastorous relationship. I'm interested in hearing how all of you managed to pick up the pieces and go on. Did you bother to take the time to explain your situation? I am thinking actions speak louder than words. However, I am finding that it's difficult for folks to understand -- even one-time close friends -- if they don't understand or are acquainted with NPD.

Thanks for your insights.

Best,
bludie

[Anonymous]

Hi bludie,

I'm wondering whether your neighbors are mainly avoiding what looks like a messy domestic situation. They may not see him as a victim -- they may dislike him intensely! And they may (unfortunately) choose to avoid the entire household. If a neighbor of mine decided to give me details of his messy relationship, I'd think he was crazy! And I would hesitate getting involved in the entire situation.

Once we hit middle age, most people have stressful problems - marriage, mortgage, bills, kids, elderly parents, illnesses, jobs, etc. Some people get impatient and unempathic toward friends who they see as "adding more problems" to their stressed-out lives. NOT ALL PEOPLE. But I think your friends may struggle to handle their own lives. They are keeping up a facade of "having it all together" which takes a lot of work. I don't see them as psychologically-minded but more action-oriented. They aren't into "feelings" or "processing." So in this area they may be incompatible with you. But you have us!  

As to explaining your situation -- the less explaining the better. Actions speak louder than words as you said. When people explain, they tend to sound like they're looking for permission or approval. Don't go there, it's not an advantageous position.

bunny

[BlueTopaz]

Hi Bludie...

I think I have "turkey brain" from all the tryptophan because I've been completely foggy minded since yesterday's overkill in eating, so I hope I am making some sense in this long, rambling reply.  

Regarding your neighbors, they may feel awkward in what to say, or they don't really even know if a retaliatiing smear campaign coming from you awaits them, because as you mention, you hardly know them and vice versa.

But I agree very much with the opening quote on the page that you linked, along the lines of "the person who is doing the smearing is the one that looks bad".   Just like your employer saw this immediately, others will too.

Really though, I think there is an excellent chance that others are oblivious to the whole thing.   I can't tell you how many times I've fretted and thought that others must be thinking about a thing I was uncomfortable about, and I can't tell you how many times I was proven dead wrong!   Even if I still go there with my thinking at times, it eases my anxieties when I remind myself that people have their own lives that are just as emotional and thought consuming to them, as mine is, to me.  

I've got my own things to worry about and solve, and I don't have the interest or time to spend thinking about other's issues (unless it is someone close to me who I am attempting to support, which is a dif. thing altogether), and it is the same for others about me.

If anyone by chance has heard something from your xN: 1) He will look like the "bad guy" and lose credibility  2) Chances are they will have put it into perspective related to their own lives, give it very low importance, and then completely  forget about it.  3) You might not realize how much empathy you have from people who have gone through relationship problems themselves, or know someone where the same thing happened to them.

My current plan is to quietly and steadfastly try to improve my life while healing from this disastorous relationship. I'm interested in hearing how all of you managed to pick up the pieces and go on. Did you bother to take the time to explain your situation? I am thinking actions speak louder than words. However, I am finding that it's difficult for folks to understand -- even one-time close friends -- if they don't understand or are acquainted with NPD.

I strongly agree with what Bunny said.  The less explaining, the better, hands down.   I don't think the intricacies of any relationship can be explained well to others (there are just too many variables), let alone a relationship with an N person.   Unless you choose one very close person that you really trust (from past experience with these very personal, intricate things) and that you feel would understand, I wouldn't even bring up the N part of it.

I was not married to my xN, nor did we live together, but we dated for 5 years.  When the relationship was over, I only told people that it would be impossible not to tell, because they are a permanent part of my life and would naturally bring up this person if they continued to think we were together.  People like parents, siblings, a couple very close friends (not all friends by any means).  I did not tell anyone who was just a casual acquaintance in my life.  None of their business.  Only those on a "need to know" basis, and the list was small.  And I told no one about the N-traits.  Not even my best friend.   Why?  Because it would have been exhausting for me just to try to get her to understand (it was hard enough for me, and I lived it!) and I had enough of my plate, then.  One's energy needs to go into self healing at that time in life, and I needed all my resources for me.    I might tell her one day, but I won't ever tell most people.  No point.

When I did tell the few people about the relationship ending, and this was key for me, I pre-composed in my mind, a "summary statement" of what I would say about the relationship.  For example, I said that the intricacies of relationships are impossible to explain so I won't even try."  "The bottom line is that we could not work things out and are not dating anymore."  Then, I prepared for the usual questions- "Are you on good terms"?   "Yes, and that will make it easier for us both to move on," was my answer.   You could always say something like "unfortunately, not really, but it's to be expected that feelings will be hurt when a relationship breaks up".  "We should both heal over time."  True, and valid answers to the questions, but more general/vague statements than getting into relationship details.  Just having preplanned compact things to say, helped so much, and made things so much less complicated.
 
If people are getting too personal, you can always tell them that the best way for you to heal is to focus on things other than the relationship in your life, and they can support you through this time, and help you move on, by not bringing up this person at all.  When things ended with my xN, there was a period of 6 mnths. of no contact between him & I, initiated by me.  At the beginning of that time, even if they knew I requested that time of no contact, sometimes  people would ask "did you hear from/talk to Mr. X"?   So I told everyone that I did not want to talk about Mr. X anymore, and to please not ask me about him or bring up his name whatsoever.   Nobody did, and life went on just fine with my relationships with them.  Eventually, when I felt better and felt like it, I let them know what the status with myself and my ex. was.  When you can share at your own pace and in your own way it takes a lot of the stress away.

I think your intention of quiet and steady rebuilding will take you very far on all levels.  You are so right in that actions speak louder than words.  This seems like a great path to follow.  Try as much as you can to get your self-esteem and confidence back at this time.  This will help you find work.  There is something different about the energy we project, and the "energy of manifestation" present in our lives when we are feeling low and down on ourselves, than when we feel a lot different/better.

I know how hard it is.  You will work through this by following your wise plan, to much more peaceful, happier, better times ahead...  

BT

[bludie]

As to explaining your situation -- the less explaining the better. Actions speak louder than words as you said. When people explain, they tend to sound like they're looking for permission or approval. Don't go there, it's not an advantageous position.

Right on, bunny. Well said. This permission/approval seeking is part of what hooked me into staying with an N long after realizing things weren't right.

Really though, I think there is an excellent chance that others are oblivious to the whole thing. I can't tell you how many times I've fretted and thought that others must be thinking about a thing I was uncomfortable about, and I can't tell you how many times I was proven dead wrong! Even if I still go there with my thinking at times, it eases my anxieties when I remind myself that people have their own lives that are just as emotional and thought consuming to them, as mine is, to me.

Also well put, BT.  In my solitary approach to life right now I need to remember I'm not the center of the universe. You're right. People (even neighbors) have much to think about and take care of in their own lives. I need to get a life here soon. Then I won't have so much time to ruminate.

Thanks to you both for your feedback.

Best,
bludie

[CHICKSQUIP]

Bludie,

Being isolated in a new town in your time of need has to be dreadful.
Shame on your ex-N for what he has done to you and your daughter.  Don't expend effort trying  to explain his actions to anyone.  Spend that which would be wasted on him on yourself and your daughter.  

I did self-therapy because I couldn't afford a therapist.  Blessed are those who can.  What I did was read, read, read.  I didn't believe everything  I read, but if I  found one suggestion from an entire book that moved me toward wellness, I took it.  Dr. G's suggested reading list is a good place to start.  I joined a Celebrate Recovery group.  It is a twelve step program.  Go to their website for information about them and where they meet in your area.      http://www.celebraterecovery.com/index.asp  Becoming a part of this group was salve to my soul.
Also, may I suggest a book.  I always seem to do that...It's because that's how I got my groove back!  The book is Safe People authored by Cloud and Townsend.  It's an easy to read and understand book.  There's no technical or high-brow stuff in it.  This book will help you  understand why your close friends seem to tune you out when you try to explain your circumstances and feelings to them.  Your local library probably has a copy.  If not, they can order it in for you.   Remember this.  You will get past the feelings of  isolation and low self esteem you're experiencing  now.  You will!

I hope you can feel the love and acceptance wafting through the atmosphere from all of us on the board to you!
chicksquip





http://

[bludie]

Remember this. You will get past the feelings of isolation and low self esteem you're experiencing now. You will!

I hope you can feel the love and acceptance wafting through the atmosphere from all of us on the board to you!

Thank you, Chicksquip, for the link and book suggestion. Glad to hear that Celebrate Recovery has helped you. It's very 12-step based and I am familiar with this format. When/if there is a meeting in my town, perhaps I'll check it out. As for the book, I'll definitely look into this.

Most of all, however, thanks for your kind words and support. I am really feeling hopeful with the arrival of the New Year. I am almost (not quite but getting there) starting to look at this whole experience as a blessing. Even though it nearly did me in emotionally, the experience with my ex-N has explained a lot about my childhood; as I am quite certain now my Dad was an NPD-alcoholic. So a large piece of the puzzle is falling into place in other areas of my life; for that I am grateful.

Best,
Bludie

[Anonymous]

My current plan is to quietly and steadfastly try to improve my life while healing from this disastorous relationship. I'm interested in hearing how all of you managed to pick up the pieces and go on. Did you bother to take the time to explain your situation

?

When my exN left me, I had no job, a daughter to keep, mounting debts and a fear of what poison he had spread about me.  Like you I inteded to quietly get on with rebuilding my life and self esteem.  This I did.  I also for a while felt shame about what people might think of me because of what he might have told me(people that we both hardly knew, like the ice cream man for gods sake) but the shame passes and I decided to tell everyone that asked and people that didn't that he was a girlfriend battering sob.  I did this because I refuse to be silent, silence is to the advantage of the abuser, silence is why someone being abused carries on being abused because no-one knows.  

It is hard to reach out and make friends when a partner has destroyed self esteem, because you fear you may be again rejected and I have to fight that feeling to this day.  But know you are strong and that slowly and surely wins the race.

[Jennifer]

and I decided to tell everyone that asked and people that didn't that he was a girlfriend battering sob. I did this because I refuse to be silent, silence is to the advantage of the abuser, silence is why someone being abused carries on being abused because no-one knows.

forgive me--but i have to disagree with one part.the telling everyone, even those who don't ask.if someone is trying to get out of an abusive home environment they are trapped in, it could be extremely helpful to at least try and to tell one or a couple of trusted others, yes. Best call a violence hotline for sound counsel first off i'd say, too.if you are *already* safely out and still want to tell anyone & everyone that this person is an abusive SOB, i think this is different.  

if you tell aqaintances you don't know well- like a neighbour or co-worker you see in the lunchroom here & there-- i don't think it has much affect. they don't know you well and it might actually be to the abusers advantage [which you were trying to avoid] that *you* end up looking like an unstable scorned partner.
 
and as far as just going up & openly telling people who don't even ask, that he is an abusive SOB- honestly, i think that is a mistake & I wouldn't recommend it to others. if you have the perception that it has worked for you then i am sincerely glad [this is not sarcasm at all] it has made you feel empowered or healed, or validated, or something positive--  

i really see your point in not wanting to be silent though. you do not want to be *protecting* the abuser in any way i understand.

I think, again, it matters *who* you tell, how much you tell & how your delivery of the message is.if I decided to tell anyone for the sake of not protecting him it would only be family members and those who were very, very close to us both. even that might backfire because some families turn the other way, rationalise, & even blame the person telling them. i'd still do it though.

as far as the way you tell people-- if you say your ex. partner was abusive and sick it is one thing & if you say he was an f'ing @#%^ and **&@  low life SOB it will come across another way.less credible i think & your reactions from others will be different. it might be very true that he is those things but i'd save that kind of harsh venting for the therapists office or message boards like this  

and if a person does end up telling a friendly aquaintance they don't know that well then i would not give a lot of detail. just that they left the relationship because they felt it was abusive and unhealthy--period.

just my thoughts.

[guest1]

Yeah I agree, I didn't tell people who didn't know about my relationship, but the real point that I was trying to make is that I was not going to hide and feel ashamed and I was prepared for the consequences as such.  People can think what they want at the end of the day and will draw any conclusions they like but I'd rather they heard my side of the story then just his.  If people think that calling someone out makes someone unhinged or   whatever then thats their problem I however think it makes sense to predict the situation as best as you are able and act on that.

['nother guest]

During my breakup with my NH I sometimes found it neccessary to 'explain' more than I intended to to people I didn't really know that well.
My ex-NH and I were on a strata council and after we separated I spoke to a fellow council member who was acting very cool towards me compared to her normal friendly self. It turned out that my ex had told her that I had cheated on him (instead of the other way around) and she had felt sooo sorry for him, and at the time gave him mountains of sympathy.
The truth always wins....

[shixie]

Hell hath no fury like a narcissist scorned.  Is the best way to put it.  Oh boy can I relate to the 'smear' campaign.  Only the word smear doesn't sound as harsh as it truly is.  They pull out all the punches to make it the MOST humiliating, shocking, shameful, low down dirty cheap shots and lies.  I remember thinking, 'what kind of person does such things?'  Well, now I know.  When I left my ex-N, I moved halfway across the country.  I felt that I could never move back to that area because of the way he torched my reputation.  Eventually, I did move back and with my new family.  I laid low for awhile, fearing that I may run into old 'friends' from that time.  The inevitable did happen and continues to happen.  To my relief, each person did not have a bad opinion of me.  If anything they thought more of me for getting the courage to leave.  The more they 'bad mouth' you, the worse they look.  Good, genuine, decent people see right through their smear campaign.  The N's get caught in their lies and lose credibility.  It's been 6 years for me and each time I run into someone from my past, it has always be a validating encounter on my behalf.  I will never forget the hurt that he intended to cause.  By not stooping to his level, I at least maintained my dignity.  That is of the utmost importance.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, shixie. Your post leaves me hopeful on several counts. One, that people didn't necessarily take a dim view of you post-breakup. Two, that life went on and you got married despite the failed relationship with your ex-N.

Prior to our move here I was involved with a support group and introduced my ex-N. He latched onto several fellows in the group and when we were in conflict, it was uncomfortable some times.

During and after the breakup he did a fair bit of well-poisoning and I've avoided these folks ever since (not directly but just haven't maintained or initiated further contact). This was very unfortunate as I had not only lost my partner but also the safety of a support group that I had in place for years prior to my ex-N. The sanctity of the group felt compromised because some folks chose sides.

When I get brave enough or have business in town there again, I may test the water. Sometimes guys stick together in these situations and sing the 'she-done-me-wrong-song' no matter what. But I can't control that and, as time goes on, their opinion of me is less important.

Best,

bludie

[shixie]

Bludie, I am glad that I could be of some comfort to you.  Life certainly does go on but, forever changed.  I am thankful for my husband and the children I waited to have.  My husband unfortunately acquired damaged goods.  He took on the challenge with patience, love and understanding.  Which did wonders for my self-esteem.  

The support group that you belonged to were also victimized by him and should realize this.  As for the men, I found they were even more supportive.  Some even confided that they never approved of how I was treated by my ex or for his poor attitude of women in general.  Even my ex-N's son, who's mind had been completely poisoned, eventually contacted me with a change of heart.  You have the right attitude about their opinion of you.  If they side with him, then their opinion doesn't matter.