New Year's resolutions, anyone?

[bludie]

Hi all,

As the New Year of 2005 is upon us, I find myself reflecting. Typically I don't make resolutions per se but have learned much from the recent experience with my ex-N and am resolving a few things in the coming year:

I will pay attention to red flags or gut reactions about people and situations: This doesn't mean I want to become fearful of all that I meet or encounter. But I did have red flags and warning signs along the way about my ex-N that I readily dismissed for his version of things. I began to mistrust my own opinions, ideas and instincts since they were constantly monitored (and even attacked at times).

I will make time to engage in simple activities or hobbies that feed my soul and keep me in touch with who I am: This one is self-explanatory but important. Once my ex-Ns agenda became the priority and focus, I gave up activities that were once a big part of my life. A prime example is cycling. He bought a bicycle at the beginning of our relationship and we went on a few rides. But once I allowed the noose of control to slip over me, the bike rides became few and far between since it wasn't something he enjoyed or could readily control.

I will pray and meditate so I can bring balance and peace back to my life: As many of us have likely experienced, NPD types have a way of hijacking our lives. We become subsumed in their needs and priorities. By praying and meditating I want to remain close to my core so I don't need to repeat this type of codependency ever again (or at least not to the extent that took place with my ex-N).

Those are a few of the realizations I've had since learning about NPD and its effects on my life. I am interested in hearing other posters' resolutions/realizations for the New Year.

Best,
bludie

[onlyrenting1]

Bludie, I found this topic with your username and wanted to respond.

1. I'm thinking of your feelings and want to say you are loved by me and to let you know your thoughts are important to me.
I see from this thread that there was 0 responses.


The user In College Forever posted:

The thread that was written, Resolutions Anyone, fell to the bottom without much response. I think it was because it was too threatening and challenging for the members here. That is another twist on why some comments are ignored. Bunny mentioned some great reasons. There are others. Like if a nerve is hit, if it hits home and many are not ready to deal with it.

The user In College Forever post

WHERE IS YOUR RESPONSE ? WHAT IS YOUR REASON?
DO YOU FIND IT THREATENING  OR FIND IT CHALLENGING?

You must not be a member here because of course this would not apply to you. or maybe it does apply but your not a member???

I think some people do resolutions and some don't.

Bludie said:
 

As the New Year of 2005 is upon us, I find myself reflecting. Typically I don't make resolutions per se but have learned much from the recent experience with my ex-N and am resolving a few things in the coming year:

Onlyrenting's resolutions.

1. To look at hurtful things in my life and putting them on the shelf to look at good or bad.

I have done this already, if it's bad I look at it not try to fix it,
by IGNORING IT or making excuses as why someone would want to hurt someone there must be a logical reason, when there is none.

2. Do not Internalize the hurtful things from my N .  I will put them on a mental shelf where they don't hurt me.

3. The good things in my life are going to get more of my attention and those things will be put close to my heart to be charished and rewarded.

4. Say thank you to the challenges in my life and face them with a brave stance and willingness to show my young daughter that life is wonderful even when it gets difficult.

Bludie, You have touched my heart and I appreciate your words of wisdom and caring for others. I'm sorry for not responding, and I wanted to let you know I see this thread was Ignored and want to make it right.

Have a Great Year.........Onlyrenting

[Cadbury]

Have been off the board a bit recently - just trying to catch up!

My new year's resolutions are:

~ to keep strong and try and keep away from from ex-N as much as possible.

~to be more organised so that my life is easier

~ to believe in myself more, so I am not susceptible to the put downs I get.

That's all for now, but lots of similar things are fighting for attention!

[bludie]

Hi Cadbury and onlyrenting1,

Thanks for your replies. I can now see how it got confusing when I entitled my post: Resolutions, anyone? because it was similar to a previous post on the same subject. Anyway:

to be more organised so that my life is easier

 Right on, Cadbury (good to hear from you by the way). With the time I have off right now I am trying to do same. It feels good and productive and I like the results when looking around my house.

I'm thinking of your feelings and want to say you are loved by me and to let you know your thoughts are important to me.

 {{{onlyrenting1}}} Thanks for the warmth -- really appreciate it.

Say thank you to the challenges in my life and face them with a brave stance and willingness to show my young daughter that life is wonderful even when it gets difficult.

Well said. Embracing or even being thankful for the challenges is wonderful progress. I need to remember this on days when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Bludie, You have touched my heart and I appreciate your words of wisdom and caring for others. I'm sorry for not responding, and I wanted to let you know I see this thread was Ignored and want to make it right.

Again, thank you, onlyrenting1. I am learning much from you as well and am impressed by how you seem to be detaching from the insanity that an N can inflict on our lives.

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

This is definately where I feel stuck:

detaching from the insanity that an N can inflict on our lives.

I am having a hard time doing that.
I know I need to do as onlyrenting resolves--to:

look at hurtful things in my life and putting them on the shelf to look at good or bad.

and

not try to fix it, by IGNORING IT or making excuses as why someone would want to hurt someone there must be a logical reason, when there is none.

All this logic and intellectual stuff computes, for me, but yet it just won't sink in deep enough to absolve me of my emotional attachment and release my hope for things to change for the better in the future.

That's the real crux....hoping that sometime in the future things will improve and the person will somehow miraculously come to the realization of how much hurt they have caused and by devine intervention be themselves metamorphed into some remorseful person who takes full responsibility for their actions and who wishes only to make up for the damage caused.

And even when my mind says:  "How ridiculous?  What nonsense!  Won't happen!  Forget it and move on" etc.,

my stupid heart always longs for such a miracle, hoping for the light to come on, wishes it were possible, imagines such an outcome and the potential good things that could happen with such a change in attitude.

Who wants to give up hope... as a new resolution?
It's just not in me to do that.
I've always held onto hope and struggled against the odds and I have always thrived and survived by doing so.

Still feels like a stupid place to be stuck because I know in my brain that such a miracle is very unlikely to happen.  It's my heart that needs surgery to remove the hope.  That doesn't sound like the right thing either.

Maybe I need to set it all on a shelf and just leave it there, hope and all, and just wait patiently without aniticipation, like I do with some of the bulbs from my garden, in the fall?

Ok: I resolve to try really hard this year to leave it all there and get on with my life.  I will do my best not to keep checking the shelf or worry about cleaning it off or even dusting it.  If dust accumulates there...so be it.  If nothing evolves...oh well, not my problem.  If it all just stagnates there and becomes some big dried out rot...then I will have to let it crumble.  Or if by some miracle, in the future, it begins to sprout or show signs of real life....why then I could easily nuture it and offer it a supportive post to grow against, couldn't I?

Would this be ignoring it?  Wouldn't ignoring it be better than focussing on it so much?  For me it seems a better idea than discarding it all together and just giving up all hope completely.

[onlyrenting1]

Guest Said:

Ok: I resolve to try really hard this year to leave it all there and get on with my life. I will do my best not to keep checking the shelf or worry about cleaning it off or even dusting it. If dust accumulates there...so be it. If nothing evolves...oh well, not my problem. If it all just stagnates there and becomes some big dried out rot...then I will have to let it crumble. Or if by some miracle, in the future, it begins to sprout or show signs of real life....why then I could easily nuture it and offer it a supportive post to grow against, couldn't I?

Guest,

I would suggest you buy a more productive shelf.
Mine would be an adjustible shelf with a shinny big mirror.

I would say "thank you" for  your painful words and Insults, they go right here on this (beautiful shelf, because most N's would have nothing less)

I will not Ignore this by running away from the pain, but I will simply walk up to this pain as fearful as it may be, angle the mirrored shelf, right into any N's deep cold eys.

You can see I have Control over this shelf It's mine. I choose not to let it get dusy, I may decide to just pick up what's on the shelf and throw it at it's sender or in the trash.  

I may even decide to put a little spin as I refelect back the Insult, like
I HOPE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, BECAUSE IF NOT, THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO GIVE YOU, AS YOU GIVE ME NOTHING ELSE TO PUT ON MY SHELF.

Yes, I understand My N-h had problems as a child and we don't want to become like them.  I had my own problmes too and sometimes you need to give back hope for yourself not just keep giving it away to those that don't wish hope for you.

I may have more resolutions for the year, they appear to adding up.

got to go ....Onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

Precisely onlyrenting hope for yourself! That's good hope I think.

But hope that someone else will change guest? You can only change yourself. Hoping for someone else to change isn't hope, it's deluding yourself about where the problem lies. It's not hope guest that you need to give up, it's accepting that things aren't going to be as you might want them. That's acceptance.

[Ellie as guest]

My resolutions:

1. To ride over 5,000 miles in the open road as I discover another whole world out there, a world of people who accept others - no mater what.

2. To continue to be happy, love life, laugh, smile, relax, exercise, and never give up on myself and those I love.

3. To make it through another year so I can start all over and do it again!