N's and their kids

[mia xo guest]

Right now I am involved in a court battle regarding N's request to have the kids more often. At the same time that he was asking for more time he was also asking the court to reduce child support.  The judge denied the decrease in Child support but is still considering the weeknight overnight. (we went to a child custody neutral assessment....of which the therapist gave NO recommendation citing that she needed more than four hours to make a decision).  Basically, ex N overwhelmed the therapist with so much info and made all kinds of false allegations against me...from being a mental case to being physically abusive to being a substance abuser....etc.  

Anyway with that being said will most N's back off asking for more time with the kids once they realize they won't be getting a credit finanacially for it??  He is very stingy in every way imaginable.  In reality, he is very well off financially but is never willing to part with a dollar especially if he thinks it is coming to me.  

I am still having a difficult time coming to terms with what I read about N's and how they really have no emotional connection to their own children.  This bothers me when I think of my children and I begin to think morbid thoughts like would he even care if one of his children died?  

I realize I am rambling a bit but I would appreciate any clarifications regarding what to expect/predict of N in regards to his relationship with the two children who are now 4 and 7.  He has always been emotionally distant/cold to them but will do stuff to keep up appearances, etc.  

thanks for your input.

[Anonymous]

The N parent may fight for more time or full custody to create problems for the ex. It's got nothing to do with the children.

This website has a lot of articles/resources on the situation you're describing:

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/


bunny

[Cadbury]

This is just my own opinion, but a lot of my experience with my ex seems to be that he truly thinks he loves his son and does his best for him. Not only is he totally unaware of what everyone else would see as his bad treatment of his son, but he thinks he is a better father than average.

Another point is that a lot of what N's do is for recognition and status, and sometimes (maybe just personal experience here) purely to stop someone "getting one over on them". It could be that your ex is caught up in not letting you win and doesn't actually care what is best for your children. That seems to be the case with my ex a lot. All I think you can do is to carefully document what he actually does (as compared to what he says he does), and try and get an independent person to act as a voice for your children. In the UK there is a government body called Cafcass who provide court guardians for Children. The guardian's job is to represent the child in court and act only in the best interests of the child. I don't know where you are or if there is something similar for you, but that may help. Good luck with it all.

[Anonymous]

Cadbury

I live on the East Coast/USA.  I don't think we have that here.

The more I reflect on his interactions with the children the more I can see that he "acts like a Dad" when he thinks others are watching and he wants to look good or when he wants the courts to rule in his favor.

In the four years since the divorce I do document everything and I do keep everything that he sends me.  The last time it went to court..he initiated the motion but I had tons of documentation in HIS handwriting where he contradicted himself and showed how he lied in his original motion.  At times he will send an email and he actually contradicts himself from one sentence to the next.  It's scary.

But in the end it seems all his documentation and behaviors have come back to haunt him in the courts....I just hope that continues to be the case for the sake of my children.  I worry so much about them and make sure they always get the right attention and that they are always properly disciplined.  I know my kids know I genuinely love them.  My daughter is beginning to sense that Dad isn't "real" with his love.  It's only a matter a time b/f she figures more out on her own.  I have to give her credit b/c at 7 she's not as naive as I was at 23 when I married N.

I do pray that N's soul can be saved.  He is the father to my two children and at times I am very depressed that his prognosis is poor as far as ever pulling free from the N tendencies.  

I am thankful that I was able to get out of that relationship while the children were too young to know what was going on with his behaviors...heck...I just found out the term for his behaviors. lol
Right now his time with them is limited and I would like it to stay that way.  For now, they feel their Dad has an interest in them and takes them places, etc.  I don't want them ever to fall victim by becoming his N supply.  I am fortunate for the most part they are happy well-adjusted, and very social kids who enjoy life.

[Anonymous]

Miaxo and Cadbury,

This link may contain information about custody/court battles:

http://www.faqfarm.com/Health/Narcissism/2059

Best,

bludie

[miaxo guest]

Thanks for the link.  My hubby found this the other day and was reading it to me.

I reread it and will keep those points in mind throughout my ongoing battle with ex N husband.