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jennelayne:
[color=blue]Just wanted to introduce myself into this site and message board. I am looking for ways to learn about and process the damage that's accrued in my life over the past 39 years (can't say 40 until next month :) ).  I am hoping that I can regain some power (or maybe I should say, begin having some power and voice) in my life.   I have been in and out of counseling and processes many issues, but the most significant and most damaging has been the effect my mother has had on me.  I always thought she was "controlling" but in the past few weeks I have found that she is pure narcissitic.  She's the poster child for narcissism :!:

The feelings I have struggled with over the years have been: feeling misunderstood (I guess since I didn't have a voice), weak, and angry - actually rage.  The really weird thing is that I spent all my time trying to believe that everything was my fault and that in being so I could actually do something about it.  But it wasn't my fault and I can't change the fact that she will never understand me, never listen to me, never accept me. She is center stage and the world revolves around her.

I was suicidal from about age 13 - 25.  I then married someone who was just like my mother.  I didn't see it for years - until he began to hurt our children and eventually tried to kill me.  He was much more subtle than my mother about his narcissism.  It came across like everything he did was for me even though it was for him.  The hardest thing I've ever done was to divorce him and even that came almost too late - I didn't do it for me, I did it for my girls.

My counselors advised me to move 2000 miles away from my mom.  I began building distance and finally ended up in Tennessee with her in Ohio.  That was good.  Then my father retired and they moved to North Carolina to be closer to their grandkids (my girls). Then I divorced and moved closer to them so now I'm back at 25 miles from my mom and things are as bad as ever :?

Examples of her narcissism:  I'll be 40 next month.  She called and stated that she and dad would like to take me to a play on my birthday.
I hate plays!  I always have.  I've made no pretenses about it.  She and my sister are theatre lovers.  My sister has her PhD in Theatre.   My mom was a thespian in high school, but I don't like plays.  I guess she never heard me :!:   After telling her I don't really care about going to a play she just continued on saying she would take me and my new husband out to dinner prior to the play - "their treat".  So now I've made it clear that's not what I want to do on my birthday and she acts as though she's not heard me at all.  It's not even a gift since she has season tickets to all the plays, she hasn't gone to any expense on my account.  Why can't she just ask me what I would like for my birthday :?:  :?:  :?:

When I was 18 years old she bought me a scale for my birthday.  And the next year I received Amy Vanderbilts Book of Ettiquite and How to Dress with Style.  (Obviously I need to lose weight and look better)

Last year for Christmas I got a disposal unit for the kitchen sink.  They had purchased it for their home the year or two before but got themselves a better one and had forgotten to return this one.  So now it's my Christmas present.  (These are Upper-Middle Class people who can afford the best in life for themselves).

I have so much to vent, but I'm late for work - I case manage the severe and persistently mentally ill.  Mostly schizophrenics.  It's a really great job and I love making a difference in their lives.  My life is charmed  compared to theirs![/color]

Acappella:
Welcome Jennelayne -

Is there a reason/feeling why you didn't just say you are not going to the play?  Did you go or say you are going?  My guess is setting boundaries means saying no and meaning it.  Just learning that myself.  Boundaries always sounded so harsh to me.  Now I think of it as defining needs.

Also, though I don’t have the particular challenge of the grandchild leverage ploy used by N grandparents however you’ll find a lot of people on this site with experience to share with that issue (including successes).

My other guess is that your mom, in a weird way, wants you to sort of join her club because she really cares for you in a very limited (totally warped!) way.  My guess is she is terrified of being over weight or having poor manners herself and she is just projecting that all over you.  Your sister is perhaps being what your mom "needs" her to be.  If so, what a padded prison that must be!  What about inviting your mom/parents to something you want to do for you, she can come along or not?  Or common interests outting?  Say thank you, NO to the play and offer an alternative another time?

I hope to go back to school in psychology one day and I appreciate your candor about being in the profession and also needing to be a part of this forum as a human being apart from your work.

Acappella:
P.S.

Garbage disposal?!  Ouch!  Good place to put that miss manners book!   :D   What is it with narcissists and “gifts”?!

guest - jennelayne:
This post is from jennelayne. Still trying getting the hang of this forum.

Echo, Thanks for your replies.

As far as needing my mother's love and trying hard to get it.  I'm just not sure.  I have never felt "love" for my mother.  She sucked the life out of me and I had nothing left to give to her.  I looked for love from many, many other people; mostly men who were in some type of caring and authority position over me (teachers, youth leaders, etc.)  My mother was always coming to me to get her needs filled - getting me out of bed at night to come back down stairs and give her a kiss and a hug.  I despised it.  It was all for her, not for me.  I felt I had to obey my parents and do as they said, but I cringed to even touch my mother.  

My mom's health was always bad.  Eleven years ago she was given six month's to live and Hospice had come into her home to take care of her.  She planned her funeral, distributed her belongings and was ready to meet  her Lord. I felt like I would finally be released!  I felt so guilty that I was looking forward to her death because then I would finally be free!   Then the impossible happened.  She was healed!  A true miracle for someone who had a damaged heart from age 12 due to rheumatic fever and scarlet fever.  She had open heart surgery when I was 6 and then at age 45 was told she needed a heart transplant. She never got it and had two cardiac arrests.  She was taken off transplant lists because she was no longer able to take care of herself due to the damage of the cardiac arrests.  Then suddenly her heart was in good enough shape to perform a surgery that hadn't been possible for the past 10 years and she had two new valvues put into her heart and she has been better than she's been her whole life the past 10 years!  So here I was looking forward to her death so I could have relief and instead I get to continue dealing with her.  The emotional tricks that plays with my head are enormous!

I don't think of myself as trying to get her love.  I guess I do want her to understand who I am.  I have no doubt the woman loves me, but it's only in the warped way a narcissist loves.  She doesn't have the capacity to love any other way.  I don't want any more of her love.  What I always wanted was for her to understand me and listen to me, but it's never been and never will be.  That's what I probably continue to pursue even though I know intellectually it will never happen.  I really don't want her love.  She hugs me and wants to hold my hand and wants to look deeply into my eyes when we're together.  She's looking for some type of affirmation that I love her when she doesn't feel it from me at all because I don't have it in me to give to her.  If she had nurtured me and cared for me as a child, I may have been able to give her what she wants now.  So I guess she and I both want something from each other that the other can't or won't give.

I'll be seeing her this evening...

I_am_mine:
Jennelayne, your mom sounds so much like my Ndad.  How did your visit turn out?  Do  you have to "psyche yourself up" to visit her?  I know I have to; visiting my Ndad is extremely stressful.

To complicate things further, I now find myself in the role of "caregiver" to him... :x

Hope your visit wasn't too bad (wishful thinking) - let me know how it went.

bobbie

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