Can those abused by Ns cause NPD in their own children?

[catlover]

I haven't figured out how to use the "quote" function on here, but I wanted to respond to the following....

if .....I have taught them to be like this by putting my own needs aside and not expressing my real feelings (which I know I've done in order to please them...many times), then I am surely guilty of not doing it right.

Just what I needed, something else to beat myself up about.

So where is the happy medium?

I spend a lot of time and anguish trying to figure out a happy medium.  I'm so afraid of being a selfish henpecker like my Nmom that I often let people "walk all over me," especially if they say something like "you're being selfish."  I'm learning (slooowwly... sigh) in therapy to sense when I need to "stand up for myself."  The problem is that when you had such an unhealthy model for so long it's hard to know when to trust your own judgement (I guess that's part of the whole "voicelessness" thing too).  

I'm also learning to respect myself for having survived my childhood, through whatever coping mechanisms I was able to muster.  It's easier to not beat myself up when I consider that my "compliant behavior" was really a result of my scrappy, adaptable inner child.  So, the behavior is something I have to unlearn to adapt to my new reality, but I can respect why it's there.

Speaking of learning and unlearning...you wrote about teaching your kids to be selfish and inconsiderate by putting your own needs aside.... Well, the flip side of that is you can teach them you won't be a doormat anymore by changing your current and future behavior.  But this is not easy.... I recommend a book called "The Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Goldsomething-learner.  It basically talks about how "it takes two to tango" but obviously goes a lot deeper    But... it also talks about how it's not easy for us to change either... that our behavior serves a purpose for us too and we may not be ready to give that up.  Maybe that's what you were referring to when you said "but I LIKE people pleasing..."

Perhaps the most important person I need to teach to be nice to me is ME!!!!

[onlyrenting1]

I'm no boubt a work in progress with a 12 yr old.
the Idea of having an N-H, and an N-M, has made me so enpowered that the answers have been here and I now know what their problem is.
I find myself with co-dependency traits that are a real problem too.
I pray my daughter will not become a statistic in all of the fall out from my life, It send shivers up my spine.

Bunny said

All you have to be is a "good enough" mother. That's all that's required for positive child-rearing. If you want to improve a bit, then be more real with them. Show them some of your true feelings, not through acting them out impulsively, but by telling them how you feel or showing some real emotions but without overreacting. Set limits, have good boundaries, don't let them walk all over you, be firm, and try to understand what they're feeling. They'll appreciate it.

I do believe showing them your true feelings can work wonders.
sometimes my daughter may want something and I can be very firm in why it is NO. I try and stick to that, it's a boundry I do for myself.
She doesn't wine about it, she believes this is my true feeling and as she gets older my saying NO has become NO, without alot of effort.

She knows I love her and maybe she would want to take advantage of my big heart, but most of the time I do give her understanding, but still say No if for no other reason then it's not good to give her everything.
 

This happened to us. When you have been abused as a child and don’t have any idea why your parents abused you, you try to do better with your own children. You want them to feel loved and special, all the things your parent never gave you. In the end they feel they are special, which you of course wanted them to feel, But you didn’t count on doing such a good job that they would feel that they were better than everyone else, especially you.

In my daily work I can't help but be a people pleaser, but you can turn this around too.
Making others believe that not steping over your boundries will make life alot easier for everybody. This is something I have had to learn over time.
becasue of rules to be followed you can't let people run all over you.

I want others to feel special, I can't help myself sometimes.
I know sometimes I don't feel special because of the way I was brought up, so I want to believe making others feel loved, or special is important.
I can't change this, but you can be happy just the same by keeping your boundries. People will have more respect for you.

I still have a problem in some of these areas with my N-H, Im still new to the N behavior. I think if you can practice, tell yourself you have rules that affect others. Work on the Idea that better you than them, it will flow into all parts of your life.

I'm Making efforts to change my behaviors for my daughters sake as well as my own.
I can't take any guilt, only my new found strength will allow the change to happen in my life.  

onlyrenting