Lighter, Hops, Ami, Bella:
I apologize for this much delayed response to your very thoughtful and insightful comments. I am so appreciative of your comments. The holidays were sad and sobering for me. It took me awhile to absorb some of the comments but I did want to respond now.
The holidays were sobering, not just because of my current negative circumstances, but because it is so evident that you are all so right in that my family will not change----and does not want to change.
My mother is indeed a self-centered, selfish N, along with my Nsister. My dad has become so extreme in his co-dependent behaviors, it has become quite hopeless and sad to witness. He quite literally jumps whenever she arrives home and spends all his time anticipating her every need and wish. It is embarrassing. Over the New Year's weekend, I invited him to a movie. He hemmed and hawed but after my insistence, he finally agreed to go. Once there, he enjoyed the film but still everything revolved around my Nmom. We had to go to the earliest show in case my Nmom came home earlier than expected (he couldn't be out with me if she were home). He didn't say much of anything to me during the course of the time we were together and I realized that had I not initiated it, he would never have thought to go. In effect, I realized that he has no desire to have a relationship with me, let alone a close one. He has no need for me. HIs only need is for my Nmom and for anticipating her every whim and wish. This holiday, I went out of my way to do special things such as buying his favorite treats and selecting gifts which he would enjoy and be delighted with. He was happy with all of that but doesn't really appreciate it all. I realized that in my whole life, he has never himself selected a gift or card for me. He never asks about me. He has never offered me any advice. He has never expressed interest in my life or interests. The same is true of him and my brother. My Nsis, of course, is a different situation since she is the chosen child. I've tried repeatedly to talk to my dad, ask about his health, his interests, etc. But quite literally, he changes the subject, says something silly or refuses to have a real conversation. I certainly could never go to him with a real problem or question. Perhaps it is the result of being with my extremely Nmom all his adult life. Perhaps being on the receiving end of her narcissism has caused him to be a completely helpless, co-dependent person. It seems to have gotten worse. He has no opinions of his own. He can't make his own decisions. His whole life revolves around my Nmom and what she wants.
As for my Nmom, she treats him so badly. He will talk to her about something or ask a question and she will quite literally ignore him and pretend he didn't say anything. Over the holidays this happened and I turned to her and said, "Mom, dad's asking you something!!" She just looked at me like I was crazy. She is very, very fully aware of what she is doing. She deliberately does this and it is heartbreaking and so painful to watch. I wanted to slap her.
My Nmom is just so selfish. She only interacts with me when she needs or wants something. Thus, when she wanted me to help her with her work or something else, she turns to me. My father requires me to drop everything to help her. (I live with them so it is hard to ignore or say no.) She has absolutely no respect for me, nor my dad. One of my therapists once acknowledged that it is obvious they have no respect for me. My mom only respects those who make a lot of money, have expensive houses or are powerful. Thus, in her eyes, I'm a total failure. Nevermind that she would never lift a finger to help me or support me, as she has her "chosen child." She cares so much about what others think---strangers even. What they think matters so much more than her own family.
My brother, the healthy one, proved very disappointing as well this holiday. He has withdrawn from my parents, due to their behavior. I think he has tossed me into the mix. He put no thought in the gifts he got for us. In fact, I provided gifts for him to give my parents (he paid me back) because he had no idea what to get them. I spent a lot of thought selecting gifts for him and his family. I dont care about the gifts. But to me, it just showed he took no interest in me and doesn't know me at all.
What I realized is that he has no interest in having a close relationship with me or in spending any real time with me. He invests so much time and effort into his wife and daughter but invests none in me. I'm like an item on his to-do list. He'll call to check in once in a while but he doesn't want to know how I'm "feeling". All he cares about is whether I've found a job yet. He never confides in me. He never shares with me. He reserves all that for his own family.
I felt so sad and lonely, rejected and let down this holiday. I realize that I am really alone. My parents don't care about me. My brother doesn't in any real way. I have no friends. I haven't been able to find a job. In my Nmom's eyes, I am a total failure and I think maybe she's right. No matter how hard I try, I just can't get out of my deep hole.
I volunteer at my church, donated to charities this season, went out of my way for my neighbors, did other little things for my family to help make a happy holiday....but I was just left feeling really empty and alone. It really hurts that I matter to no one, especially my own family. In my brother's case, I guess I'm only first realizing that he really doesn't value a relationship with me like I have with him. He only values his wife and daughter. I know there are many people who feel the same way about their siblings. But I just don't get it. How can you forget the person(people) you spent your childhood with, shared a house with for 18 years.....He just refuses to try to put himself in my shoes. He only includes me when it is convenient for him. For example, once in a blue moon, he'll squeeze me in when his wife and daughter are off doing something else. So for two hours while they're off doing something else, he deigns to see me. But I am never a priority. That's what I'm realizing. I've never been and not now a priority for anyone. So I just was left feeling so disappointed and rejected.
Lighter, I think you are right. They take advantage of me. They just assume I will always be there, being the one who does all the special things, who goes along. I had a reader not long ago tell me that I should disance myself from them. Maybe then, she said, they will miss you . I personally don't think they'll ever miss me, but I do think they will never change. How painful that is!
As for meds, I'm on meds. They help a little with the energy and sleep but not with the depression. I have tried many and none has really worked well.
I guess I have to accept that I am alone. It seems I have spent my whole life alone---doing everything alone, feeling alone. Everyone else in my family has someone who cares about them---a husband, wife, children, boyfriend. I just don't. A person I thought was a friend and who I supported for more than 15 years, just deserted me when I lost my job. I don't know. It just seems I continue to do for others, but they have no time for or interest in me.
I feel so sad I could break in two. I feel hopeless. People always say when one door closes, another window opens. But that is just the case for me. I just get one disappointment after another and I think my family has been the biggest disappointment of all.
Sorry for the very long and very depressing rant. My new year's prediction for my sign said I need to let go of the past. But letting go of the past is so hard when it's your family.
I think when you come from a family of narcissists, you learn to focus only on the narcissists. That leaves you with no hopes, dreams or wishes of your own. That leaves no one to focus on you. I think that's my situation. I am invisible. It's odd that neither of my siblings, neither the N nor the healthy one, ever felt that way. THey always places themselves as a priority. I'm the middle child..and also the one spurned by my older Nsibling at an early age. But it has damaged me. I know that now. For me, it is most sad and sobering to realize that no one cares about what I go through. They are so selfish and unwilling to compromise or put themselves in my shoes.
Ah well....thanks again for listening and posting. Sorry for the negative post. The last few weeks have just been painful. I know others are going through much more difficult times. My heart and soul does go out to them. I can certainly empathize and I can only hope they have others in their lives who can help them through.
