N behavior???I

[Bloopsy]

Hi. I just wanted to say some things about this man that I am seeing---they seem kind of nish/outrageous to me. I was wondering what you guys thought about them?????
-after we broke up, I stopped being his friend on a computer sight called friendster. Then, when we got back together, he was reluctant to be friends with me again on it cuz he was so worried about what people would think, then took a lot of time writing a testimonial about me for it, which was not about me but about his cleverness, after which he lay in bed going over and over it and obsessing about what he had written and laughing about it and getting a big kick out of it.
you know what????Let me shut up.He will never love or care no or not for me and the more I start to care for him the more unbalanced the whole thing is. I can just tell that he will never care for me. It is hard for me to not go into the whole maybe he is heart was so broken poor baby thing. But I can't have anything to do with helping his heart. I am absolutely projecting. This morning I told him I was feeling depressed and he said, look at the good things look at the pancakes. When I am depressed that makes it worse because I KNOW there are beautiful things in the world EVERYWHERE but I have no acsess to them. But it was more the way he said it in an uncaring way. It was the tone that bothered me. i had taken a big risk because I was scared to say how I really felt.
I feel like now that I am realizing things about him, like he will never care----we both smoke and I had lost all my money somehow, and this morning had no cigarettes, and this morning he bought a 2pack, and gave me one single cigarette, knowing full well I would have none for the day. At that point I felt too humiliiated to ask because I had been trying so hard not to sink into the flooor over how depressed I was feeling and was therefore acting like an idiot trying to be cheerful and failing MISERABLY.
 He just seems like such a nice sweet goofy guy. But there is something wrong. There is something really really wrong., I feel like by going back to him I have slapped myself in the face. There is really no one there here  in me for that kind of a relationship. I don't have a strong adult and my kids are all out of control and feel shamed because it is like daddy. After I broke things off with him, I just felt like sinking into my bed forever because I just felt like I am alone again, all alone now to die and all of my fear and I didn't listen to you guys, e-----it's hard when your so hellbent on excaping what seems like hell,..  I can't say what the hell is wrong with him but I know what is wrong with me and that is that I am not stepping up to the plate to fight for my kids so they are looking outside of me for someone to love them and they are damaged children, attracted to daddymen who will do daddy things but if daddy would only love us everything would be okay, and if this guy would only stop obsessing over himself long enough to look at us and see us as a human being that would make me feel so much more better. I admit inside I am crying why can't he see me and why doesn't he care and how can anyone be so unemotional and cut off from tenderness....... I don't think I can laugh at his jokes anymore. I like jokes but not look at me I'm funny jokes. He is not the problem though. Another person would not feel like they had to laugh at his jokes. I am feeling more and more degraded by my behavior------I just can't respect myself.  What is my problem. I can't protect myself. i know that he is not going to want to see me anymore because nobody wants a doormat. There is something wrong very very wrong there is something very wrong and it is not with him it is with me. Well being with him is not going to fix it it only points it out in glaring tec hnicolor. Sorry for the long gambling rant. But you know what even if he is an N I still feel like I am the one who is half on the floor with this begging disgusting desire to please him and that only makes him behave more  . I think I am an IDIOT. Love,B

[mum]

Hey, Bloopsy, don't despair.  You're just hurting, that's all.  You don't need to berate yourself anymore.  Give yourself a break.  You're ok.  Pain is in everyone's life.  It is a price we pay to be human.  It's not something to be ashamed of feeling.  Go ahead and feel it. It's just something that tells us a thing or two....not meant to be a way of life.  What is this pain telling you?
 
If having this man around confuses you, then get some space for yourself.  Your children will be ok as long as you are. Don't let a "man around for them" be your guide.  Kids only need one good parent.
If this man is right for you, maybe he is not right "right now".  If he is right later, then later it is.....and he will allow you time.  If not, you are better off alone.  Alone is not so bad.   Once you take time and find ways to like yourself, it's actually fun to be alone. Alone and lonely are two different things.

He is probably not a good candidate for personal therapist right now.  Do you have one you could talk to?   That may really help.  Breathe. You deserve your own respect and love.  You are totally and completely lovable.

[Bloopsy]

Thank you mum. I admit I just don't like the way I treat myself and anything is better than how I treat myself so I juess that , whoops well that is glaringly what I need to work on. I admit that it seems impossible. I have been with my therapist for a long long time well like two years and she is an expert in this feild and all I do is seem to get worse. Maybe I am not getting the message. I admit that it has gotten to the point that anything to turn the abusive voice off in my head anything at all, please I feel like please save me from this horribles voices and they said that no medicine could take it away i admit that was whenb i started to crumble even more and more and I feed into other people's buls###### because it is better than what is yelling at me in my head. WTF

[bunny]

Bloopsy,

It sounds like this guy is pretty "into himself" and it's hard to ask him for anything because he won't be careful enough with your vulnerability.

When you talk about your children, do you mean real children or alters or internal children...?

Who told you that no medicine would help you?

Have you called your therapist today?

take care,
bunny

[Bloopsy]

Hi Bunny,
my children are my inner children and there are 4. Bloopsy Bipsy Little Bridget and Bee. You're right he is into himself and unavailable-------I think that's why I get so hooked because he can come off as a sweet guy until he gets me to his home where he acts like the king of the palace, and then I think that it's my job to indulge him hoping to bring out the sweet guy again. I noticed that he treated one of his roommates very punitively after the roommmate left the door open-------- I don't understand that kind of behavior to other people, thinking that that's okay. Blah.
     I don't have enough of an internal parent to prtect my kids from thinking that they deserve to be treated any old which way like we were growing up-- and have been allowing it to happen. I think that they/me get so hopeful you know????????????
I am going to go to my heart and write out a list of what I value, and try to make it my business to move towards that for myself. Along time ago I sold myself out on that one. I have noticed that many of the things that I do and the way I treat myself and others is degraded and I think that this will help????I talked to  this soul healer and he reminded me that I have to focus on having these values for myself first, before I focused on treating other people with compassion and kindness and that bled me so dry because I was not doing the same for myself. I know that everybody deserves to be treated that way, but I admit that it will be a while and I am going to be selfish  ridget nowbecause I have literally made my self sick through trying to give what I don't have to give. I think that the people who actually care about me will be happy that I am being kind and giving to myself, even if it means that I can't do much for them right now. Well I admit that I have been wishing that I could do things like holidays and birthdays for a long time now but I actually haven't. So anyway. That's it for me I think. I could never accept the fact that unless you love and respect yourself no one else can but I feel like I am beginning to now. Whatever. I am sort of all talk right now. One thing is for sure it is not about him---------not about him.

[longtire]

Bloopsy, that's a fantastic rant!  I picture you standing there and saying all this stream of conciousness without even taking a breath.  Do you feel better when you're done, or is it the same for you?  I love to listen to someone rant.  I know its the pure, unedited stuff.  All truth.  

I feel like I need to rant today and just get a bunch of feelings out.  Unfortunately, when I feel that way, its hardest for me to express myself.  When I try to rant, I edit and revise it at least twice before I send it to press.  Sort of loses its immediacy when I do that....

[bunny]

Hi Bloopsy and hi kids!

It would be really hard for you to have a good internal parent right off the bat. It takes a while to integrate one. I think your therapist can be the parent until your own parent is more developed. That's what I let my therp. do anyway.

I agree that you should give yourself the good things that were only given to others who didn't even know how precious they were.

bunny

[serena]

Thank you mum. I admit I just don't like the way I treat myself and anything is better than how I treat myself so I juess that , whoops well that is glaringly what I need to work on. I admit that it seems impossible. I have been with my therapist for a long long time well like two years and she is an expert in this feild and all I do is seem to get worse. Maybe I am not getting the message. I admit that it has gotten to the point that anything to turn the abusive voice off in my head anything at all, please I feel like please save me from this horribles voices and they said that no medicine could take it away i admit that was whenb i started to crumble even more and more and I feed into other people's buls###### because it is better than what is yelling at me in my head. WTF

The most valuable thing you could ever do for yourself is to find out whose voice is 'yelling in your head'.......

It took me a very, very long time to realise that it was my mother's.....

Even now, I hear that voice but I have learnt to be my own therapist and my own parent...

I hope that doesn't sound trite... everytime you hear a 'voice' ask YOURSELF where it is coming from - you will soon recognise that it's an abusive voice, somebody from your childhood who should have loved you but didn't............

Kindest regards