Hi. I just wanted to say some things about this man that I am seeing---they seem kind of nish/outrageous to me. I was wondering what you guys thought about them?????
-after we broke up, I stopped being his friend on a computer sight called friendster. Then, when we got back together, he was reluctant to be friends with me again on it cuz he was so worried about what people would think, then took a lot of time writing a testimonial about me for it, which was not about me but about his cleverness, after which he lay in bed going over and over it and obsessing about what he had written and laughing about it and getting a big kick out of it.
you know what????Let me shut up.He will never love or care no or not for me and the more I start to care for him the more unbalanced the whole thing is. I can just tell that he will never care for me. It is hard for me to not go into the whole maybe he is heart was so broken poor baby thing. But I can't have anything to do with helping his heart. I am absolutely projecting. This morning I told him I was feeling depressed and he said, look at the good things look at the pancakes. When I am depressed that makes it worse because I KNOW there are beautiful things in the world EVERYWHERE but I have no acsess to them. But it was more the way he said it in an uncaring way. It was the tone that bothered me. i had taken a big risk because I was scared to say how I really felt.
I feel like now that I am realizing things about him, like he will never care----we both smoke and I had lost all my money somehow, and this morning had no cigarettes, and this morning he bought a 2pack, and gave me one single cigarette, knowing full well I would have none for the day. At that point I felt too humiliiated to ask because I had been trying so hard not to sink into the flooor over how depressed I was feeling and was therefore acting like an idiot trying to be cheerful and failing MISERABLY.
He just seems like such a nice sweet goofy guy. But there is something wrong. There is something really really wrong., I feel like by going back to him I have slapped myself in the face. There is really no one there here in me for that kind of a relationship. I don't have a strong adult and my kids are all out of control and feel shamed because it is like daddy. After I broke things off with him, I just felt like sinking into my bed forever because I just felt like I am alone again, all alone now to die and all of my fear and I didn't listen to you guys, e-----it's hard when your so hellbent on excaping what seems like hell,.. I can't say what the hell is wrong with him but I know what is wrong with me and that is that I am not stepping up to the plate to fight for my kids so they are looking outside of me for someone to love them and they are damaged children, attracted to daddymen who will do daddy things but if daddy would only love us everything would be okay, and if this guy would only stop obsessing over himself long enough to look at us and see us as a human being that would make me feel so much more better. I admit inside I am crying why can't he see me and why doesn't he care and how can anyone be so unemotional and cut off from tenderness....... I don't think I can laugh at his jokes anymore. I like jokes but not look at me I'm funny jokes. He is not the problem though. Another person would not feel like they had to laugh at his jokes. I am feeling more and more degraded by my behavior------I just can't respect myself. What is my problem. I can't protect myself. i know that he is not going to want to see me anymore because nobody wants a doormat. There is something wrong very very wrong there is something very wrong and it is not with him it is with me. Well being with him is not going to fix it it only points it out in glaring tec hnicolor. Sorry for the long gambling rant. But you know what even if he is an N I still feel like I am the one who is half on the floor with this begging disgusting desire to please him and that only makes him behave more . I think I am an IDIOT. Love,B