Dear Abuser

[mum]

Thanks for the support.  It honestly surprised me how much it helped me.

To the last guest who posted...I appreciate your support. My understanding of this PAS garbage is that it is an agenda of "father's rights initiatives" and has little or no substantive support from the phsychological community, but LOTS of support from lawyers and wealthy, insecure ass hole fathers...and thus the courts listen.  There is a great site: www.thelizlibrary.org where you can read a lot about this.  It gets to you after a while though, because case after case, children are pawns in a game for swine.......... custody is given to abusers time and time again....PAS is just another little twist on taking freedom and voice away from the innocent.  

As far as "liberal".....no offense taken. As a liberal, though, I could just as easily say it's a reflection of the conservative, male dominated, right wing agenda.  But, really, I believe the truth is not on one side or the other.....there are things in this world that suck and this is one of them.

I remain steadfast in my ability to find my (and my kids') way out of this fog.  I leave tomorrow (kids are with dad) for another very infrequent and brief vacation with my fiance, siblings and aging mother, who is deteriorating slowly in a nursing home (2000 miles away).  It is always bittersweet, but this is my pain, and I WILL learn and grow stronger from this!  

Good things will come my way....and lots are already here...this I know.
You'll see, I will post some amazing thing here one day that will change everything..........and it will give all of us hope!

[mum]

Jeesh, I just read my last post and I should clarify!  I'm afraid the "you'll see I will post some amazing thing.... "  may have sounded like I think I will be a voice of God, or a prophet or some other rather N sounding thing!.  I really meant that I believe something wonderful will happen to me and in the telling of it, we will all feel there is hope or a way out.

[Guest from afar]

Thank you to the original poster for allowing me to feel the pain and anger in my heart. I felt it emerging as I read your letter. I have buried the pain so deeply but it needs to come out. Your passionate, angry post helped me to feel my feelings.  I feel sure it is cathartic for you to have written such a post and am glad you are no longer with the Narcissist concerned and that you have hope in your heart for future happiness.

To Mum: I am horrified by the injustice of such a system. I hope you and the kids will prevail in this awful struggle. Keep being hopeful and I'll be praying for you. Safe travelling, also.

S

[Onlyrenting1]

Mum, I'm so sorry for your struggle, you give me so much insight.
 
 

accuse me of parental alienation syndrome.

How do you avoid this one?

They will say anything. Your kids live with you, This is too easy.

I know I will have to face this one, I have so many worries about the divorce nite mare, about to face me.

You are always strong, you shake it off quick to move on to better thoughts.

thinking peace for your family ..... onlyrenting

[bkkabri]

your writings were dead on.  I have these emotions that just flare up because on one hand I love her so much and on the other I want her to suffer for the cruelity of her words.  I just wish that our relationship meant something to my ex N.  I wish she had the ability to talk to me about her needs   I wish I never told her about my dad so that she felt like she could talk about her day.  I just wish she cared for us like she made me beleive.  I am sick inside knowing she knows about me, and that she used my family against me to make me feel weak.  I didnt ask for AIDS to be in my life.  I didnt ask for her to stop talking about her day.  I asked a human being to respect the fact that I cant stomach the graphic details of disease.  Was that asking too much?  I need to know because I dont want anyone to do this to me again.  The good news is I found my old therapist, and she agreed to take me on.  I hope I can regain my soul again.  God hate my ex for making me love the facade.  I miss it so much.

[Anonymous]

GFN:  Thank you so much for the eloquent post.  It touched me immeasureably.  Patz

Mum:  There is one thing your ex-narc is not counting on.  His behaviour will eventually alienate his children.  It is such a large problem now sharing with him, but eventually your children will have a mind of their own. There independence will be excercised and he will be cut off.  

I have seen this played out in my girlfriend's life.  Her older son has nothing to do with his father because of all the lies, his missed promises, the on going court apperances.......Now he can't understand why his son does not have anything to do with him.  My girlfriend made sure her children had their visitation, made sure she did all the things necessary.  When her children matured they just made their own decision.  You will ultimately win everything............love cannot be bought, it cannot be cajoled, it cannot be brow beaten into any one.  Love involves self sacrifice and I assure you that your children will realize and KNOW the real "go to person".  Patz

[Anonymous]

mum,
No need to apologize for hope. You sound like someone in the darkness hoping and expecting the sun to come back up someday. That is not presuming to be a mouthpiece for God.
I must admit I cringed when I read Guest blaming PAS on liberals and I'm about as conservative as you can get.
"But really, I believe the truth is not on one side or the other... there are things in this world that suck and this is one of them."
Amen to that. Left or right, man or woman, black or white; human nature is capable of unspeakable things.
I pray that God blesses you for your gentle spirit and I look forward to reading your amazing posts someday.

Mudpuppy

[Anonymous]

mum,

I'm sorry to hear such discouraging things from your attorney. I believe that there is such a thing as PAS. But not here. It doesn't look like it at all. Your exN's attorney may even be famous for accusing the custodial parent of PAS. Maybe he has quite a reputation for it. And maybe his accusations are now seen as a "ploy" rather than as substantiated fact. Is that possible??

bunny

[miaxo]

GFN

Great post!  My Mom was over today and I had to pull it up again and read it to her.  I'm very close with my Mom and she experiences the pain my X N inflicts since it involves her daughter and grandkids.


Mum , it's very scary how lawyers are using PAS as a weapon.  Thus far I don't think that my x N has caught wind of the PAS phenomenon (knock on wood).  That's the only card he hasn't played in his ongoing litigation.

Mia

[Anonymous]

Thankyou everyone who has posted to me and for saying such nice things about what I wrote.  You are all very kind and I really appreciate your support.  It felt like the words just burst out of me for some reason and then I was afraid to press submit.  The guilt thing again.  Not wanting to offend anyone.  Worrying that I was being too harsh.  Even, afraid to put my GFN at the end of it.  Stupid guilt and fear.

But......I did press submit.....anyway......and I'm not sure how to express my gratitude for so many understanding and flattering comments.  I really did not expect that and I'm sure I blush every time I read those.  I remember thinking......"this could be a lot of people here expressing what they feel about their abusers"...but then I just kept typing and trying to say it from my thoughts and from my gut.....which turns out to be a lot of people's point of view.  I'm sorry that so many here have had to endure such pain.  It does help to share and especially to know that other people understand what it's like (but it makes me feel sad to think that so many do know exactly these things).  I hope you all do take hold of the idea that some day this will all be a bland, thin, weak, hardly visible and fading memory, with little effect on our lives.  It's a good goal.

Mum----what about a third party?  Are there any counselors involved with you kids that could do affidavits?  Any other witnesses, that they have expressed their feelings/experiences re dad and visiting dad to?  My experience with the legal system has been to fact them to death.  The more paper you have, with competent, expert signatures intact, the better.  The higher that stack of factual information....the more likely your position will be viewed as substantiated.  It takes a great amount of energy and time to seek out information that will benefit your case but it is well worth it.  Lawyers do not waste their time on this.  This is something one must do for oneself....especially....if there are allegations made of PAS.

I hope your trip to visit your mother goes well and I'm looking forward to reading that great story too!

GFN