The Secret

[Anonymous]

I was having a lovely afternoon with my son today.  When I got home my daughter  gave me the message that my sister had called and needed to talk to me asap.  My sister is 64, I am 51 and our mother is 88.  I live in Canada, 600 miles from my mother and my sister lives in the U.S.  My daughter 18 and I are planning a trip to visit my sister and she asked that we not tell my Nmother who gets very upset when she hears that someone is visiting anyone but her.  I agreed to the "secret".  Then last week my niece who lives in the same town as my mother, phoned to say she was coming here on a business trip and wanted to stay over the weekend.  I told her we were going to be away but that we hadn't told "mother".  I assumed that would mean she wouldn't report this back - anyway the story unfolded so that our other sister, 70, heard about the 'clandestine' trip and immediately called my 64 year old sister and invited herself to come along!

Confused

This takes us to the phone call today from my 64 year old sis.  She's in a fury that this has 'gotten out' and had called my niece and chastised her for telling someone who would pas this one, etc.  As if this isn't crazy enough she asks her to think about the damage she has done, yadda yadda....

I called Nmother and told her about the visit we had planned then called my niece and checked to make sure she hadn't been too undone by the drama my sister laid on her!

Now, here's the thing.  I'm feeling guilty for telling my niece about this trip instead of being pi**ed off with my sister for asking me to keep the secret!  I know that my mother goes into a N-rage about these visits and generally I don't care.  This time I let myself be talked into the 'secret' because my sis (who I think is more narcissistic than I thought) convinced me that mother takes this out on her more than anyone else in the family (that special thing, turned backwards) How did I get to feeling like this is my fault??

[rosencrantz]

1.  If you don't want to keep a secret, don't say you will.

2.  If you agree to keep a secret, don't tell.

R

[Anonymous]

most unhelpful

[Nic]

Hi guest,
Quite a predicament indeed.  May I just point out that the spectrum ( broad as it is!) of dysfunction and conflict is dependent on just the ingredients you outlined in your post here.
Rosencrantz's answer to you seems to point out that when you chose to play the "secrets" game you end up with just the results you expressed in your post.
Look at how your Nmother has programmed you and your sibblings to bounce things connected to her off one another, divisions are created etc., all this activity is in orbit around N mother's supply needs.

In my family for instance the battle is lost, I have one brother who is very N now and we can no longer have a relationship.  He could not ( notice I didn't say would not) understand my parents' behaviours toward me when my conflict with them began.  My mother especially has chastised him, ignored him, batterred him emotionally and declared him the " bad guy" many years ago.  When I rebelled ( at age 40 thank you very much!), rather than understanding me, my brother fell for my mother's exchanging me ,as a source of N supply, for him.  Consequently, he is who I was before and I have broken free of the whole N system within my family.
Rosencrantz's reply, at least the way I received it, is a synthesis of your post with an answer.  If you decide to play the N game with all its twists and deceptions, you will perpetually find yourself aghast after every incident like the one you mention,feeling emptied and wondering " What the hell just happened...again!".  If you have a good relationship with your sibblings and can approach the problem with a united front ( oh how I wish it could have been like that for me!) as a group you could understand your Nmother's disease and save yourselves a lot of grief.
It's about making choices and following through and yes it's scary. It's about being honest and having resolve.
It's about being fair, and I think R was being fair with you by not validating your feelings of guilt. Because the problem is not your guilt at not keeping the secret, it's the "secret" itself.
Keep in mind that I realise you've been through alot having an N mother, having been there myself..i've had my own little jolts now and then where I've had to swallow it and fall down, get up and start again.
Having a voice is wonderful, it's a beautiful gift to give oneself, it is also a gift we can give to others.
Best wishes,
Nic.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for a thoughful response. I realise that I felt quite shamed by the first response and although I found myself reacting to your defense of the first response, I did feel heard by you and appreciated your insight.  Thanks again.  I think I may need more help with my sister than my mother.

[CC]

Dear Guest,

Rosencrantz has a wonderful, refreshing albiet sometimes uncomfortable way of snapping us out of it.  She has done this to me and it is very effective.  Initially, it is uncomfortable but she is usually right on.  She tells it like it is.

Yes, you did feel shame.  She pointed out what you were already feeling.. and that is very difficult for us as children of Ns to handle.  All that comes to mind is the expression... 'OH, what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive"..

I think you have answered your own question.  It is your sister you have the issue with on this, not your Nmother.  It sounds like you have already dealt with your feelings about your mom.  Now your sister is putting you in a bad position.  In the future (this probably doesn't help you now) but you could say to her, "I appreciate that you don't want to see mom, but it puts me in a very uncomfortable situation and I can't promise that I will be able to hide it from her.  Perhaps you can find another way to deal with it."  

As for the immediate situation, perhaps you could call her and apologize for telling her secret to your niece (you did break the "promise", after all..) and tell her that it may have been your conscience that caused you to slip because you weren't comfortable with the secret to begin with.. and that you weren't clear that it should be hidden from all family members (not just Nmom)..and you would appreciate it if she would not put you in that position again.  This way you are taking responsibility but also letting her know your feelings to avoid this in the future.

You are feeling like this is all your fault because you probably knew this when you initially agreed to the "secret".  Thats okay, it was probably a familiar, habitual defense mechanism.  Didn't want to disappoint anyone, did you?  In your attempt to please others (to get approval we didn't get from Nmom) you shot yourself in the foot.  You were not acting out of your true self.  You will know next time.

[rosencrantz]

You are anonymous here, Guest, so nobody knows who you are and so you need not feel shame about what is written.  

Yet, shame is good!

I know from my own 'journey' from the hell of being ACON that if you can feel your shame and recognise it for what it is then you are well on your way out of the chains that bind.  You'll discover your own narcissism and then a clear path out of the wood - if you choose to take it.  But there's a lot of 'owning up' and taking responsibility for your own contribution to the confusion in between.  You'll need to be strong!

I do not have siblings - but my mother had a sister (exactly like her) with four children.  I've seen and experienced the way they learnt to play each other off against each other...the mother allowed each child to relate only to her and she then orchestrated the relationships each was allowed to have with the other.  And narcissistic families always have  scapegoats.

And that's the story of your family, too.

My sis (who I think is more narcissistic than I thought) convinced me that mother takes this out on her more than anyone else in the family...

There is no reason to believe that what she recounts as her experience is inaccurate and there's nothing in your description that suggests she is narcissistic - her perception may be true or she may be more sensitised to your mother.  Does she not live much nearer, too?  So she's easier for your mother to get at?  You say that you live 600 miles away and 'don't care' about the rages your mother gets into.  Your sister does - why not respect that?  Why not (perish the thought!) help her and support her if she does?  (Because...see paragraphs above!)

For what it's worth, I think your sister was wrong to take it out on your niece (her daughter, I assume) - you were the one she really had the argument with but she chose an option which felt safer (it's called 'kicking the cat')!    (Why could she not challenge you? What is she afraid of?)

But you were wrong to then 'tell' your mother rather than talking through with your sister the best way of handling it together.  Seems to me you dumped your sister right in it!  And then with your very next action, you chose to come between sister and daughter.  

Once you understand your family dynamic, you will understand that you are only doing exactly what your mother taught you to do : divide and rule.

You could (instead) help bring family members closer together eg support your sister in sorting out the fears that she's currently taking out on her daughter so that their relationship can get better.  It's hard to want to bring people together when you've been rewarded for tearing them apart and experienced the 'being torn apart' yourself.  (I know!)

I will hold up my hand to the fact that your post pressed buttons for me.  I felt outraged on behalf of your sister.  I identified with her. She appears to have taken the role of family scapegoat and I fear she's in much deeper psychological trouble than anyone else in your family.  It often happens for middle siblings, even in fairly healthy families.

I am so glad I didn't have siblings.  I'd probably never have escaped intact.  It's tough enough trying to untangle things between mother, father and daughter, much more complicated to work out what's going on when there are more people involved.

But if you can take responsibility for your own role in all that confusion (eg honour a request you agree to or just say 'no' or just don't visit) then there's a good chance of things getting much better for everyone.  

Because you 'don't care' you may be strong enough to be the one to lead the others out of it.  (But you may find that you care very much indeed - and that will be a time when I will be here to give you the biggest hug of your life!  I didn't care either, but spent one afternoon of my recovery sobbing 'Of course, I care, of course I b***** care!')

You asked for opinion.  I have been honest with you.  It was not my intention to shame.  Your shame came out of your acknowledgement of the truth.  I read somewhere recently : the truth will set you free.

Good luck.  We all need to know that people are rooting for us to have a healthy outcome.  And that's what you'll find here on this board.  
R

[Anonymous]

It should have occured to me that you were reacting from your own pain when you posted your response.  I'm so conditioned to take responsibility for everything that I forget that sometimes people's reactions have much less to do with me than them.  Having said that I appreciate your honestly and your insights.  As I've struggled with my own response to these posts, a couple of things have occured to me.  I've allowed myself to become an ally in a "struggle" that is not primarily mine.  From as long back as I can remember, my sister impressed upon me that she would save me from the family "dysfunctions" all I had to do was be loyal to her.

Somewhere in my foggy youth I rebelled - without a voice.  I didn't want to be obliged to her for "saving my life" when I didn't feel saved at all.  My father was still sexually inappropriate and my mother still blamed me for everything that upset her world.  My sister would come home (she was away at college) and tell me how lucky I was to have her supporting me and I'd feel awful because I felt awful!  

So in a way, you were right.  I am the weak link here.  I've never had the courage to tell her that I felt more abused by her than anyone - somehow I was going to be the mark of her existence - the one she saved when she couldn't save herself.  

It may be that our mother is more cruel with her than the rest of us, I don't know that.  What I do know is that having participated in this last "secret meeting" has exposed much of my own despair and feeling of being "trapped in the mirror" as Elan Golomb puts it.

The username "guest" is as good as any for me.  It helps me feel safe when I'm not certain that this is a safe place.

[rosencrantz]

Well, great big hugs and welcome!  This is sometimes a working place and sometimes a resting place - use it as you need.  

What a complicated time you've had. It's so difficult to see reality through the confusion that's sown by our dysfunctional families.
Sometimes it's also difficult to be clear about what we need and want and to express it clearly so that others can respond.

I wonder if you really mean that your sister abused you more than your mother or father?  Perhaps (may I share my thought?) you are so angry with her for not doing what you felt she promised - and that was to save you - really and truly save you eg by taking you away or making your parents act differently.  Instead she left you there to suffer.  She gave you hope but then dashed it.

And yet from your adult perspective, you'll know that a sister at college could do little more than try to share the truth with you.  She couldn't physically take you away.  Or could she?  I wonder in what way she thought she was saving you...

I think that finding a voice means finding the truth - your own truth - and then a greater truth.  (When you finally reach into your own reality, you'll find that things somehow moved on without you and you have to spend time catching up with yourself!)  

This is a good place to experiment with telling the truth, sharing truths -  different versions and accounts of your life - until you 'catch up with yourself' - and then you'll have really found your voice - and then you'll feel really strong and safe.  But there is a lot of pain and despair to feel in between time.   Being challenged to 'look again' is painful - but it's jolly useful!  

Be our Guest (as you say) - but why not be a special Guest???

Take care
R

[Discounted Girl]

Ah, Rosencrantz, as usual my feelings are validated by your posts. Secrets, shhhhh, secrets, whispers, wimpers and sobs in the dark -- they haunt me and I shall never participate in them again. Keeping the secrets allow the cruel games to go on and I shall never turn my back and pretend again. But I didn't know all this before.

Guest, you have happened upon a wonderful resource here and a marvelous place in which to rest and unload. That's how I feel. I read these posts and I look to see if my name is at the bottom -- truly amazed at the similar experiences -- more amazed at the insights and the bounty of knowledge.

Playing siblings against each other -- yes, indeed. That is perhaps the cruelest Ntrait of all. To take your babies and destroy their natural love for each other.  That my mother never loved me is the hardest truth I have ever had to accept. That she secretly told lies to my brother until he believed them is the next hardest. It goes against nature --- it's the reverse of the way it is supposed to be -- like EVIL is LIVE in reverse. While sorrow still lives in my heart and I still mourn for what I never had, I do feel relief in knowing she can never use me as her pawn again.

[rosencrantz]

Hello Discounted Girl - I do so love YOU.  You say things that I've never said and never would say and yet...your voice is almost like another 'me' I never found.  I still have your post printed off somewhere that goes 'shame, shame, shame...you had a good little girl...'!     Love it to bits.

I've never been kind enough to the little girl in me to say all that in my own defence - I only learned to be tough and kick her around like my mother did.  I replaced my mother's sick values with my own values but I impose them in a ruthless way - demanding discipline and truth and honesty and integrity and perfection.  Reality whittled to the bone.  No hiding place.  And I guess I do that to others, too.  Sorry, folks!

I jeer at myself for being soft, I gag at people who sugar-coat their experiences.  "Get on out there and take responsibility for your life and what you do in it.  Feelings matter not.  Just do it."  Perhaps I express here two polar opposite. In which case, neither offers the whole truth.

But, you know, Discounted Girl, coming back to your post, it's not that your mother never loved you, she never KNEW you!  Is it worse?  I think not.  She never knew you but if she had, she could have (would have) loved you!  She was just incapable of seeing other people in the world - only her reflection in the mirror and the figments of her imagination and they didn't make her happy one little bit.  If she could have seen you, you would have made her very happy.
R