Ex Dilemma

[Anonymous]

Here's a few more and then I'm off to cook din din.

Enjoy your evening all!!

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her  mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child  thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing  black?"

 

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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she  could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she  prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't  let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a  curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got  up brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once  again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But  please don't shove me either!"

 

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls  it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no  male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial  service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

 

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

 

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby  sitter."

 

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches  us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one  little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,  including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,  "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

 

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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong  preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa  Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

PS:(in my family case.....this is fairly accurate!!!)

GFN

[Anonymous]

GFN,
Unlike your therapists you exceeded my expectations.    

mudpuppy

[Anonymous]

GFN,

Unlike your therapists you exceeded my expectations

Sorry, that sounded pretty stupid. I didn't mean your therapists didn't meet my expectations. I meant your therapists disappointed you but your jokes exceeded my expectatons. I think I got it right that time. I'm just talking to myself anyway so never mind. Been cooped up all day, getting punchy.  

mud

[Anonymous]

Mudpuppy:

I got it the first time.
 
Hey......did you end up selling the bulldozer to the Amish?

I have my own mini excavator.  And I ain't sellin' it to nobody!!!   Dug myself 9 gardens last year and holes for 47 trees.  The thing is better than a crew of grave diggers! (which I won't need....now that I have my own mini excavator).

My H has an R2 and a couple of D2's (anitques), not restored....yet.  

What will you do without your bulldozer?

Off to laze infront of the tv for awhile.  Enough of this for my fingers and toes!

Sweet dreams all.

GFN

[October]

I love those stories and jokes!!! Thanks everso

((((((big hugs to everyone)))))))

[Anonymous]

Ok October....so ...to keep the momentum going a little longer....this had me going pretty good:

Dear Diary,

For my 50th birthday, my husband, the dear, purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep this diary to chart my progress...

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth the effort when I arrived at the health club and found Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God! with blonde hair, dancing blue eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me!!!

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or to stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other useless sh** too!

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes! Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars in to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine, which I promptly sank!

Friday: I hate that son-of-a b**** Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it! Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!!! And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me the %&$#&%&# barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich! (which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude!)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach of the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrill voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *&$%^$& weather channel!!!

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun---- like a root canal or hysterectomy.

  GFN

[Anonymous]

How ya doin' these days, October?

Things going ok?

Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling a bit better.

GFN

[October]

How ya doin' these days, October?

Things going ok?

Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling a bit better.

GFN

Still alive.  

Recovering bit by bit, but became too visible here so had to hide for a while.  Deleted some posts too.  Always a sign that I am not comfortable.  

Thanks for being there.  And thanks for the jokes - I think we need a new jokes thread, just for fun.  

[Anonymous]

Hi October, about being too visible and hiding. Want to talk about what you are afraid of? Is your fear realistic, or a phobia, unrealistic anxiety?

You are anonymous here. I don't know who you are.

The likelihood of your being 'tracked' over the internet is tiny.

Unless you're talking about illegal activities, it's highly unlikely that anyone would want to identify you. So - want to talk about it? What's the problem?

[Anonymous]

GFN:

I can only sort of chuckle at your "personal trainer" experiences.  I work part time for a gym.......and I am by no means in shape........however just seeing all those folks sweating and grunting makes me so very tired.  LOL

I view a treadmill as a torture device.  However that is the only way I can keep my metabolism up.  Your metabolism really takes a dive after fifty.  I think I can eat a bowel of cereal  and gain 5 lbs.    Patz

[Anonymous]

Hiya October:

Recovering bit by bit...

 I'm so glad.  I was just hoping to hear that.  I have a saying.......I like it when life is boring because that means nothing bad is happening.

Now I can add....and it gives me time to...recover...bit by bit.

Ya.  That's one of the things I like about being a guest.  I can't delete my posts.  Once I write it.....that's it......it's there to stay.  Makes me feel more like it is in real life because that's the way it works in the real world.  I do understand that there might be stuff a person might decide to delete, for a number of reasons, and so it's a good thing to be able to do that.  I guess there are benefits to both being a guest or a board member eh?

Yes....a joke thread.  That's a good idea!  Do you want to start it?  I'll contribute.....when possible.  Someone put it....laughing is a similar release (and equally effective) as crying (I'm sure those are not the words the person used...but that's the idea).  That makes a lot of sense to me.  And so does a joke thread...which could give us all a good laugh, once in awhile.  Hey.....it could be called:  "Therapeautic Jokes".    

Or something.......

Anyhow.....I'm glad to hear from you and am here any time you wanna yack (heehee---some words just make me giggle ).

So long as you're not there feeling all alone and that no one gives a hoot......because that's far from the truth!

((((((((((October)))))))))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

GFN,

Hey......did you end up selling the bulldozer to the Amish?  

I have my own mini excavator. And I ain't sellin' it to nobody!!!  Dug myself 9 gardens last year and holes for 47 trees. The thing is better than a crew of grave diggers! (which I won't need....now that I have my own mini excavator).

My H has an R2 and a couple of D2's (anitques), not restored....yet.

What will you do without your bulldozer?

I am in the process of trying to arrange transportation back to Ohio for the Cat. It weighs a little over twenty tons, so I have to get two different trucks to move it.
I have a friend who will let me use his bulldozer. The next job I have is pretty rocky so I am planning on buying a piece of equipment called a skidder, which is essentially a rubber tired bulldozer. Steep ground, big rocks and metal tracks are not a recipe for good health, if you know what I mean.
You run your own equipment? You sound like a real Renaissance woman.
Thanks for the      

October,

Recovering bit by bit, but became too visible here so had to hide for a while. Deleted some posts too. Always a sign that I am not comfortable.

I hope nothing any of us said, especially big dumb me, made you feel uncomfortable. And just to let you know, if you hide you are missed. I think we're all recovering bit by bit. Let's keep doing it together.
God bless.

mudpuppy

[October]

Hi October, about being too visible and hiding. Want to talk about what you are afraid of? Is your fear realistic, or a phobia, unrealistic anxiety?

You are anonymous here. I don't know who you are.

The likelihood of your being 'tracked' over the internet is tiny.

Unless you're talking about illegal activities, it's highly unlikely that anyone would want to identify you. So - want to talk about it? What's the problem?

Nobody is tracking me.  I have social phobia - fear of people.  And specifically, fear of anger directed towards me.  So when I get too visible I hide, so nobody can find me and take their anger out on me.  No prizes for guessing when that one started!!  

This is only a realistic fear if you take into account what I have to lose, and the amount of anger I have had to take over the years, and which I still seem to end up absorbing.  My family is not good at managing anger.  It simmers away until it explodes, and generally whoever is in the way gets it.  Sometimes me.  Sometimes others (The children.  My nephews in particular.)

Tonight, passive aggression from ex fil.  Rang to see how ex is doing.  Very cold response.  Back to the denial, and the blaming me for everything.  Trying hard to see this is their problem, and nothing to do with me.  However, I was very depressed before then - lots of things seem rather overwhelming at present - so it is not their fault.  Just one more thing.

Went to see my cousin yesterday to talk, and we were doing fine until we mentioned my mum.  Although this cousin is very sensible in many ways, and even has a degree in psychology, she could not admit that my Nmum does not love me; that was a step too far for her to go, and she backed away from the thought.  So I did too, for her sake.  But if that is love, it is a very strange kind of love.  It is bizarre to see how everyone around my mother has to twist reality in some way, rather than admit the appalling, terrible, unspeakable truth.

However, we (daughter and I) are still here.  There has to be a way through all of this to wherever we are going.

[October]

Hiya October:

So long as you're not there feeling all alone and that no one gives a hoot......because that's far from the truth!

((((((((((October)))))))))))

GFN

Just realised why I am feeling so bad tonight.  The dissociation is wearing off, and is leaving depression behind it.  Very bad stuff.

So as long as I know that, I can ride it out.  Or if it gets too bad I can see the GP.  But it would have to be very bad for that - I hate doctors!!  

[October]

I hope nothing any of us said, especially big dumb me, made you feel uncomfortable. And just to let you know, if you hide you are missed. I think we're all recovering bit by bit. Let's keep doing it together.
God bless.

mudpuppy

No, darling.  None of you said anything wrong.  You are all part of the solution, not part of the problem.  

I just have to recognise that I am not the problem, when it feels as if I am.     I too am the solution.