Parent Trouble

[ian209]

Ever since i was around 5 years old -right now im 13-, my parents had a hard time getting along with eachother. They always get into arguments and fights. Sometimes it gets sooo serious that one of my parents run away the house. Just a year ago, my mom and dad had a huge argument that they should divorce. My dad didn't want to talk about divorcing so he ignored my mom. Finally, my mom pushed my dad too far so he said F*** off and he ran away from the house. My mom grieved for the whole night... i was too tired from crying so i fell asleep. Next morning, i woke up at 8:00am and went up to check on my mom. I noticed a wierd scent as i got closer to the kitchen. Finally, when i reached there, the scent was so strong, it made me want to throw up. I looked around to see what it was coming from and I saw it... It was a 1.73mL bottle of red wine!! Finally at 9:30 or so, she woke up. Her face was all red and her eyes were swollen from crying. She sat on a sofa in the living room and made a phone-call to my dad's oldest sister(Who lives all the way in China). I couldn't help it so I had to eavsdrop. I went downstairs, picked-up the telephone and covered the "microphone" of the phone. I held it up to my ear and eavsdropped. The conversation went something like this (The conversation was actually in chinese):
My Mom:**sniffle** Your brother ran away...
My Aunt:**sigh** Ok... stop crying and tell me exactly what happened.
My Mom:**sniffle** I was just asking him if he even liked me all these years and... and... **Crying** Heee Raannn A-A-Awayy!!!**Louder Crying**
My Aunt:**sigh** You know that my brother likes to keep his feelings to himself. You should know better than to ask him these questions.
My Mom:**sniffle** I didn't do anything wrong by asking him.
My Aunt: Everybody does something rong in every situation... You did do something wrong but won't admit it. Tell me, did you ask him that question more than once?
My mom: Yes but...
My aunt:... Exactly. Next time you want to ask him a question, only ask once. You know he is very short tempered.
My mom:We have been together for 20 years now. I don't even think he likes me one bit..
My aunt: See... you are always judging other people when you don't know them. In my opinion, I think he loves you but he doesn't want too admit it just like the way you don't want to admit that you are not always right.
My mom:Ya but...
(The conversation ends here due to lost of connection or something)

After that fatefull call, my mom decide that living in agony was useless so she took out a can of oil and a lighter... She then pour the oil all over the floor. Suddently, the door opens and my someone walks up the stairs. I was so glad to see my dad's face again. My mom was just about to light the oil when my dad ran, slipped and felt into my mom which prevented her from lighting the oil.. Afterwards the decided to get back with eachother even thought they didn't really like eachother.

THE END

So i was wondering... is there anyway i can prevent a situation like this to occur again? Thanks SOOO much in advance!!

[sleepyhead]

Oh, Ian... I feel so sorry for you, no child should have to live with something like this ! I wish I could wave a magic wand and take all your troubles away, but I can't. Do you have ANY grownup you can talk to? A relative, a teacher you trust, or someone else? More importantly, is there anywhere you can go? When I had trouble with my mother as a teen (not nearly as bad as your trouble though) I was able to live with friends and their families for a few weeks, until things calmed down. Your mother is obviously a very dangerous person (setting the house on fire while you are in it?!), but I didn't get if you tried to talk to your father about the situation. Obviously he is damaged in some way from living with your mother, but I didn't get enough info from your post to see if he is also damaging to you (in other ways than staying with her and subjecting you to this hell), but if you talk to him he might be able to do for you, what he can't do for himself. I wish that I could take you in, but since I live in the UK, that's just not practical. You will get support on this board though, and help from those who are older, wiser and more experienced than me. Also, there are support groups such as Al-anon for families of alcoholics (don't know if your mother is one, but sounds like it for drinking that much and not passing out).

Hang in there, I am really worried about you, your situation is awful and nobody should have to go through what you have gone through. Please keep posting so that I/we know how you are doing! And take care of yourself!

((((((Ian))))))

[sleepyhead]

Sorry, was so worried about you that I completely lost my judgement

I wish that I could take you in, but since I live in the UK, that's just not practical.

DO NOT accept this kind of offer from any stranger, not even someone on this board; it is hard to believe, but your situation could actually get worse. Take care of yourself!

[Portia]

Hi Ian. What can you do?

Tell other people. Don't keep secrets about this. Have you talked to your mother or father about what happened? (Just asking, not suggesting you do.)

I'm not sure what country you're in, what support/help you might have, what actions might be appropriate. Are you in the US? (If telling us your country might identify you on your computer, don't say.)

IF anything like this happens again, where any of you are in physical danger - can you call the police? Or get a neighbour?

You're too young to handle this on your own, you need adult help in these situations, okay?

Are things okay now?

[Anonymous]

Ian

I would suggest that if you need someone to talk to that you turn to a counselor in your school or maybe a teacher.  

I think you are too young to be surfing message boards.

Keep reminding yourself that what happens between your parents is between them is no reflection on you.  It sounds like your parents have a lot issues that need to worked on.  You are still a child and need to be focusing on your life and not worrying about how to *fix* your parent's relationship.  

Go to your Mom and let her know how upset you are.  Also, tell her that you have been posting online.  I'm sure she wouldn't want you doing this....I know I wouldn't want my kids doing it.

Please seek out an adult's help in your community.

Best wishes.
mia

[Anonymous]

Hello Ian, if you want to talk some more please do.

I don't know what else to say to help you - other than get help from other adults you can trust.

[bunny]

Ian,

If your mother ever comes close to setting the house on fire, call 911 immediately!!!

Is there a teacher, minister, or some adult you can talk to?

bunny

[mum]

Ian:
1) Please talk to someone "real" in  your life.  This message board cannot do anything physical to help your situation.  Try a counselor, neighbor, older friend?

2) I agree that you are too young to be using message boards, however, I understand your need to do so... again, tell an adult what has happened.

3) I will not take sides on which parent is right, which is wrong, who did what first that led to what.... what your mother did was very dangerous, but no one can know why she felt such desperation.  I don't know, and you probably don't either....nor should you have to know.  They are both your parents, you have a right to love them both and be loved by them both.

4) Nothing is your fault or your responsibility.  You are allowed to be 13, have your own life, and your parents are the ones who need to take care of YOU, not the other way around.   It's NOT YOUR problem to figure out.  TELL someone, get some other grown up to deal with it.  

5)If you really want to "do something to prevent this type of thing from happening"....FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY, go back to number one again. Please do it.  You are in a sad situation that has nothing to do with you.  Continue to love your parents, however faulted, but protect yourself now.

[Anonymous]

Hi Ian:

The last thing you probably want to hear again is that you are not old enough to be posting on public bulletin boards, so I won't say that.

The thing is.......I think what the people here are really wanting you to understand.....is that it is important for you to speak with an adult that you trust (or one you think you can trust--at any rate--such as those mum listed and maybe even a friend's parent...if that might be a help??)

The problem with public message boards is that there are some people who are interested in serving their own needs.....not yours.  No one wants to see your situation become worse and that could happen if you run into someone who likes to take advantage of other people's vunerablilty (and right now....I think you are scared, confused, need someone to talk to, maybe a bit worried, upset, etc..and all of that makes you vunerable...like a mouse with a broken leg....to a cat!!!).

So please, Ian, do find an adult in the real world (not the cyber world) to speak with about all of this stuff.  It will help you more to have a safe person to contact, if you ever have to in the future.

If your mom does have a drinking problem....there is a group called:

Alanon (and they can tell you if there are any Alateen groups in your area).  These are groups for the friends and family of alcoholics.  All of these can usually be found by contacting AA or Alcoholic's Annonymous (look in the phone book for them).

Best of luck Ian and I hope things go much better for you from now on.

GFN

[katsy1t]

Ian, I've been an mentor to kids in very bad situations.  My suggestion - - find a trusted adult (an aunt, an uncle, a preacher, - a teacher) and work ahead of time a place where you can take a time-out from your parents.

Tell someone!  

There are so many things that can be said, but the above is something you can do right away.

[Stormchild]

Hello Ian

I'm just adding my yes to all the good advice already here.

Oh, I'm so sorry you are having to go through these things, I'm so sorry your parents are too.

As others have said, be very very careful about message boards. This one is truly unusual, but even it may not be totally safe for someone young (because even though good people are using it, bad people can read it too).

Now that doesn't mean you should not keep us informed about how you are doing, I'm sure we all want to know. But be careful about giving away information that would make it possible for someone to find you, find your home, know who your parents are.

Do find a safe adult to talk to, and try to arrange a safe place to go to as katsy1t suggests. Safe family may be best, or if you have school friends with good safe parents, or a teacher may be able to help you.

Also please don't give up if the first person you talk to doesn't seem to understand. Not all adults do. Thank them, and try another person you think will be safe. Try not to feel too hurt if this happens. You might want to talk to two or three safe adults, it isn't a bad idea for more than one person to know your situation, as long as they can be trusted.

(((Ian))) I'll be thinking of you with care and concern and love. God bless you, younger brother.

Stormchild