Anyone else having a poopy day?

[(Dre)]

I am having a bad day. I am having a bad week. I am going thru an emotional whirlwind on top of PMS. I don't want to get out of bed this week. I don't want to talk to family or friends. I feel bitter, angry, and could throw a cupboard full of glasses against the wall today. I wish I had signed up for kickboxing at the gym.

I know I am better off without the idiot, but why am I so sad? I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel like an even bigger loser without him than with him. I gained 5 lbs back I fought hard to lose. I started smoking again. I haven't been to the gym in over a week?

Why is this happening now? A delayed reaction?

[Stormchild Guesting]

Hi Dre

I can relate... and I'm glad that even though you dont want to talk to anybody you came here to talk to us.

It comes in waves. October and mum --I think -- were talking about this - how anger or grief aren't just a one time thing, they recur and recur, things trigger them again and again, so the best way to tell if you are healing is if the feelings are less intense or don't last as long.

Don't expect them to diminish this soon.

Plus there is a bug going around and a lot of people where I live don't get sick enough to take off work, but get really cranky and bent out of shape for several days, so if that's happening to you on top of this, you'll have your hands full. Baby yourself a little; you can go to the gym next week.

(((Dre))) hope this helps, it's meant to, ignore it if it doesn't, but know you're not alone and folks noticed your post...

[mum]

Dre: I'm sorry your day is stinking!  I'm not having a poopy day, but I certainly have had them...and most likely will again.  It is true, that how long it lasts does change.  I have learned that pain will never be GONE as long as we are alive....but hanging on to it truely is optional.  
I'm working on making pain as useful to me as possible, and dumping it when I have figured it out what it is trying to tell me, or when I just get sick of it!  Sometimes I just can't figure out why I feel bad....  I told my sister the other day, that I though not giving a sh** has great merit.  And I am finding, that not trying to figure things out may be THE way out....at least I'm willing to try not trying (I'm tired).
Give yourself a break...go ahead and be mad.  Feel it entirely.  And when you are done doing it....you'll move on.  It's ok.  Everyday is not going to be like this one.

[chutzbagirl - reply]

Hi Dre,

I'm sorry you are having a bad day.  Grief is incredibly powerful.  I picture grief as a wave.  At first, when the grief is intense, it feels like the wave slams into me and knocks me off my feet.  Functioning as a "normal" human can feel overwhelming.  But, after a while, the waves roll in and I can stand.  I'm sure you've heard that holidays can be very tough for a while.  I just experienced a painful wave of grief on my N Mom's birthday.  

I read a great book on grief called, "Life is Hello Life is Goodbye".  Acutally, I get all the help I can get, 12 steps, counseling - whatever it takes.  I've got kids and want to give them as healthy a foundation as possible.  Besides, I believe that after this season is over life will actually start to feel good on a pretty regular basis.  Imagine that

Here's the lesson I learned from this past wave of grief - take what you like and leave the rest - I learned that I'm not bad just because I'm in pain.  My pain is trying to tell me something and I need to listen and learn.  I'm much too impatient with myself to "get over it".  I"ll always be a mixed bag and that's alright.  

I wish you the best.  Take good care of yourself - you deserve it!

[sleepyhead]

Like the others have said here, it goes in cycles. Some days are hell, some are ok, and hopefully some are heaven. Be proud of your strength in leaving him. Have sympathy for yourself in missing him. Come here to vent. Find your own ways to feel better, wether it's reading a good book, investing in a punching bag or doing a picture-search on google on the word kitten. Hope you feel better soon, take care and now that we are here and listening.

[Brigid]

(dre),
Like all the others have said, this grief process stinks, but you must get through it to heal.  The analogy of waves is the best I think.  Initially it feels like you've been hit by a Tsumani with a ton of destruction and many months of reconstruction.  Over time those waves get smaller and smaller and the destruction and reconstruction is minimal.

Allow yourself to feel it.  Don't try to cover it up or ignore it as that will just prolong the process.  Its OK to hurt, have bad days, feel sorry for yourself and all the rest.  It will get better.  You will want to get back to the gym, quit smoking again and lose those lbs if that's important to you.  Eventually the control he has will shift back to you and you will start making decisions based on what you want, not what he would have wanted.

We're here for you so come and chat whenever the mood strikes.  Think of the most fun or decadent thing you can do for yourself and indulge.  You deserve it.

Brigid

[longtire]

(Dre), great built in hug!  I agree with Brigid.  I'm grateful that I have waves in my life now.  That means there will be sometimes when the water pulls back and I can move and "breathe."  For a lot of my life, there was just a neverending flood of water, always over my head.  So, this seems like progress to me.  I still have a really, really hard time remembering that when the water goes over my head again.  It gets a tiny bit better each time it happens, though.  Posting here and getting support helps a lot.  Hang in there.

[Cadbury]

Dre - I can imagine what you're going through. I still have days where I cry for my ex. The thing I try and remember is that I am not grieving the man he was, but the man I thought he was. That makes a huge difference. I also try telling myself that there are other men out there that have all the good bits (the bits that make you cry when it hurts so much to miss them) but don't have all the bad bits. I literally have  a list on my wall of bad things he did so that I can remember how bad he used to make me feel. All you can do is try the same things (or a version of which work for you) and day by day it gets a little easier. Or at least a little more distant.

Just focus on yourself and getting through this. Poopy days will happen, but they wll happen less. You will heal. Good luck and hugs to you!

[Lara]

Dear Dre,
I'm sending you a big hug.  Have faith that you are doing the right thing. It hurts so much, but if you didn't go through the pain now, you would have to go through it at some time in the future,and maybe (altho it's hard to believe) maybe it would be even worse by then.
Be proud of yourself for what you are doing. It is so tough getting out of this kind of relationship, but there you are, battling on through it.You are a strong person.
Keep going;have faith that all things pass,including these feelings.
Be kind to yourself,as if you were your own loving friend.If it helps,post about how you are feeling;there are many people here who are rooting for you.

Sincerely,
Lara.

[mum]

Lara's right, Dre.  It will only get worse.  I look back at the opportunities I missed to save myself....oh boy. And then I remember that I could still be married to him.  uggggh.
Hang in there.  There will be more and more better days.

[Anonymous]

Hi Dre:

I'm sorry too for the poopy way you feel right now but .....at least.....it won't last forever.  It just won't.   And good for you for posting for support because you need it right now and there are many people rooting for ya.

I know I am better off without the idiot, but why am I so sad?

Maybe you're sad because you know you are better off without the idiot?

It's sad to realize he's an idiot.  It's sad to realize that you are better of without him when you really wanted things to be different.  It's sad to let go of what you wanted and it's sad to realize that you have to let it go.

It's also ok to be sad.  You have sustained a loss.  You are entitled to feel that loss.  No matter how crappy the relationship.....the loss of it is still a loss.

Soon the sun will shine for you again.  That's sound so sappy doesn't it?  But it is true.  Soon you will be saying this exact thing to some other poster....someone who is in the same kind of pain you are in now.....someone you will empathize with and want to offer support to.

Lean on us Dre.  It's ok.

GFN

[wildrain]

im sorry about your bad  day..I am having a bad day,bad week,and have been having a bad month!!
Im trying to figure out why im hanging on to something sick,and i have figured out,its making me sick.
I think its hard to let go of what we ""thought"' was real...and we come to see that all there is and has been is pain and distruption in our lives. I think ((this is my opinion) that we may even become addicted to the drama and the pain that comes daliy into our lives by N's.
I myself am still in an on-going realtonship with my N.I seem to get out,only to get back in. he has moments when he is kind,so of course i cling to these momets. (But the coldness,the deatchment,NO intimacy, whatsover,and the constant put downs,the manic times make it feel like im caught in a black hole)
I have known for some time he is an N I found years ago he fit the profile for a commitment Phobbic man,later as i read more and more,i realized he is a classic N. I am broke (he has taken/spent all the money I saved) I work three jobs now to take care of myself and family.(They are NOT his kids,thank God) He has never given me any help at all. I have moved three times and he never once lifted a hand to help me.But would call up screaming if i forgot to pay his phone bill!
I was raised by a N Mother(who i took cxare of,and treated as if she was a small child,when i was a child!)---and the list goes on and on.
I will pray for you. Bad days do turn into good days
Hang on. You have been with someone who is sick and they have made you sick.
He wanted you to feel and be his pain.You have been that.
Be kind to yourself. You gave ,he took This board has been wonderful.  To read or to post.
take care
blue~

[Anonymous]

Dear Blue:

I am very sorry for your having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month and that you are still involved in this bad relationship.  It's so hard to quit, as you say, it becomes like a habit.

Maybe you could start by doing something kind of small and simple?
Maybe take your own words to heart:

Be kind to yourself.

in small ways.

Jeepers!  Working 3 jobs has got to be tough!  Is there a way to spend a little time pampering yourself inbetween somehow?

A warm bubble bath, maybe?  Read a good book?  Write your dreams in a journal?  Spend time with a friend that you enjoy?  Do things you like?

Any little thing that will help you to be kind to yourself?

You are not nearly as sick as you think, I bet.  You are aware of the pain and the fact that you keep getting out and then back into this relationship that isn't working for you.  That is a sign that you are getting better, at least.

To use Dr. Phil's idea:  What is the pay off to staying in this relationship?

Maybe, once you figure that out, you'll be able to substitute the pay off with other pay offs, to yourself, for yourself, to be kind to yourself?  Pay offs that will make your life much happier and healthier?

Keep reading and posting Blue.  It will help you to take those little steps.

(((((((((Blue)))))))))

GFN

[Lara]

Dear Blue,
I believe that altho you haven't been able to break away from this man yet, that day by day you are growing in awareness and in strength.You may not feel this happening, but from my own experience I really know that this takes place, until one day you will find that you have amassed enough strength to do what you need to do.

Trust me on this please;this day will come for you, as it has done for other people here,who believed that they would be 'prisoners' for ever.

Please let us know how you're doing.

Take care,
Sincerely,
Lara.

[wildrain]

Thaks for your replys. I am coming back from work. Tired and this board helps me thorugh another tough day,
I am trying very hard to find time for me
I do take bubble baths. have my pet parrot (who is my best crying buddy!) and i have my daughter.
 Last night N sent me an e-mail me (because he knows i am distancing myself) and tells me he will bring me a very nice lunch at work,especially for me... ..so i pospone my  usall time spot and guess what when i call him... (because i do not hear from him ) he is on the phone (for two hours) with his friend! He then says ..well i cant bring lunch now im on the phone!!! Then  hangs up in my ear! If i were to say what happen to lunch. He would say i was being too demading and he never said he was bringing my lunch in the first place!!
I ask myself "when will you learn?"
I feel that the main reason i am hanging on is because of the time,money and energy i have put into this relationsip (he has put in zero) though if you were to ask him what he has put in , he will say "MY time"...
I want to say thank you for all your help. I cannot tell anyone what is going on ebcxause they do nto beleive it..they see him as someone kind,outgoing and i am the one that has the "problems"
Its scary how well they can carry all this off. After all i beleived it ....
I do have a question. Do N's have issues wiht spending tons of money??
He always wants me to buy him gifts and will spend hours looking on EBay for things (any thing..but it is usally stuff that is always costly) He will ask me to stay in the room (he calls this "intimacy) while he hunts for stuff. Im so tired of it. But  when i try to leave he keeps telling me to stay...He will ask to buy stupid stuff like boats,and busses and castles (im serious here) He is serious! He says "we can make money doing this" I have all ready lost all my money through his "buisnes" dealings. He owed his brother tons of money (I did not know this until recently) and has never paid a dime back or even tried too His brohter was suppose to be investing in his business,which did make money but he still did not pay him anything back,then the whole thing went bust)
We never never hold each other,touch each others hands etc and if i want to kiss him i have to ask him He recoils as if it is torture for him. Sex has always been regulated by him..and he says things like ""Im trying to "drain" him??" ..has anyone gone though this? Is this part of what N's do??
I have been around N's all my life(my mom and an abusive father).But have never dated or ben in a realionship with an N
..I wonder if i will ever get free ~
thanks again..
blue~