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STEALTH RADAR: Was that Nism I just experienced?

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Acappella:
Ive read Nism described as stealth abuse.

Well only if we don't see it coming......

The article (see link in next paragraph) seems to me an excellent tool for detecting some Nism tactics that took me too long to see as patterns.

http://www.ippnj.org/mcwilliams1.html

It is a long read so here is a summary/cliff note version:

(The article does not number basic traits, 1-5, as I have here but instead numbers the subcategories of the last two)

1) Reluctance to Choose (Ah, the elusive passive aspects of Nism)  

2) Criticism - (My note: Seems the criticism is often criticism for having emotions or needs and when about shortcomings the shortcomings are never about a lack thereof.  But of course the N tells of their own fears and value system via their criticism.)

3) Avoidance of Bragging.  (Paradoxical? Read on.)

4) The Inability to Apologize (At least 5 permutations are outlined and detailed.)

5)The inability to thank (4 variations on the theme here!)

This article was posted on http://groups.msn.com/Npartners    (site Alan passed along to me - thanks Alan) subject: "Terrific article"

rosencrantz:
This is an absolutely brilliant article.  Heavy going but worth the effort.  Thanks ECHO.

The authors point out that for healthy interaction, we all need to apologise and to express gratitude. Those of us with narcissitic tendencies will find these things difficult because they imply need (if we thank someone then a need must have been met) or imperfection (if we have to apologise for something).

My husband and I became aware a long time ago that I don't say 'sorry' enough and he doesn't say 'thank you' enough.  And the sorrys and thank yous are often flagged up as demands on the other person rather than truly reparative.

This article explains it all!!!

After I gave it to my husband to read, we actually had a laugh about it.  And I think it's been a VERY long time since we laughed.  We sat down and chatted about it some more - and LAUGHED some more!!  It's been a wonderful morning.  It was the first time one of these chats didn't end up in a mournful, frustrating standoff/stalemate.

It's a useful article for looking at the unhealthy narcissism in ourselves as well as those moments when the true narcissists in our lives leave us speechless and confused.  You'll be able to articulate the bruising much more easily after reading this - tho I suspect there's little point in articulating it to an out-and-out N because their need for grandiosity and perfection is too overwhelming.

It's a long article so get plenty of paper in your printer.  I had to print it out landscape not portrait.

guest:
It's nightsong here - I can't log in as me.

This was so helpful to me, well worth the effort of reading. I loved the emphasis on how Narcissism is exhibited through subtle, everyday behaviours, and all the examples given. It was so easy to relate this to the Ns in my life! I felt a rising tide of frustration as I imagined them saying these very things. I'm going to share this with my partner. Thanks Echo.

Simon46:
I also read the article and it was quite good. Thanks you Echo for posting this link.

seeker:
Hello everybody,

This was a great article (oops, an evaluation there).  I have often pondered the lack of apologies and thank you's (and sincerity) in interaction with Ns.  I was even going to ask you all about some people's reaction to compliments.  This context did not appear in this article, but I want to see what you all think:

Have you ever sincerely complimented someone, or wanted to say something nice to make someone feel good, then get a response that is basically some version of "who are you to think you could evaluate me in any way, good or bad?"  "who are you to have an opinion?"  The best example I can think of right now is, after hearing a compliment, an N will reply "I'm glad that YOU think so..."  I think they truly believe a compliment is either a) a condescending put-down (as described in the article) and/or b) an evaluation.  We non-Ns are disqualified from providing any of this.  Another version of a twisted interaction is "Thank you," reply: "I'm just doing my job."  Can you just say "You're welcome"?

Regarding apologies:

One kindergarten teacher would go nuts over insincere apologies.  Instead of demanding apologies on behalf of the injured party, she would ask the perpetrator, "what can you do to make it better".   True, it is a form of "undoing" but it's better than "Sorry!"  (not!)  

I was also gratified to read about the "explanation" vs. apology.  This happens a lot on the playground.  One supervisor explained a little boy's problem to me after this boy knocked down my daughter.  My reaction was "that doesn't mean it didn't hurt!"  

Well, thanks  :D for listening!  cheers, S

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