how do move away from this?

[Lara]

Dear Forward bound and Everyone,
I too can identify with so much of what you say. Altho these exes of ours perceive themselves as doing so much 'work' in the relationship,the reality is that we were the ones who were running around, obsessed with making things comfortable for them, and (if you were like me) doing anything to avoid being subject to their disapproval or rejection.

Forwardbound, you wrote about how your perception was distorted, and again I think you've hit the nail right on the head.I can't believe how I thought that ANYTHING my ex did was just fine;it wasn't even a case of finding excuses for his behaviour...as in my eyes,nothing he did could be wrong, there was nothing to excuse.

I like Guest from Afar's suggestion of gently testing out new friends by seeing if they will agree to your choice of restaurant, for example.(Altho on the other hand,when I first met him I think my ex would have gone along with any suggestion I made. It was later when I started to stand up for myself,and my sanity, that I met with coldness and indifference from him;especially if my requests were inconvenient because he was wooing his new girlfriend,while telling me that he was not interested in her.)

Forward bound, you are making progress.It hurts I know;we have to remember that to get over it we have to go through it.

Stay strong,
Sincerely,
Lara.

[mum]

Okay, These N guys are all the same... really.  Foreward bound: just get out.  I was the ONLY person in my exN's life who ever called him on his behavoir.  Others who tried were destroyed or shut out by him.  He can't do that to me because I am the mother of his children (or "his belongings").  So he is hell bent on destroying me.  

To which I say: "Go for it, Sparky!!"  Someone on another thread described her N as a bratty kid who throws temper tantrums.  That's it entirely.
And what do we do when our toddlers do that?  We ignore ithe tantrum and it loses power, or as ( I think October may have said somewhere) let's out N them.  I am currently trying this with my exN brat, and I don't know what it has done for him, but it sure as heck has me feeling better!!!

[Anonymous]

So he is hell bent on destroying me.

Oh, I can so relate.

Mia

[Andrea]

What I meant by that in my previous post is.....that I think that when dealing with my partner, I tried to adjust to what I thought I needed to be in order to fit the relationship and keep it going. At one time, he put up such a good front, the reality of what's happening at the present just isn't what your'e basing the relationship on.

***I did this also. I've tried to be all I can be what my N wanted me to be. Lose weight, dress different, try new sexual escapades, don't be friends with this person, be here at this time, go there at this time, do this for me, cook this for me, help me study for school, help me type my papers till 3 am.....I was NOT living for ME. I lived for HIM dammit.

Now he's gone. And I have to clean up the emotional mess he left me in. Maybe if I was skinnier? Or sexier? I shouldn't have said this...or done that. Do you think he's sitting around wondering why things didn't work out. I bet he could care less. He's probably already planning what he's going to do to the next girl he meets.
He's already been talking about all the "Sex toys" he wants to purchase when he finds a "new partner". Makes me want to vomit, seriously.

[vunil]

He's already been talking about all the "Sex toys" he wants to purchase when he finds a "new partner". Makes me want to vomit, seriously.

Oh, god, ick.

Forward, it's funny, in my late-night haze reading your post I thought "hey, she is with X (my ex-boyfriend)!"  It was the strongest feeling (projection).  They sure are all alike.

A year ago he visited me to go to an event he was going to anyway (of course).   I will never forget the feeling when he left.  It was if I could breathe again.  Suddenly I got to have my own opinions, my own desires, my own quiet time (he just uses me up somehow with all of his neediness and how utterly confusing he is).

I think this is a great sign that you are in the presence of a narcissist, if deep-down, below the guilt and longing and attraction and whatever, you are really relieved not to have to deal with him.   If you feel on firmer ground when he's not there.

I would recommend books, like Sandy Hotchkiss's book, to help you really be sure that your judgment is correct (it absolutely is).

As for the memories of the beginning, I can really relate to that. But remember that he was playing a role. They all do that.  He did it with past girlfriends, and he will do it with future ones.  It feels hurtful to realize this until you really take the blame and plop it squarely on his shoulders.  It isn't hurtful that you got fooled by a faker-- it just means you were unlucky to come into contact with him.  Anyone would react like you did.

The key is not to do it again.  I can't say I was great at that, narcissist-hopper as I was, but joining this board will help!  Another thing that would help would be to cop to the things you like about this bad relationship-- do you like the false excitement of it?  The chance to win someone over who seems distant?

[Anonymous]

Hello All:

It is very hard to do a reality check when you are in a N relationship.  You have lived with the distorted thinking of an N for such a period of time that  you ACUTALLY think that black is white.  I realized after getting out of the relationship that I had a hard time with my judgements because I did not believe my OWN reality.  The control is such with N's that you have no opportunity to think for yourself.  Thinking for yourself is a perilous thing for you to do, emotionally and maybe physically.

It is only through constant testing of that validity that I was able to "undo" all the brainwashing.  Patz

[Lara]

Good morning everyone.

Patz, you must have read my mind! The thought going round my head this morning was the fear that I am actually just trying to convince myself that there was/is something wrong with my ex, so that my ego does not have to suffer the unvarnished truth that perhaps he was just an ordinary guy who preferred another woman to me? Is this crazy of me? I know that from what I post here, he does sound pretty weird, but all the same...

Connected to that thought perhaps,thank you Vunil for your observation about the sense of relief we feel when we are out of contact with these people. This is exactly what happened to me. Towards the end of my r/ship with the ex, I was admitted to hospital for a physical problem, and I could not speak to my ex for several days. After leaving hospital, I remember having a really clear mental picture of myself  voluntarily stepping back into a cage as I reached for the phone to re-establish contact. I knew that by doing that my week of peace was about to be ended, and that my thoughts would be scrambled again.

Sincerely,
Lara.

[Anonymous]

Laura:

I am going to mirror back what you told me: "that he perfers another woman than me" "that he perfers another woman than me"......."maybe that sounds weird", "maybe that sounds weird".  Does it sound and look weird Laura?  What if you "perferred another man" other than the N, would that be weird?  What is your loyalty compared to his?  Therein lies the truth of the matter and to ignore the answer will relegate you to a life of torment.  You cannot contort yourself to this persons reality in order to stay.  Are you really willing to continue to let this N strum your life like a cheap guitar?  Continue to listen to this music and you will never hear the beautiful symphonies in life.  

There are much worse things in life than being alone.  Living with an N is one of them.  Much love Patz

[vunil]

It is very hard to do a reality check when you are in a N relationship. You have lived with the distorted thinking of an N for such a period of time that you ACUTALLY think that black is white. I realized after getting out of the relationship that I had a hard time with my judgements because I did not believe my OWN reality. The control is such with N's that you have no opportunity to think for yourself. Thinking for yourself is a perilous thing for you to do, emotionally and maybe physically.

Hi, Patz--

I really agree with you, and have definitely been there. I do think, though, that people who (1) didn't grow up in a household with N tendencies, and/or (2) don't have any needs that are met by this kind of disfunctional relationship, are able to just walk away, or never to get involved in the first place.  That's what we're all aiming to get to, I guess!

Awhile ago on another thread I posted a story of watching an N exboyfriend at the gym (he didn't  see me-- his back was to me).  He was flirting with a woman and she was rolling her eyes, completely uninterested.  I had always found him fascinating.  It was really a great lesson for me to see that people see through him, and see through him early.  It meant maybe someday I could.

(actually, later I met her and we had a laugh at the coincidence-- and she confirmed that she had found him a ridiculous egoist from the get-go).

[Lara]

Dear Patz,
Thank you for your kind and speedy reply. I agree totally with you that I am better off living alone, and I'm thankful that I don't have to maintain any contact with my ex because of children.
I don't know if you're confusing me with another poster, but when you wrote about me 'contorting myself to another person's reality in order to stay' I was a bit confused because I have not been with this guy for a year.I broke off the r/ship a year ago and I have ignored his subsequent attempts to contact me.
My current problem is therefore, as you said in your previous post,how to 'undo the brainwashing' and accept what seems to be the truth about him. I am happy with my life at the moment,and feel free as I have said,but I need to come to terms with my memories of him.I am getting stronger and more detached, but still feel that I was damaged by the involvement I had with him.How do I learn to believe my new analysis of what was going on?

Sincerely,

Lara.

[vunil]

Forward, how are you doing?

[forwardbound]

vunil,

I'm doing pretty well and thanks for asking. I was just reading some of the newer posts here, and it amazes me how similarly we've all been affected by our N's.

Getting past the memories is a difficult thing to do, especially when you base your perception of the N's on the things you hoped they were and once pretended to be, not who they really are. It's been 2 mos. since we broke up again and  more than a month since I've had contact with my N, and it's both a good feeling, and at the same time, the pull of him is still there. Just keeping my head about it and constantly reminding myself of what kind of person he really is, is what gets me by. I sit here  and literally shake my head sometimes in disbelief of how I got here and why I've fought for so long to keep this person in my life. Honestly, this is not my idea of what a relationship should be, but always hoping to gain back what seemed to be there in the beginning, and winning his love, was always my motive I guess.

I hope it's done. I'm still hurt by this, but I'm no longer a complete wreck. My perception of him is slowly changing....not quick enough though...lol.