Hello again everyone. Previously, I posted a topic on self-acceptance, and I feel I didn't convey my point very well. So I'll try again this time. I hope you don't mind, but this post will be a long one. It may also be a little bit windy. I apologize.
For as long as I can remember, I struggle with self-perception. This struggle I have has affected every aspect of my life. I feel it has robbed me of the many wonderful things life has to offer( the ability to develop meaningful relationships, participating in fulfilling social events, etc), and it has left me feeling weak and empty. As if it has depleted my bank account of an enriching life. I think I can identify the culprit, but don't know thow to get rid of it. The surge of self-doubt, I think comes about b/c I have little self-belief. And this lack of believing in myself leaves me feeling needy of ppl's approval for validation, and leaves me psychologically weak. I think this state of mind stems from my unconscious thinking that I'm not good enough, or that I'm doing something wrong. I conclude that my struggle lies within my sense of being either right or wrong. When I feel I'm right with my thoughts, then I feel very resolute and confident. Or if I have a sure sense that someone was treating me wrongly, then I'm not shy to express myself. My problem is, I usually don't immediately think I'm right for who what I think, usually I think there's somthing wrong with me and I somehow allow others to undermine me b/c I first undermine myself by not standing up for myself. That's when I feel like I've lost in the intereaction, which is most of the time. This idea of being right or wrong is not about being closed-minded to others, but it's about me not knowing how to validate myself as to have self-respect, and feeling vakldated even if I don't get validation from others.
I want to convey my thought in a different angle, if you don't mind reading further. I often suffer and struggle with inferiority complex and a deep sense that I'm doing something wrong or that there's something inherently inferior about me. That others are better than me. I especially feel like a shriveled up, inconfident coward when I'm dealing with someone whom I perceive as very confident and sure of themselves. I just melt under such circumstances. And I hate myself for being this way. I get so mad at myself for stooping this low and allowing others to do the same to me. I realize that if I don't respect myself, then inevitably, others will do the same exact thing to me. If I don't believe in myself, then others won't either. For the way others feel about me is a mere reflection of how I feel about myself. I get so mad and frustrated for having this problem. And I feel I'm to blame for how others treat me. For being so afraid that others will be upset with me. When I think less of myself, then it's a sure gaurantee others will think less of me, too. I get so disappointed in myself for letting it happen.
When I have a preconceived notion that the other person is superior to me in confidence, social skills, articulation, ideas, etc, I immediately see myself as inferior to that person, and I cowar in my thoughts of myself and my communication level with that person. I somehow, unconsciously, think that the person is already better than me in ideas and communication, so that person thinks of me as unworthy of their time and recognition. I think to myself that I'm viewed as less in that person's eyes...that I'm no match for them. Therefore, I feel defeated and timid...I feel inferior in ideas and articulation. Consequently, i hesitate to contribute anything in the interaction. Now, I realize my reasoning is probably not realistic, but this is the image I have of the situation. My sense of self starts to grow weak, and I become unsure of myself and my ideas. I start to lose focus of the big picture of the ppl around me and who I am. All b/c I think they are better and I'm worse. That they are the winner and I'm the loser.
Maybe, the reason why I have alway back down and feel weak and timid in front of very self-assured and assertive ppl is b/c I size up ppl all the time. When I see them as bigger and stronger than me (not in stature), than I inadvertantly feel weak and incompetent compare to them. Yeah, I do get scared and intimidated of things I perceive as bigger and stronger than me b/c I feelI cannot win in a battle with them. So I might as well back down from the start. I believe subconsicusly this my thought process. I feel this is why I feel anxiety stricken when I'm around ppl I perceive as better than me. Do I make any sense or is my reasoning wacked???? I also struggle with feeling ashamed of myself and often stricken with guilt. But this is better left for another day.
If you've gotten this far in my letter, I want to thank you so much for reading!!! I'm actually a normal functioning person. I just happen to see some things in a distorted light, like myself, ppl, and the world in which I live
What am I not seeing clearly? What am I not getting about human nature which cause me to see myself and ppl in such a distorted way? I wish I can know how to see myself and the world in which I live in a more realistic, accurate, and clearer way. I think there's a lot of fog in my vision, but don't know how to clear it up.
Can anyone plz help?
