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Voicelessness and Midlife Crises

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JoJo:
Hey Echo -  Thanks for your really long post. You don’t know how good it feels to be in a dialogue with someone who has an understanding of the confusion and complexity of situations like the ones we seem to experience . There have been times when I have thought I must be going mad.  I totally lost sight of what “normal” (functional –or even vaguely functional) behavior should be.

There is a me in the picture –I just didn’t write about it this time. You’re right that crisis aversion/ management has been one of my primary functions for a very long time.  I do have  short term goals for myself.  one of which is to become financially independent.   My therapist was strongly practical too – ( long experience  presumably)  and  advised  me to protect myself financially and legally  not just emotionally. I suppose it was on the basis that it is much easier to heal if you are not pre-occupied with money worries.  It seemed quite calculating – but there was some truth in this  -so if you are serious about your intentions to leave, I don’t know if you are considering this.

I started my own business when I had reached the stage that you seem to be at, where I sensed  that things would never get better and that the only  healthy way forward was to separate. I had hoped that this wouldn’t be the case, but you can see I was starting to  make contingency plans and detaching a little.    I didn’t do this  just for financial reasons  I love my work and  am learning and growing – but it is very time and energy consuming.  My other goal has been to support the children though what have been some pretty crazy experiences which became their normality  I would say that I have a full life,  but I’m not in a place where I am ready for another relationship. They say it takes 3-5 years  to recover and that sounds right. There are times when I am lonely – but it seems a more healthy aloneness. There were times when I was lonely in my relationship and the feelings I get now seem better somehow!.

There are lots of things that I miss about my married life and having an intimate relationship with my ex husband. Although we had some really terrible times , there were some really great ones too. One of the hardest things for me to deal with is loving someone ( whatever that is! – the connection I spoke of)   – but knowing that the relationship not only can’t work as things stand currently– but could  actually be damaging to myself and the kids. I have also wondered about your point – that if a person with N characteristics, just knows that someone loves them  - is that enough of an N supply to keep them going?  My  ex husband does seem to only want a family at his own convenience ,  when it fits in with his calendar and other things in his life . I am no longer as bewildered,  hurt and angered by the fluctuation between engagement and detachment   - I just think this is the same old crazy making behavior .Unfortunately this is my kids normality and has been for a while.

“Has the education etc”  You’re right I don’t know why I said that!  Even the brightest , well educated,  talented person can be driven by their own sub-conscious instincts – addictions and other disorders are pretty unselective about  IQ levels. It takes some understanding to see beyond a successful career, home,  kids, wife, social life  etc , that something underneath is not right and can be rooted in childhood development and experiences.  My husband understands at a rational level that there is “something missing in the fabric of his life, that other people seem to have” – his own words,  but can’t connect the consequences of his behavior with a need to take some personal action. An N trait?   Sounds like.  I have also been told that this may change when he hits rock bottom – but have no idea what his personal  rock  bottom would be – his primary relationships are all troubled, there has been a professional downside and it seems that at 50+ his life is chaotic. He  looks gray and troubled.  Sad, but  not my problem any more.

I  also don’t want to sound as if I have behaved in some sort of saintly way! There have been times when I have been very hurt and angry and have often expressed this in ways that can only fuel situations and contribute to the general  downward spiral. The line between compassion that you spoke of and co-dependency can be very fine.  It was only after seeing a counselor that I started to be learn to step back and watch out for and deal with the triggers that caused my own unconstructive behavior. When you are badly hurting  it is very hard to slip into correct behavior mode.  I’ m getting better – if only by having more limited dealings with the source of the pain..  

You talk about the reasons you want to go – but not why you stay? Do you know why?.


JoJo

Acappella:
Hi JoJo,

"You don’t know how good it feels "  No, I didn't.  Now I am getting familiar with that feeling & the source of clarity & strenth that it affords.  I find it a fine line between just posting a rambling journal entry vs. a lengthy response, dialogue vs monologue - this whole internet posting thing is new to me.  You're welcome for the long post and I am glad it had some value to you.  

The line between co-dependancy and compassion is a thin zig zaggy fuzzy one for me too.

"starting to make contingency plans and detaching a little"  that is the stage I am at.  Sometimes my only attainable goal in a day is to not slip back into the relationship even though we share a tiny house and one car.  

It seemed quite calculating to me too.  You have been with your husband 25 years and that is a quarter of a century!  I imagine in must be very hard for you in many ways.  You'ld have to have a heart of stone not to feel a tug towards the past.  I guess it is like making funeral arrangements - the dealth of a relationship.  The logistics of clean up pale in comparison to the feelings and potential lost.

That is great that you love your work and are growing there.  
 
Your husband may hover above his rock bottom for the rest of his life.  I have seem people do so.  When you love them your instinct is to protect them, assist them some how.  Yet it is like we are heart surgons and they've got a spinal injury.  The best we can do is refer them.  Often they'll seek plastic surgery instead anyway.

Why am I still here?  
When I discovered this whole N thing I did an inventory of past relationships and realized that it only took me 2 decades to graduate from a full-blown raging somatic text book narcissist to the man with N traits I am with now.   I left so many relationships and in retrospect I am so very glad and sort of proud that I did.  And ironically this being the best relationship yet I find it harder to leave.  He has good qualities in a addition to the N stuff.  

I am still here because I do love parts of him (parts - sounds like I am ordering chicken  :(  ). but honestly I don't/cannot love him as a whole person.   I cannot access the "him" he won't show readily and doesn't know, nor value, nor trust himself so I can't actively love him.  He can't love me either, not actively.

Short answer: I am still here in small part due to love (an intimate understanding of another person for whom I have respect & appreciation.).  Mostly I am here due to fear.  I fear being alone.  Something I handled better in my youth. I fear having no other connection in the world so staying with what little connection I have at home.  

Long Rambling Answer:  
I ignored my background for years.  I believe I know now where my fear comes from and still I am not clear on how to over come it.  I've been to therapy and even group therapy for years both of which were helpful.  Now I feel I need social therapy and it doesn't exists except perhaps that what the internet is giving birth to.  (I could probably get it from church however while I feel spiritually connected I don't believe in/relate to a particular version of formalized ritual and religion).

I basically have no family.  I was an only child of parents who isolated & silenced me in a variety of way when I was very young.  Later, they both attempted suicide, not together as that would have required team work.  One "succeeded".  The other failed and blamed it on my finding her.  I lived in foster homes in which for a variety of reasons I was again isolated.  One kept all of us foster kids in the basement and only took disabled children or an "exception" in my case because I was so quiet (my parents trained me well to survive there). In another home, due to my ethnicity, I was made to exist marginally.  Even the staff was prejudice.  I understood what was going on - in some ways that knowledge protected me from taking it too personally.  Also, the isolation was in some ways a good thing - in the second home all of the girls were prostitutes and I was not invited to play dress up and go out at night with them.  I watched them and at first wanted to get made up too and be with them and wear something colorful.  Good thing they excluded me.  I could go on but my point is that the key to my still being with my N husband is mostly residual fear about the world and the isolation I feel.  I've made so much progress but have hit a plateau now.  

In my 20s I looked only at the ground.  It was many years before I realized I did that.  I went to college (although I'd never attended much high school - didn't graduate) without ever asking a single question because I was scared and shy. I went through a time when I sort of turned around like the Elephant Man in the subway (movie reference here) when cornered & realized I was a human being and not the gargole I felt like inside.  I have no problem looking people in the eye now.  I connect easily with so many different sorts of people.  

I turned my experiences into a source of empathy and insight in many ways.  My N husband sort of envies my authenticity and how I can connect without a mask. People open up to me easily.  I don't judge others much at all.  To go to the next level I feel like I need a mentor, social rehabilitation.  I need to get a job. Ironically I worked since age 12 and suported mysself since I was 15. Now I am struggling to choose and pursue work.  

I thought of starting my own business but I am tired of doing things alone.  We rent and I have always carted a container garden with me. This time I said to heck with it and planted a garden right in the ground.  People pass by the garden I planted and just love it.  I sit at my desk and get to watch people of all ages, tired or fueled with youth, men, women etc. enjoy it.   I get excited passing by people's yards and seeing the arrangements.  I have a strong love of nature.

I have to find full-time work that pays.  I am poised to start volunteering with at risk youth a few hours a week though - visited a great program (nothing like when I was kid!), filled out paper work etc.  However, I feel without a support network myself I won't be able to give well to those kids.  I dreamed that by this time I'd have a family and a home.  

Sometimes I wish there was good ole fashion mom therapy - the sort where on a tough day a person (me for now  :D ) could get a hug, some wisdom and a little nurturing.

JoJo:
Hi Echo – I was truly moved by your story. I felt humbled by some of the tough times that you have had and my own experiences at the hands of a self absorbed middle- aged man , pale in comparison.  All I can say to you  is that you seem to be an articulate and intelligent person and I’m sure you have many special qualities.  I  can only ask you to have self belief .  While you are watching your garden grow , ( possible career?)   remind yourself of the things you have not only survived,  but have come through , a better and more insightful person.  That takes some doing – so be proud of that.   By having even a small amount of self insight you are already one step ahead.

One of the advantages of being with a partner with N characteristics is, that as long as your efforts don’t impinge on them, they don’t really notice what you’re doing with your time – because the only people they are really interested in is themselves! So maybe you have the opportunity to set yourself up in paid employment , to do things for yourself and  plan  and secure your own future. Branching out on your own should not be underestimated. I really was well advised,  because it isn’t easy,  which is why so many people settle for less (  or  just compromise in an adult way,   depending on your view point) Your inner child will find it harder to flourish if your chronological adult can't make  the monthly payments.

You are the only one who knows where your line in the sand is. Maybe in the search for personal growth and  employment, your perspective will change anyway and you will bring those changes to your relationship. Then who knows how that will impact the dynamics.  I just wish you all the luck and success.

JoJo

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