ways to cope when you can't disengage

[d's mom]

well.... i guess i am going to live..... (damn).... thanks all.

this might be better on the 'what helps' section... but im going to try it anyway..... ive been poking thru the old threads and reading all different things and seen a lot of viewpoints on anger and feelings and techniques for handling them. people have mentioned some just recently.

we heard about bongo drums.... like that one a lot..

heard about screaming (when alone)...... heard about 'unplugging' or presumably somewhat dissociating or putting up invisible force fields or humming a song in your head to ignore the person or saying to yourself 'they are sick, they cant help it'. yes yes yes.

heard about naming what you are upset about, and releasing it down into the earth and back to its rightful owner. like that one a lot...


my preferred method of dealing with unhealthy people is to not let the door hit them in the ass on the way out.  

when that isnt possible, and i know a lot of times its not, im interested to know,  what have been your coping strategies? viewpoints? opinions?

thanks a lot for any commentary.
d'smama

[mum]

Hey, Anna: got you on the other thread....so mine (that you say you like a lot ) is naming the pain (this S**T stinks!!) and then releasing it to the center of the earth.  It's got an underlying premise to it, though, and it involves an understanding of how energy works, and what your own core beliefs are.  PM me for more, I think folks here are probably sick of this by now.  I believe, for instance, that YOU are going to change YOUR life.

[mum]

hey, d's mom (is Anna ok, too?) I just checked over a few other things on this board....saw you have read Pema Chodron's stuff.  I think you might find a lot of comfort in her book: When Things Fall Apart.  It has helped me a lot.  
I also read what you wrote on the Betty B thread.   I agree, thinking the courts are about right and wrong really set me up for a shock. The legal system, especially family courts, are about anything but that, much of the time.  I understand how hard it is when you think your answers lie with that system. I have decided I can't lose em all, however, so, along with my other healing "tools" will take the "never quit" attitude where legality comes in (and never quit doesn't mean just litigation, I have run out of money to do much more of that....I just mean more in attitude than anything else.)  

An attorney I know (not mine) sent me this when I lost my first case, maybe it will hit a happy thought with you as well:

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit

So, it's a little militaristic, but it speaks of faith nonetheless!

[write]

I wonder if you have bipolar, which will make you feel like you can cope with anything????

[d's mom]

I wonder if you have bipolar, which will make you feel like you can cope with anything????

sigh..... i feel like this is a confession..... im assuming you meant 'cant' cope with anything..... i am diagnosed with major depression, medicated for 6 years. been off meds for a year now and doing fine with that. i was 'super sensitive' to the medicine though and it activated what they called 'bipolar type 2' which meant it was latent and activated by use of the meds.

i still take medicine for that but it was a short episode til they had the meds straightened out - i have been considered completely stable for several years.

also diagnosed with complex ptsd..... partly from lifetime of abuse, partly from frontal lobe brain injury.....

i was hit as a pedestrian directly in the face by a drunk driver going 40 mph. serious frontal lobe injuries are supposed to impair impulse control and emotional control. but,  my psychiatrist tells me that 'most people would ahve been significantly angrier' were they in my shoes :}} he says im 'not an angry person' and have exceptional control. hes an expert on ptsd so, i believe him.

i also have a form of narcolepsy! from the brain damage that i will always need medication for. thats also stabilised although i still have a lot of fatigue and also difficulty with nightmares.

so... to answer your question.... i guess you could say i have 'issues' that make dealing with things a tiny bit tougher.  none of it stops me from being a good mom or even doing my work. but its all conditions that stress is directly bad for.

[Anonymous]

i guess you could say i have 'issues' that make dealing with things a tiny bit tougher. none of it stops me from being a good mom or even doing my work.

Anna, you have such a good attitude!

Some people would say:  "I have issues that make dealing with things a lot tougher and makes it hard for me to do my work and makes being a good parent tough work".

Not you.  You see these as bumps in the road to success!!  That is a wonderful bonus!!  Good going!

GFN

[d's mom]

yes "anna" is ok. :}

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit

im the one that wrote that big long post about success and failure and being an artist,  to that person that asked about accepting failure.

i just forgot to sign it. i wont quit. it was a big betrayal tho - trying to do it 'right' and go in the system, to be patient and -not- freak out, which everyone 'expected' me to do.... instead i was 100% patient and went faithfully within the system and ... it laughably failed.

that did hurt. thanks for the encouragement. oprah cals it 'not giving up five minutes before the miracle'. ((thanks))
anna

[Anonymous]

Hi Anna:

i was 100% patient and went faithfully within the system and ... it laughably failed.

I know this hurt Anna.  I was disillusioned too.  I used to believe in the "system" because in theory, it sounds like it works.

The reality is.....it's a stupid system and it sucks.    

But.......if you play the game their way, by getting a lawyer that understands the stupid system and has enough experience to work it,  there is potential for success.

Bottom line important is maintaining your own health and keeping cool for your daughter because no matter what happens, she will still benefit by you keeping your wits about you.

i wont quit.

That's the ticket!

GFN

[vunil as guest]

Hi, all--

Anna (d's mom)-- wow have you been through a lot!  I don't think you are having trouble coping-- you are just coping with a lot.  If you weren't coping you wouldn't be here processing-- people who don't cope just go off and project all kinds of stuff in another direction and have no idea why that doesn't make them feel better.

As for dealing with N's, I have learned a lot from this group.  My number 1 thing I do now has been working for me pretty well (in the few weeks I have truly implemented it!  So take with a grain of salt):  Never put yourself on the line with someone whose reaction you don't trust.  So, if I have something exciting or sad and vulnerable to share, I call someone who isn't my parents.    Because the impulse to call is strong, I always do call someone, but just not them.  With them I talk about things that can't hurt me.

With N's at work, I make sure that the conversations we have do not reveal anything about me or what I'm thinking/feeling.  If they are pushing me really hard for my opinion about something (so that they can use it later against me or insult it at the time or whatever) then I lie and say I don't know anything about it, or that I haven't made up my mind.  Then I talk to one of the many people at work who are great and not N to get whatever I want to say out of my system.   Or, I go for a walk and talk to myself!  I also often have lunch with nonwork people and we take turns venting in a safe environment (and scheming how to deal with things).


So, for what it's worth, that does work for me.  Once I saw it as a strategy requiring my offensive (in the sense of not defensive) behavior it became less scary and more interesting to try to see what I could come up with.  

Another good thing about this strategy is it treats people as immovable quantities-- just like what they are like, regardless of what I do.  And with N people that is the best bet.

As I said, I got all of this from folks here.

[longtire]

Vunil, I have been using the same approach with my wife for the last month or so.  In the past, I would tell her about what was going on in my life and what I was excited or happy or scared about, but never got much in return.  I've stopped telling her my feelings and it feels much more safe to me.  If she asks me about something personal, I make a non-commital response like you.  "I don't remember," or "whichever" or something like that.  In that sense it is easier and I don't have to bare my heart only to have it stomped on again.  Still, I miss having someone in my life that I can run to and tell all.  I realize that I didn't have this with her, but this awareness and way of dealing with things is new enough that I am still mourning its loss.

[Brigid]

Longtire et al,

Still, I miss having someone in my life that I can run to and tell all. I realize that I didn't have this with her, but this awareness and way of dealing with things is new enough that I am still mourning its loss.

After 18 months of my H being gone, this is still something with which I struggle.  I can share some things with my kids, but not everything is appropriate for them.  You get to the point where you don't feel like talking to friends about it as you assume they are weary of it (also, since I am so "strong", I should be through most of it by now in their opinion   ).  But I also have to remember that most of the time, I could not really share anything of value with my H anyway.  After 25 years of being together, he never really knew me and didn't want to make the effort to learn.  So much of what I thought I had in my marriage was an illusion based on what I wanted it to be rather than the reality of what it was.  So the grieving is for what I imagined and so desperately wanted, but not what was there.  

Longtire, that is a very difficult reality to accept and come to terms with after so many years.  But once you do, you begin to see that the end of the marriage is the beginning of a new life which is open to possibilities and hope.

Brigid

[mum as guest]

(((((Brigid)))))), that last post was eloquent.  What a gentle way you have of helping others with your own journey.

[Brigid]

Mum,
You are so sweet to say that.  I've never thought of myself as eloquent (much too practical for that), but I accept the compliment as best I can.    

(((((((Mum)))))))

Brigid