Is he a narcissist?

[Anonymous]

(How do you guys do those guotes in the white box?)

Patz wrote: "After all YOU have been handling the money etc. & KNEW what he needed to do...ergo he is blameless". Are you saying it was MY fault? Or are you saying in HIS mind I was to blame. Sorry, but this guy has put a lot of doubt about what I say to anyone anymore......

I was his bookkeeper-he had to sign the checks. Whenever I told him there was no money to pay bills, payroll, ER, phone, etc. -he would ignore my request as if it didn't matter(it was his attitude, no one would dare cut off his phone,etc).

He'd somehow then come up with some money, which I'd suggest he pay the past due bills with. But instead he'd immediately waste the money on his son, for example. If I'd say, you really couldn't afford to do that-he'd say "what, now I can't spend money on my son? You're just jealous" Then I would get the cold shoulder for a day, followed by all the CHARM in the world.

While being under his "cold shoulder" I would think & believe, "I had no right to stop him from doing things with his son, how awful of me. I don't want to be a bad step-parent one day" I WOULD TOTALLY FORGET that the issue was- he needed money to pay the bills!! That's how twisted he'd get my mind.

[Anonymous]

It's been 8 days.

I'm soooooo glad!!!  Please, please, please keep posting and do not give in to any urge to contact him.

Please, please, please ignor any contact he attempts with you and just come here and post for support!!

This guy is doing this:

That's how twisted he'd get my mind.

To get untwisted, stick around here.  Read.   Write.  Think.  Keep yourself from concentrating on this guy.  He's hurting you and hurting your son.

We will support you all the way.  It isn't easy but you are already "8 days"!!!  Fantastic!!!  You don't need to be messed up or have your thinking all twisted around, do you?  You don't need to be treated like some servant by him, who usesssssssssssssss you for everything he can get, do you?  You do not need to feel bad about yourself for trying to help this guy, for caring about his son, for believing his bs, for trying to make a relationship work with him, for putting up with his junk/stuff/crap.

You've done your best and he has taken advantage of you/tricked you/used you/manipulated you/guilt tripped you/etc etc etc.   The fact that you are away from him for 8 days shows that you are NOT willing to take any more!!!  Good for you!!!

Please....focus on yourself and your son, right now.  You can always go over all the "good memories" later.  Right now.....think of this harmful relationship and what it's doing to you.  You DESERVE much better than this!!

You deserve to be loved and treated with respect and honesty and kindness and generosity and loyalty and honour......the way you have tried to treat this creep.  Please don't settle for less.

((((((((Guest)))))))))

GFN

[mum as guest]

Guest:  OH, Boy, can I relate. The charm, the "wit", the manipulation, the confusion, the PAIN.  And I spent 13 years with this and had two kids with my big N...so believe me when I say, noone here thinks badly of you for being where you are.  No judgement, it's just where you are.  BUT, good news, you are reaching out for something else.  This is a good place.

As a teacher, I know that guy is every school's nightmare!  Why? Because he USES his child, as you so aptly stated, as an extension of himself. My own ex sees his children as possessions to use and manipulate....but curses! Foiled again....I left him and they have a healthier way to see how life is done....so his "influence" is diminishing over time.  Teachers, for the most part, LOVE children, and a parent who does NOT really hurts us to see.  
His behavior is awful toward everyone....he sounds like a classic narcissist and then some.  He is an "emotional vampire" (aside: anyone read that book yet?)

When I read your first post I just wanted to ask (again and again): "you are with him....WHY????" but that sounds kinda blunt.  But I wish someone had asked me that over and over until I HAD to answer it way back when....then I would have realized my answers all had to do with me not loving myself...and his "love" supported my own self hatred.

When my ex cheated on me the first of many times (yup, slow learner), I remember thinking: "it must be love because it hurts SOOOO much".
WRONG!  LOVE is the exact opposite of fear and pain.  It is NOT love if it hurts that much.  It is his sick and insane version of it, and the mess he created in your head.....that's the sicko talking, not you!

Have you considered therapy? I wish I had looong ago, (I go now) because if I had, I would have worked on finding love for myself, so much that I NEVER would have accepted abuse (like you have....same stuff) from anyone.  I do not regret having gone through this however, as I have 2 fantastic kids and without such a struggle, I never would be on this healthy path.  That said, I wish that others could learn what I have and take care of themselves, love and honor themselves, first and foremost, for THAT is the only way we ever find true love...it starts within. I think that's why everyone on this board writes back....we've felt this pain (or are still feeling it) and have found some help and we all know, there is definately strength in numbers!!!

Bless you....sending you lots of strength and light!  Keep posting.

[Anonymous]

Hi again guest,
I know throwing papers at someone can sound like only petty behavior.
But it can also be the beginning of a dangerous escalation.
Mentally, its not that far from throwing papers to something a little more solid, like a fist. Especially if the relationship is going through cycles of seperation and return.
It could put your son in a bad spot too.
You deserve better, praying you can stay strong.

mudpup

Again sorry if I sounded a little persnickety on the first page.    

The quote thingy, with credit to GFN for showing me,
In ''topic review',
Left click and drag your pointer to highlight the text you want to quote,
Right click; a small menu box will pop up.
In the menu click 'copy',
Go to the reply box,
Left click where you want the quote go, your cursor will appear there
right click for the menu box again,
In the menu box click 'paste' and the text will appear,
Left click and drag your pointer again to highlight the text,
Go to 'quote' above your reply box and click it,
The word quote will appear before and after the text you want to quote,
When you post it, it will be highlighted as a quote. Voila.
If I can do it anyone can. Of course I was probably following clearer instructions.  

[Brigid]

Guest,
I actually started the thread on money because of what you had written here and I could relate to so much of it.

Help with the quoting thing:

Use the left click button on your mouse to highlight what you want to quote.  Right click the copy option.  Determine where you want to insert the quote and right click the paste option.  Use the left click to highlight the quote and choose the quote option from the above menu.  Voila!  Hope that helps.

I agree with Mum about getting a therapist if you don't already have one.  It really makes a huge difference.  And keep posting and adding on those days.  It does get easier and does start feeling better as much as it feels really crappy right now.  

Hang in there.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Again sorry if I sounded a little persnickety on the first page.

Mudpup-Apology accepted. Thanks.

(Thanks to you all for the quote instructions!!)

[Anonymous]

Mum as Guest:When I read your post to me, I cried. Not sure why it hit me so hard.

"you are with him....WHY????"

I was with him in the beginning, because I thought he was sooooooo much better than what I had. I thought he was my dream come true. I had just divorced my alcoholic husband of 20 years.  My BF said he didn't need the bars, he said he wanted to spend time with me doing the things I liked-that my interests were his. He said that my values/morals were identical to his. He got me hooked. But it didn't last long. Looking back, the signs were there almost within the first weeks of the relationship.

me not loving myself...

Is that it-we don't love ourselves? I have never wanted to come across as selfish, so I have never asked for much. I have been told by a therapist in the past that I needed to learn to be a #itch. I allowed myself to stay in an alcoholic relationship for 20 years. I really thought I knew better the 2nd time around. I am disappointed in myself. So yes, next week I am starting therapy.

[Brigid]

Guest,

Is that it-we don't love ourselves? I have never wanted to come across as selfish, so I have never asked for much.

Most definitely!!  You didn't ask for much because you didn't want to be selfish, it was because you didn't think you deserved it.  When our lives have been tormented by N behavior, we lose all sense of self and just settle for the crumbs of attention and love rather than insisting on a complete relationship filled with love, respect, honor, and deep intimacy, IMHO.

Good for you that you are going to seek therapy.  Start taking good care of yourself.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

I am disappointed in myself.

Well......you didn't stay 20 years this time, so you are learning.  That's a good thing.

I thought he was my dream come true. I had just divorced my alcoholic husband of 20 years.  My BF said he didn't need the bars, he said he wanted to spend time with me doing the things I liked-that my interests were his. He said that my values/morals were identical to his.

So who wouldn't fall for this??  At first......he seemed like the right person.

These people are sooooo convincing!!

 

Looking back, the signs were there almost within the first weeks of the relationship.

Good!!  At least you are looking back and seeing that.  Next time, these will set off alarms for you and help you to bypass getting involved.    You are doing well......learning from the past!  Good going!

....next week I am starting therapy.

Another good thing.  More support for you!  Another head to help you sort out the mess.  Great stuff!!!

Glad you're posting and even....crying.   That probably happened because you are starting to feel heard and understood????  What a relief!!  I hope so!!!

((((((((((Guest))))))))))

GFN

[longtire]

Guest, I feel for you.  I am going through a somewhat similar situation, though my wife is not overt in anything to the degree of your XBF.  My mind has been swirling around in confusion and hurt for the last 17 years.  Somehow I started to wake up and realize what has been going on and taking steps to get my life and my self back.  His behavior will continue with you as long as you allow it continue.  I urge you not to have any contact with him at all.  No seeing him, phone calls, emails, 3rd party reports, etc.  You will be much better off without all of this in your life.

It sounds easy to say that you just won't allow it or that you will just leave.  However, he picked you for a reason.  He knew that it would be hard for you to stop it.  He knew that it would be hard for you to leave.  He knew that it would be easy for him to charm and confuse you.  For many years, my wife has blamed literally every problem in our relationship on me.  She is "perfect," you know.  Then she convinced me that I was lucky to have her since no one else would put up with someone as bad as me.  All I had to do was let her treat me any way she wants, as an object to be used, as her own private emotional dumping ground for all those yucky feelings she refuses to own.  Sorry, I'm ranting again.

You aren't married to this person.  It probably best to have NO further contact whatsoever.  easy to say, very hard for us to do.  I keep getting "hoovered" back in with my wife.  Well, I did in the past.  That hasn't happened now for about a month.  Yay!  You might check out this website.  Dr. Irene is a smart cookie of few, but insightful words.
http://www.drirene.com/

I am co-dpendent, maybe you are too?  That means that I learned growing up to take care of other people so that hopefully, someday, they might turn back around and take care of me.  This means that I have to tolerate any and all abusive or hateful behavior from them because that is the only way I will ever get my needs met.  Thank God I no longer see things that way.  I am a recovering co-dependent.  Now, I see that I need to take action to amke sure that my needs get met.  Then, once my needs are met I can turn around and give to others as I am abel and as I choose.  I do not need to appease an abuser as a way of "taking care" of myself.  I need that OUT of my life.  I have no time/energy/emotion/sanity to waste on that dead end approach any longer.  If this is new to you, you might check out this book.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0894864025/qid=1113417681/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-0996084-5119057

[Brigid]

Guest,
My T has explained to me that N's very often prey on people who are vulnerable.  When I met my NH I was just ending a marriage with an emotionally abusive man.  I was looking to be treated with kindness and respect and caring and my H (2nd one) came across with all of that in the beginning.  They suck you in with their very charming facades and you want to believe all the sweet things they tell you.

You are lucky you did not marry this man and have his children.  It is so much more difficult to sever that kind of relationship.  You were obviously very vulnerable when you met him and were easily taken in.  Believe me, I get it.  Be proud of yourself that you are leaving now.

Brigid

[mum as guest]

Hi, again, Guest.  I have to ditto Brigid here, as we all seem to have fallen into a similar trap.  I married my second, more charming exN, soon after divorcing the cheating, mean one.  I still had the same self doubt that led me to accept the first one's garbage (his unprocessed pain) so I went right ahead and got suckered by the first guy who told me I was pretty (boy, I needed to hear that one!).  He was far more charming, as I was his third wife, but after a while.....he was just as self involved and babyish.  THEN I did the work that needed to be done for myself.....the healing. (still in process).  
Now I know why I made the choices I did, and that I deserve love and respect in any relationship (and I am no longer blind as to what MY definition of love is).
I think you are ahead of the game in recognizing what is happening for you.
Welcome to the world of the awaken.  It's not always easy, but it's a heck of a lot more joyful than doing life unconsiously and not knowing why we're miserable.

[Anonymous]

If this is new to you, you might check out this book.

I once tried to read this book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself" . I used to own the book, until my BF came over one day and threw out ALL my books and magazines.

He said that reading these things put ideas into my head-that I somehow made what I read a "reality". I have always read for knowledge, to learn, to compile information to make informed decisions about things and for pure enjoyment.  He hated hearing my opinions on things I read about-and now that I've thought about it- he hated my opinions on almost anything unless he was buttering me up for something.

[Anonymous]

I used to own the book, until my BF came over one day and threw out ALL my books and magazines.

He said that reading these things put ideas into my head-that I somehow made what I read a "reality".

Oh Guest,
That would be hilarious if it wasn't so sickening.
 
He didn't want any competition for forming your 'reality'. What a first rate creep. I thought of something juicier to call him, but  it wasn't fit for viewing by the gentle ladies here. Yeah, right. I bet they thought of worse names than I did.
You could post that in the 'most narcissistic comments ever' thread.
And on top of that to throw out your own stuff. Jeez what a typical N jackass.
Makes me steam just thinking about it!    

mudpup

[Anonymous]

Welcome Sunshine 22:

I gotta tell ya......I just got a terrible giggle out of reading what you just wrote.

Too flippin' funny!!  What a joke (if it wasn't so sad and true....sorry for laughing...really I am     ).

The IDIOT gets a dog...gives the dog away to prove what???...gets another dog...runs over it...gets mad at whoever (happens to be you)...gets another dog....???? (I realllllllly need a crazy icon about now!!)

Fur Crying Out Loud!!!  I want to tell him.......he's gone to the dogS!!!

Seriously!!!  Doggone nuts!!!  Doggnabbit.......dogs aren't toys to play with and throw away.......or toss asside on a whim.....or to use to expressssssssssss yourself!!!  

It is terribly sad to think of his poor son and of the poor animals at his mercy.

He's a real...........canine himself!!!

GFN