questions

[wildrain]

I have some questions.
I have a N mother,brother and grandmother.
I am in a realtionsip with a N,trying very hard to get out but always getting sucked back in.
I would like to know why N's feel they have to get you in a situation where it is hard for you to leave? Is this there way of keeping their N supply? When i met my b/f he would hardly get close to me.(No sex,no touching very distant,yet call me and ask me out all the time)  He was distant and would not even touch me (this went on for at least 8 months if not longer) when i told him i was interseted in putting up some money and going into a business with him (He is very creative) he changed and said we were now in a "realtionship" I use to think it was just the money factor(I had the moeny) now i think he felt i would be less lilely to leave.Which by the way is what happened as i we did start a buiness together (and still have it) I have spent energy and time and emotions and he knows this.
My next questons is: If they are so sure of them selves  Women like them/want them and they think they are so hot and think you are a low life and lucky to have THEM! Why are they always so worried that you will go off with some other man? My N b/f is always sure i am up to some thing (which i read as of course he is up to something) But i wonder why they always think that you are? He is convinced  i will leave him and find another guy. He has told me so.
Next question. I have seen some improvments in my N b/f. He has been slowly becoming aware of his behavior. He will at times slide back into twisting thinks around trying to make himself NOT wrong but he has become better over the years.he even told me he would make some changes to keep me and he has made them and kept his word.
I practice what is called compassionate breathing (i am a Zen buddhist) and i think it has got me through some of this madness.
Do N's ever improve or is this too just an illusion? He is a mass of problems (His self centerness is sometimes funny it is so "unreal") but i still see some  changes. Do they really change? I still have huge issues with his lack of affection but he is trying,though very uncomfotable (Its like he is in pain when he is letting himself touch me but he keeps trying)  I also beleive N runs in familes.How do all of you feel about that?
Thanks for letting me babble away!!
All of you have been very helpful and this is a great board!

[mum as guest]

Wildrain.
  All the tung-len practice in the world will not change someone or something if the practitioner is not clear in the first place.  Do you feel clear in taking on his pain?  Pema Chodron has said, the most compassionate thing you can do for everyone is to set boundaries.  Where are yours?  I applaud you for your kindness, but you acknowledge your BF is a mess.  

Physical affection is very important to me.  I would say a lack of comfort with it would be a boundary violation for me.....It's not like unwanted physical attention, which is easy to see as a boundary violation, but LACK is a violation for me.  I think you need to decide what your needs are.  Let your BF decide for himself to deal with his own pain, heal and then come to you on your terms.  Your terms are not  BAD.  They are what they are.
What do YOU want from the relationship,  not knowing what that is, is part of  the problem.
The compassionate thing to do is to take care of yourself and your needs, it is not unkind of you at all.
If you feel with your practice, you can take all this on, I am impressed.
But I feel for you with your feeling of lack.
Bless you.

[Anonymous]

wildrain,

The reason they do these things that seem irrational is because their internal world is one of terror. They are terrified of being abandoned, terrified of getting too close and being suffocated/trapped, terrified of being rejected and traumatized, terrified of competition, terrified of emotions, terrified of tenderness...I could go on.

But the terror is unconscious so you can't help him with it. A relationship partner CANNOT also be their therapist. It doesn't work and will only backfire. What you can do is what you're doing: setting limits, breathing through it, and enforcing boundaries. You can also leave the relationship if you need a mature man, because he isn't going to become that mature.


bunny