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Any advice?

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Anonymous:
Hi there.

I don't know if this is the right place to ask this, but I really need some advice. My sister is intelligent and attractive and she used to have a lot of frienfs til a few yrs ago she came back from college and totally lost it. She was having some sort of crisis, she was tierd and smoking (she never used to smoke) all the time, not looking for work. She moved out of the house and started living with an old school friend and just stayed insane! She never called, she never visited, she was on a different planet!

Then she moved in with a new boyfriend, still not working just sitting around drinking and smoking. She always used to be a hard worker at school and stuff, so we didn't get it. She just kept on blaming this old school friend for mistreating her, and tp be fair when we did see her when she was still living there she did look pretty bad. I know she was ashamed of herself for having the meltdown in the first place (she doen't believe things like that should happen to her!), but she's still acting all distant and wierd, and she says one thing and then does something else and I'm not sure the guy she's with is good for her. But whenever we try to help she freezes us out, and she's still living on welfare! No one seems able to get through to her, it's like she won't stop living in the past or something.

 She used to be pretty demanding at the best of times, but she used to care, I know she did. Now she doesn't even care about herself. Any advice?

October:
I'm not sure I can help at all, but I hate to see your post without replies.  If this were my sister I think I would try to spend as much time with her as I could, getting to know her, and finding out about what she wants and needs.  You can't solve her problems for her, or live her life for her, but you can be there when she needs you, and that is a very valuable role to play in anyone's life.

Hope things work out for you, and your sister.

Anonymous:
Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I'll keep on trying with her.

Acappella:
Hi Guest (aka caring sister),

I agree w/October ...be compassionate and let her know you care even though you may not understand and she may seem just "insane" to you.  

In my experience it can be good for everyone involved when someone who wants to help also admits when they don't understand completely AND states repeatedly they care and want to understand.  It is so easy to assume we understand family members and that their experiences should be identical to our own.

" I know she was ashamed of herself for having the meltdown in the first place.  she doen't believe things like that should happen to her!"  "still living on welfare! " Sounds like she isn't the only one surprised or perplexed. If that is shocking to you I can't imagine she doesn't feel that on some level.  There was a shame thread posted here at one time that was filled with posts on how shame can suck the life out of a person. I recommend that thread.  

Take care of you too. "She is freezing others out" - I don't imagine I'd want to subject myself to that perpetually (and ignoring her tacit request to be given privacy isn't necessarily responsive). I imagine I'd send a note to her once a week for as long as I could possibly stand it (years even) just to reminder her that I care and to let her know I was keeping my distance because I felt shut out.  

She has one thing more important that good looks or intelligence going for her...a sister who cares.  You mentioned those two qualities when you described her and perhaps that has been a focus in the family at the expense of some other important things?  Those two qualitites have long been considered important for success yet science and schools like Harvard are finding out more and more that connection is the most vital quality for human survival and intelligence and looks are a very small part of connection in the long run.

Good luck.  There is a post called "books that have helped" here too that has a lot of resources.  "Demanding" doesn't equal Nism though.

Anonymous:
I wonder if something happened to her at college that traumatized her (i.e., being sexually assaulted or victim of a crime)? College is when many people show first signs of mental deterioration and confusion, if they are schizophrenic. These are just thoughts that came when reading about your sister.

bunny

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