Hello guest...I am so happy to see you posted again today and you are back at work. I read your original post and wanted so badly to reply but just froze since I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. Yes, I have some self-esteem issues! I knew I would reply when I could and just tonight I was listening to a song that still brings tears to my eyes. The lyrics (roughly) are: How did you get so lonely, how did you get so sad, how did you get so lonely and nobody knew. So I am writing to you to tell you that now I know and my heart is with you. From what you have said so far, I can tell you grew up in and have lived in very similar ways that most of us on this board have. When you grow up that way or live with people who are narcissistic, their very beings depend on how much they can control you, your thoughts, and most importantly, your spirit. Maybe they can't help it....who knows. But I just cried when you said you were "unattractive". Somebody has done a number on you. When you look in the mirror, please don't see what someone else has told you. I don't care if you have three eyes, no hair, whatever. You are not unattractive. That's just what someone has made you feel. I hesitate to bring this up but my brother committed suicide three years ago and it was directly because of the messages he had received all his life from very self-absorbed people. He was brilliant, good-looking and kind. Because he had received so many messages that he was only OK if he supported someone else's projections of who he should be, I think he could find no other answer. But, he was also programmed not to trust anyone else other than my mother who only wanted him to make her look good. Sometimes, we have to take a leap of faith and we have to leap when we are in the lowest of moments or in the most despair. And we have to leap toward someone who cares...I mean really cares. You found this place on the internet and I (and I suspect most everyone else here) care in the sense that we don't know what you look like, did yesterday, did ten years ago. We/I just care about what you are doing right now and what you will do tomorrow. I think all of us want to impart some strength to you to trust. Take a leap of faith and keep talking to us. Trust is knowing that although you don't have an answer at this moment, the answer is coming and it will come in many ways because you have had the strength to reach out. By reaching out you were and are very brave although you may not see it that way right now. You really have courage. Reaching out takes courage and I don't think you are ready to leave us right now. Keep talking and I will keep listening. And as for having children....your regrets tell me that you are sad you have not had children but they also tell me you are a very caring and nurturing person....just for a few moments or a few minutes, turn this caring and nurturing toward yourself....just a little bit every day and I think that reflection in the mirror will change. You'll see what you have to offer not only to others but to yourself and you'll start that wonderful journey of meeting who you really are. It worked for me! Take care....
