Rich kids fighting over stupid stuff

[Bliz]

Bunny,
Thanks for hte encouragment. I know I still feel very good about it and actually had to go places with Mom and Dad today and didnt feel the anger I am sure I would have if I hadnt said my peace.

They probably have changed over the years. If you can believe it, I think it was actually worse at one time.  Will they change more, who knows?  I never looked at it as how I could  never do that before.  Like trying to pick out a neice or nephew and do the same.  I just couldnt do it, which makes it so much the harder to understand.  I am glad I used that line.  

Dad is so big on equality among the siblings in so many other ways it is even more difficult to undersatnd.  Come to think about it maybe it is only equality when it serves his purpose.  Like he wants 100% consensus on the trailer when only the older brother is holding it up.  I have already told Dad it better be majority rules or we will never get it done.

[ellen]

Here is an amazing one:

I have a premature baby at 25 weeks who had a 50-50 chance of survival. At the time she has been in the hospital for over 2 months. We still don't know longterm outcomes and if she'll need money for therapies, wheelchair, etc. I am in hell. Bills are incredible. My rich dad....

Buys my sister, who is married to a guy whose dad has 30 million dollars from selling his company, a new BMW suv. Reason? "she just got a big dog and needs the space". I got nothing to help my baby!

Sorry, not trying to play a one-up game, but girl I feel your pain. Money is a language in the hands of the dysfunctional. Awful, confusing, sad. I finally confronted him, and the response was "well, she asks". I get punished for being "sensitive". Maybe you're a truthteller too.

[Bliz]

"Well, she asked."  That is interesting.  That was what my Dad was yelling when he was ending the conversation..."well, what do you want?  Tell me what you want?"  I had already told him I thought he should write a check to everybody.  I doubt I will pursue it.

Here is a bit of irony.  My furnace went out yesterday. This is a business my father is in.  Naturally he has somebody down there replacing the motor as we speak. I told him I could contact somebody else but he had a guy here bright and early.  I am sure in his mind this equals a $200,000 check as my Mother has said that repeatedly,  "well we help everybody."

Somehow they equate any help with handing out huge checks or giving someone lifetime employment or a business.  I called Dad up this morning and told him he didnt have to send anybody I could take care of it.  So I guess now I am also a money whore.

They told the "angry" brother finally and apparently he doesnt have any problem with it.  I doubt this seriously, but my Mother said, "He never mentioned it again"  Again, the voicelessness theme, in my book.  

This brother has had a ton of what I would call anger related illnesses. He is only 44 and had his entire large intestine removed, several years ago, due to IBS.  I am thinking he just hasnt processed his feelings yet as he is known for never giving up on a grudge.  

His attitude with me was resigned.  Like, "not like they havent done this before."  Not that I want him to be mad about it but now I do look like the bad guy.

[bunny as guest]

Here is a bit of irony.  My furnace went out yesterday. This is a business my father is in.  Naturally he has somebody down there replacing the motor as we speak. I told him I could contact somebody else but he had a guy here bright and early.  I am sure in his mind this equals a $200,000 check as my Mother has said that repeatedly,  "well we help everybody."

Let him help you.

Somehow they equate any help with handing out huge checks or giving someone lifetime employment or a business.  I called Dad up this morning and told him he didnt have to send anybody I could take care of it.  So I guess now I am also a money whore.

I think he heard you the other day but he can't change his old ways overnight. This seems like a sign that he's trying.

His attitude with me was resigned.  Like, "not like they havent done this before."  Not that I want him to be mad about it but now I do look like the bad guy.

I don't know how you look like the bad guy, but if you do, does it matter? Do you think you could ever get on this brother's good side and stay there? I don't see how it's possible.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Ellen,

When you're dad said "Well she asks" did you, at that point, ask also?
If you did, did he help you out?
If you didn't do you think he would?

Its sickening that you would even have to ask your own father with help for his tiny little helpless grandbaby.

Sorry for the hell you are going through.
Prayers for your tiny one.

mudpup

[Anonymous]

Hi Bliz,

You know listening to you describe your family, it dawned on me that in some ways it might be better to have truly impossible, insufferable Ns to deal with.
When their behavior is so egregious that you have to cut off contact altogether, it at least puts an end to new hurts. The damage they do might be a little more acute but at least it has an end.
When they are marginally tolerable and their behavior is not so bad that it kills whatever affection you have for them, it can be even tougher it seems to me.
You get a little sign of improvement, but then a kick in the teeth. A bone tossed your way and then a big juicy pork chop tossed your brother's way.
I think that might be a harder situation to deal with in the long run.
They can't disappoint you if they're completely impossible to deal with.
But you seem to keep getting set up to get your chair pulled out from under you. Then they promise you a seat at the table again. And their behavior is just tolerable enough to you that there might be a possibility they would.
Sound reasonable?

mudpup

[Bliz]

Bunny,
Thanks for the kind words and encouragment.  I don't feel like such a money whore, now.  It is kind of pointless to draw a line in the sand with him and say I will accept no help.  Then you are really kind of s___ing yourself.

Since he asked repeatedly what I want, maybe I should think about that. In the short run, I would like his cooperation with this river thing and for him to surgically remove the older brother from his behind so he will let us go on with the project evn though Bro#1 is doing his best to torpedo it.

Bunny the "resigned" brother was a different brother.  I know you really need a chart but we have in age order:

Brother #1:  Permanently suckled to Dad in business #1.  Never had a real job.  Doesnt do anything there we can determine.  Has lifetime employment, car, insurance, gas card, professional sports tickets.  Company hasnt made money in years, probably because of Bro #1.  Dad doesnt seem to care. We are pretty sure Bro has been siphoning money in a variety of ways for years.

Brother #2  The "angry" one who had resigned himself to the latest  handout to Brother #3.  Has his own career away from family.  Tried to work in Business #1 but couldnt take Brother #1.

Brother #3  The rageaholic that I work with.  Was handed this side business from Dad although I asked for it 15 years earlier.  He tried  working at Business #1 and also couldnt take brother #1,

Daughter #1: (Me).  Banned from Business #1 because no women were allowed.  Dad avoided ever answering why I couldnt get Busienss #2.

I have challenged Dad and Mom repeatedly over the years.  I think it scared me to see what happened to the other women through the generations.  I was determined not to be them.  You all have given me hope.

Ellen, I am so sorry that I didnt mention the extreme cruelty of your father not helping you and the small baby.  What is wrong with these people?  Did he give you a reason?

I stilll struggle for a reason with my own father's lack of fairness.  If anybody ever comes up with an answer, let me know.

Mudpup,
You may be on to something here.  Most people would say my parents are lovely people.  In many ways they are.  There seems to be a rash of this unfairness and poor treatment issues again or maybe I am just noticing them more.  At least, Thank God, with your all's help I am nottcing it more and trying differnet approaches.  Tomorrow therapy also..

[mudpuppy]

Bliz,

The more you talk about your dad the more I'd like to punch him right in the nose.
What a butthead to treat you as though you are less worthy than your junior butthead brothers. I bet the bigger the buttheads they are the more he rewards them.
I'm sure you've addressed this before, but how is your mom treated? As disdainfully for being a woman as you?

My suggestions (nose punching) aren't always practical but they do give a certain short term satsfaction. Probably wouldn't help out with the inheritence issue much though.

You probably ought to listen to bunny instead.

mud

[Bliz]

Men have defintely been worshipped on the paternal side of my family for years whether they deserved it or not. ONeof my friends says the only other girl, my cousin, is in the same boat.  Dont know if that is true.  I think they let her work at her father's company that divorced from my Dad's company.

Considering the treatment of men in the family, nO wonder I have relationship issues, heh?  Maybe men are just worshipped in general on both sides more.  I still dont get it and despite what I may sound like here I dont hate men at all.  I am usually looking for a nontypical type male which has gotten me in trouble also.

My Mom is another story.  She was an orphan although her mother was alive.  When I ws younger I thought she ws nuts. She took a lot of her frustration, anger out on me.  SHe probably was classically Nar.  In her 40's she had therapy and kind of went her own way as far as figuring out who she was .  She went back to college and took up a sport that she excelled at and really came into her own.  

Mostly she is a joy to be around.  Because she never supported herself though, except when younger, I think the money kind of ties her to Dad.  She has her own money now but her brain kind of turns off when she is forced to think about that.

They stayed married and are probably relatively happy but it was dicey at tiems when we were younger.

She favors the boys under certain circumstances for a variety of reasons, although she will say that our relationship is closer and more real.  When the chips are down she often expects me to muzzle myself and as you know that doesnt always happen.   SHe said Brother #2, "never mentioned it again," when they told him about the latest money grab.  I will bet it will get mentioned again but her message to me was, "you are the problem."

For all his frustrating behavior, Dad is not well and of course I still love him so I try to chose my battles carefully.

[mudpuppy]

Bliz,

All I can say is your family is very lucky to have you as a daughter or a sister. Too bad they can't appreciate who you are more.

I'm glad your mom has improved to the point that she is a joy for you to be around. I hadn't realized you were that close. I'll bet in her heart she is torn up over how you are treated.

Sorry I want to poke your elderly pop in the nose.  Guess I should fight someone my own size. Oh, wait a minute I am, my dear brother. How could I forget.

You got a lot of love in your heart from somewhere, Bliz.
God bless you.

mudpup

[Bliz]

Ah Mudpup, there you go again being all sweet and mushy. I do appreciate it.  

Maybe that could be a new thread...how we all survived to love life anyway, besides the dysfunction.  There are so many good people in the world.  I see them all the time.

It was probably a very good idea that I took off after college and was pretty much a nomad for awhile.  I met a lot of different types of people and quickly learned that kindness, love, generosity, humility, humanity,  came in all differnet sizes and shapes.  

So  different from my white bread upbringing where the total focus was  on appearance and acheivement.  Probably also good, although I hate it, that I had to deal with being an alcoholic at such a young age.  Guess it knocked me down and around to rebuild me.  

I know on so many levels that I am a remarkable person, not to toot my horn or be conceited.  It is a shame it is not recognized within the family.  I guess it is mostly a defense mechanism on the part of the boys.  YOu know, "you one down, me one up".  Very sad.  Some of the wives have gotten that way too which is even sadder.

Hey Mudpup, maybe you are right, I should jump ship and get away from these looneis.  But on some level you know I love them all and the nieces and nephews are a real passion of mine.  That is why it is so difficult at times.

It is so helpful to have here where people understand.

[Anonymous]

Hi Bliz,

Hey Mudpup, maybe you are right, I should jump ship and get away from these looneis

Just when I seem to convince you to leave, you have me convinced you should stay!  
Quite frankly I think you have too much affection for them to leave. and there's nothing wrong with that if you are staying for the right reasons.
I think my main reason for suggesting you leave was to see if your perspective changed. If you really missed them and felt worse then yes you obviously should stay.

But, what has become clear over your last several posts, at least to me, is you love your elderly dad and he's not well. You love your mom and are getting along better with her better than ever. You really love your nieces and nephews. And you.....well......you have three brothers and you think that maybe they aren't really all that....well.....you have brothers.

If there is enough affection given and received in spite of some unfairess then maybe its not being enmeshed maybe its a flawed kind of love.
I hear quite a bit more affection coming through than anger especially toward your parents.
Maybe just staying on your course of evolving boundaries and assertiveness is best for you.

I know on so many levels that I am a remarkable person, not to toot my horn or be conceited. It is a shame it is not recognized within the family.

Oh, but it is recognized in the family. If you weren't recognized as remarkabe they wouldn't spend time holding you down. I knew what you meant though; you're not appreciated.

Stay strong, Bliz.

mudpup

[Bliz]

Mudpup, thanks again for the input.  Very insightful.  It is a mixed bag.  I do have great affection and love for my parents even if they are incredibly backward at times.  As for the worthiness of my brothers to receive my love....hmmm..let me think about that.  They each have  their own dysfunctional, frustrating behaviors.  I do feel some love to most of them at different times but the constant putting me and sometimes all women down, is a bit too much.

I went to counseling and felt pretty good about the whole situation afterward.  Her biggest question was why do I let their treatment cause me to doubt my self worth?  I guess that is the question for the ages.  Intellectually I know they are wrong, but sometimes at gut level it hurts.  Then sometimes it just p____es me off

The therapist was actually encouraging me to get a plan together on asking for money if I wanted to do that.  For instance, how much money it would take to totally fix up my house, and then present it to my father and ask for his help.  I kind of liked it.  It didnt have to be the house but the state of the house has been haunting me forever. Seems like as soon as I get one part done, the rest is outdated.  Also I am getting at an age where I am thinking if not now, when?  I have been moving ahead with my own plan but it sure could happen quicker with help.  She and I agreed I may not get the money but it was worth a shot if only as a learning experience. She did question my own feelings about money and asking for money.  I think there is a mystery to be solved there also.

Feeling renewed I went back to the trailer situation and promptly got frustrated as all the work keeps getting poured in my lap and then when I do the research it is questioned, dissected and sometimes discarded by Dad and Bro #1.

I had to laugh at one of my friends who once said as best as they could figure, Bro#1 is in charge of parking in front of the building and the doling out of the pro sports tickets.  That's is pretty accurate.  So when he said he didnt have time to meet the site inspection person I had to laugh.  

Bro#1's catch all phrase for "just how incredibly busy he is "I'm just spinning plates."  He is so disorganized and constipated I am surprsied he makes it to work each day.  It is a facade actually.  Acting busy when you really aren't.  I,  on the other hand, have two jobs and little to no free time, but can juggle, prioritize, etc. Maybe we could have a circus act---"The dysfunctional juggling plate spinners."  Oh I forgot it already is a circus act.

So this is where the famous Catch-22 comes in or as I think Mudpup said they pull the chair our from under me.  Do I keep pushing the project forward and learn to live with the ups and downs and hopefully the final product or just step back?   I am still debating and today mostly venting.

The next step was having someone from the traielr hauling company look at the site and determine fi we can actually get it in there.  Bro and Dad, nickled and dimed the site inpsection person, which also happens to be a woman, about her price, so now she isnt calling back, which I hope is just me being paranoid.

Bro #1 is also dissing the lady at the manufactured home site as not knowing anything.  I reminded Dad that the guy there wouldnt even give us the time of day so I dumped him for her.  I actually told Dad that Bro's only problem with her was she is a woman.  That upset Dad of course.
She has actually been great and at one time Bro#1 thought she was very informative.

This is all just a control issues as I am sure he knows he is in his favorite seat, holding up the project while he does Lord knows what.  It'sa power thing.  AARRGGHH!!!

I told Dad that I would meet the site inspection person, even though I really dont have the time, but they needed to get all their questions ready ahead of time.  Also no bitching afterward about what they forgot to ask or do, if they cant actually go out there with me.  Now if she will justs call me back.