Helpful thread...
Something in the last few posts made me think of another wrinkle in all this, one that has been really a big part of my growth the last couple of months. I'm not sure I can properly articulate it, but it's something like this: I think if you grew up with abuse and/or personality disorders (I had N parents, and my mom and sister were also borderline), then you gather people around you who are abusive and/or nutty in some profound ways. So, suppose one of them starts acting badly toward you, such as your boyfriend. Now, you start to wonder what is up, if you are wrong to be so upset, if he is really being mean to you, etc.
Ok, so you go to your friends and tell them all about it and your friends... tell you it is all your fault, you are being too sensitive, he is a great catch, no relationships are perfect, etc. So then your fears are confirmed, you say "I knew it!" and go back to him. I actually had a friend tell me, when my boyfriend was an hour and a half late for my birthday party (he was supposed to have shown up early to help get ready and bring supplies) that I should be careful not to be angry with him, because she herself was often late and part of why she was so late was that it made her angry to think of the person waiting for her having expectations of her! She said it wasn't fair for me to expect anything of him-- he was his own person. Two of my other friends said "good point!" Which to their crazy little minds it was, I guess.
I stayed confused for years because I chose friends (and attracted friends) who were as broken as I was... they talked me into staying with the worst men you could imagine.
Yipes! Thank heavens for therapy. It helped me realize what good feedback looks like, and also when I saw the therapists' reactions to my friends' comments, it gave me some perspective. It also helped me listen to my own little voice, quiet as she was for so long.
Lately I have been severely pruning my friendships, and spending a lot of effort nurturing relationships with well-adjusted people with great relationships, and trying to end relationships with borderlines (who seem to be attractive to me, lucky me) and narcissists. The irony is the latter groups cling much harder to the friendships and won't let me go. Trying to shake a borderline friend is truly a nightmare. But I am really enjoying my "role model" friends and their sane advice and perspectives.
Including you guys

Sorry, this was long-winded. But it is a piece of the puzzle, I think.