opinions please......

[forwardbound]

I dated a man for 4 yrs, whom I believe to be N and at the very least deep rooted problems with commitment. We've been apart for a little more than 3 mos. (there were several break ups over 4 yrs.) and there has been little contact over these las there mos.

He called me tonight to tell me about one of his parents being quite sick--just diagnosed. I told him I'll be there for him how I can, but that in a limited way based on where our relationship is at this time. I felt for him and for his parent, but to put myself back in a position where I'm going to be hurt to ease his temporary emotional distress, isn't fair to me. If this man loved me back and showed love for me, I'd have no problem being his support. He was never physically abusive and never directly verbally abusive--but could never say 'I love you', had problem including me in his life and made more of an effort to keep me on the outskirts.  There were so many breakups over the 4 yrs., I 've lost count and he keeps coming back (I know I let him) I'd love nothing more than to be there for him, but am I wrong for feeling this way now?

I'm afraid by offering support that I'm opening the door again and even though this is an issue where he may need support, I don't want to myself in harms way of  being hurt again. Am I doing the right thing here?

forwardbound

[dogbit]

I think you're doing the right thing.  It's interesting that he is using a sad situation to draw you back instead of offering you some emotional growth on his part to maybe start a relationship again.  I believe what he is doing is called "hoovering" (on another forum).  It sounds like you told him kindly your boundaries and I admire you for being able to walk away.  It sounds like you have a healthy degree of self respect!  I would always get re-involved when I heard a sad story.  I'm not doing that anymore   ...Bittles....

[Anonymous]

Forward:

Ditto the Bittles comment.  Keep your distance and go on with your life.  He has had 4 years to say the magic words.  There is no magic here.  Patz

[bunny]

forward,

You did the right thing. Keep to your boundaries. He really doesn't need you on some intense, long-term basis. He can get a therapist.

bunny

[mum]

Hi, Forewardbound.  I admire your decision to take care of yourself.  Did you tell him in no uncertain terms what "a limited way" actually "looks like"?
Considering your past with him, you might need to spell this out.  In my experience, if there is any room for interpretation on his part.....he will see it as a huge entry point for manipulation and you will end up metering out harsher and harsher limitations to him until he gets the point (the old "needs a baseball bat to the head to get it" kind of guy).  Good luck, and as Bunny said: he can get a therapist.
Mum

[forwardbound]

Thanks for replies...

Mum, no I didn't define support in a "limited way" and you' re right. I do think that it certainly leaves room for interpretation.

The conversation didn't go too far after that actually. Trying to actually have a conversation about anything that involves his emotions or feelings is virtually impossible. And my suggesting a boundary gets too close.
Shortly after I said that...he had to go...a pretty typical reaction of his when talks involve emotions or feelings.

This is going to be difficult for me, and I need to be sure boundaries are maintained. Maybe I'm not sure where they should be at this point. It's natural to want to be there for someone in difficult times.....for us that is, but not for them.

Again, thanks for replies....the support is nice and greatly appreciated. Thanks!!!

[Brigid]

Forwardbound,
I agree with all the comments so far.  I guess you could consider how he would respond if the tables were turned.  A loving relationship means give and take.  N's tend to just take.  Congratulations on setting your boundaries and sticking with them.

Brigid

[mum]

I think you will do fine. He got off the phone, as he probably sensed he wasn't getting what he wanted.
You can make a sign of that list you rattled off (of how crappy he was to you), keep it by the phone, and read it while he blabs if he calls again....then repeat, like a broken record: "I'm so sorry for your sadness.  I'm sure you will find comfort somewhere.  Best of luck to you."

[Stormchild]

Hi forward

How would he react if the roles were reversed, and it was you with the terribly ill loved one? Would he be there for you?

You owe him no more than he would be willing to give you, if you were in his place. If that much.

(((((forwardbound)))))

[miaxo]

It's great that you decided to move on without this individual in your life.
He's already sucked four years out of you.  Life is too short to waste it on someone who has proven that he is selfish.

I know you will find someone who loves, respects, and appreciates you.
You deserve no less.

Best wishes.

Mia

[Anonymous]

Hi FB,
If this guy is really an N I can assure you he is not feeling what you might think he is about his parent's illness.
He probably feels very little about it, other than how it will effect him and how he can use it for his gain.
I have experience in this area. Believe me.

mudpup

[New Day]

Dear Forward,

It would be so easy to fall back into old habits and "be there" for him when he needs you ... only to be discarded again when his crisis ends.  Actions speak louder than words and by his getting off the phone so quickly when you stood up for your own feelings, he made it clear that he was out to "use" you, not reach out to you the way a loving friend would do.  A friend would have acknowledged where you were coming from, even said, yes, I understand, I called because I am really hurting, but I respect where you are coming from, etc.   But he didn't do that, and he never will.  It's sad, really, quite sad.

Put yourself first.  You have done that.  I also would feel horrible to put limits on my "caring" but you know, he had no right to call you at all.  And you should be proud of yourself for handling the call as well as you did.  

Stay strong, Forwardbound.
New Day

[Lara]

Dear Forward,
I just wanted to ditto what the others have said. Having come out of a r/ship with a N person myself, I sometimes ask myself what I would do if he called when there was a crisis in his life.
My feeling is that, altho we are kind and caring people, who respond naturally to someone else's distress, you really need to protect yourself here. You have taken a huge and courageous step in moving away from this r/ship, and I feel you need to set very firm limits now, to avoid getting drawn back in again. I know this sounds mean, but can you be sure that he's not just using the situation to see if he can still get attention from you? If he has allowed you to distance from him over the last few weeks, and has not made any effort to hold on to your friendship, why should he deserve you to be there for him now? I honestly feel bad for being suspicious of his motives, but my experience with my ex has shown me that these people are perfectly happy to take and take and take from 'decent' people;and they do not care how much our 'giving' hurts us in the long run.

Take care,

Sincerely,
Lara.

[forwardbound]

Lara said...

I know this sounds mean, but can you be sure that he's not just using the situation to see if he can still get attention from you?

After reading that line....it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I spoke to him again yesterday too, and I must admit it didn't go well from my end, but after reading that line that Lara wrote, my perception of what's going on from his end was much clearer.

I feel much better today about my statements to him, and even though I caved a little yesterday in the conversation with him and said things about caring for him that only fed his ego, I'm ok with that. The things I do, I do because I am a caring person and N or not, I did care for this man. It's not my fault that he's incapable of caring and understanding what a wonderful thing it is when someone truly cares for you.

I thank god that I am the person I am and that I do genuinely care for people--even if sometimes they may not be worthy and can't return it.

[forwardbound]

......and thank you all for your posts. The support here is wonderful and I can't express how much it helps!!

Thanks to all of you!!!!

((((hugs))))))

forwardbound