Hi Ya'll: Stormy, Brigid, Bunny, Mud, Mum, Patz, Vunil, Dogbit, Mia...hope I haven't missed anyone. Just felt like including each person individually, so you might feel responded to.....because it's that not...feeling responded to.... feeling that really hurts, especially if it's a person you consider your friend ..who is doing the not responding part. So to each person who's name is here (and others who are reading), I just want to say that I understand the let down of not being responded to/supported by a supposed friend and the loss that occurs at that moment/those moments.
Stormy wrote:
wonder if what we are seeing is weakness dressed as kindness? Denial and even moral cowardice dressed as fairness?
On the other hand, we are all weak, unkind, we deny, may even show a little moral cowardice/unfairness sometimes, because we are imperfect. I don't expect perfection from my friends but I do expect them to hug me when I hurt, at some point.
Also, I **just** realized there's a large reminder of my parents here. These folks are always complimenting me on how well I deal with things.
Oooooweee. So... if you're competent, we won't support you. We only have kindness and empathy for people who aren't competent, people we can feel "better than" -- or people who are messed up in the same way that we are [rather than being messed up differently, as I (Stormy) am ]?
Yes. I get that a lot too. "You're such a strong person, you'll be fine." Even from therapists! And the truth is, I am a pretty strong person but I'm not tarzanna/wonder woman. I need a hug once in awhile too.
I wonder how much charity is really disguised (and not very well, at that) condescension?
I believe my friend is a good person who does good things. And she is human and capable of not doing everything perfectly, just like the rest of us. So I have no problem forgiving her for that.
But I don't understand how she can ignor my calling for help/expressing my emotions/describing the wrongs I felt were specifically directed at me....and still say she cares? Maybe she does have strong feelings for me? I don't think she would lie about that, nor say so for any selfish purpose. She just doesn't get that ignoring my pain is a really wierd way of showing love. It doesn't indicate caring to me. The fact that she hasn't even responded to that......gives me no reason to trust that she won't do the same thing again the next time things get tough.
One thing I will risk saying here is something I have always taught my children and that is:
It doesn't seem fair to interfere in other people's relationships.
When my ex and I were divorced.....I told this to my kids. I understood that they care about their dad and about me. Even though I have been hurt in many ways by their dad's behaviour, it doesn't seem fair of me to interfere in his relationship with his children and vice versa. I wanted them to understand that they have a right to love and have a relationship with whom they choose. I didn't "bad mouth" him. As Mum said, and others too, some where on this board, they will make their minds up for themselves some day.
I told them that if they are friends with A and B, and A and B have a fight, they don't have to take sides. They can support both A and B, separately, and remain friends with both. They can say: "Gee, I'm sorry that happened. It's not nice. I understand that you feel mad, sad, upset etc".
And they can try to understand what both friends are feeling and give thems support. They don't have to ignor either of their friends and it will hurt the ignored person to do so.
I told them that they don't have to end relationships with one person to prove anything to another. I hope this makes sense.
Mudpup: I don't believe in flashing righteous anger at anyone to get my point across, unless I really feel it and can't see any other way to communicate. But I am honest. I did explain how I felt, very bluntly (that I don't trust my friend, etc) and it didn't compute, or wasn't accepted. Her behaviour didn't cause me to feel angry....just hurt. I don't want to "pay" her back, in any way. I can't change the way she behaves. I can only distance myself from her and deal with my feelings of loss.
But thanks for thinking of me, Mudpup and for taking the time to comment. That in itself feels good and shows your kind interest.
Sorry for all who have experienced this loss of friends/lack of support.
((((((all))))))
GFN
