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Parenthood?

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Rojo:
Hi, folks

I was just re-reading CC's post a while back about starting a family.  I must have read that post and all the follow up posts about 5 or 6 times now...it's just such a beautiful dialogue.

Whenever I read/hear about someone bringing a little one into the world, it always brings me happy emotions and a big grin.  However, whenever I think about doing the same thing myself, I become filled with dread and feel the urge to run for my life.  Panic!  Panic!   :?

I know this is all horribly wrapped up in an equally horrible childhood ruined by my Nparents.  Even though I've moved leaps and bounds away from all that insanity, including across the world, this is the one portion of my life that I'm just completely stuck on.

Here into my 30th year in a wonderful 10 year marriage, I'm beginning to feel as though time is starting to run out for me with regard to motherhood.  Hubby is 40 so he's understandibly in a now or never frame of mind - either way, he says he will be happy.  Sooooo, I guess it's all up to me to decide.  Panic!  Panic!   :shock:  LOL!

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about the roots of the fear/panic response to the concept of motherhood.  I guess the best way I can articulate it is that I'm only just beginning to feel free.  I'm only just now beginning to have the childhood that was obliterated by my parents and I think I'm plain and simply terrified of loosing what I've worked so hard to achieve....peace, quiet and happiness on my terms.  The latter on it's own is rational and understandable.  However, juxtapose it with the problem of limited time as described above....then I reach a seemingly no win situation.  I can't imagine having a child for another 10 years because there's just so much I still want to do but cannot do with a child in tow.  However, waiting that long to have a baby makes for an unwanted repetition of one of my more painful childhood experiences in having a grandfather instead of a father for our child due to the enormous age gap and a risky situation in me having a first child at around 40.

Methinks the baby boat has been forever missed.  I'm a rockstar at heart but I just aint Madonna.   :lol:

Any thoughts?

PS.  I think you're all wonderful.

October:
Hiya Rojo

I am now 43, and my daughter is 10.  I remember when I turned 30 being in a similar position to yours, and wondering whether it was the right time for me or not, and whether to go ahead or not.  As you will realise, it took me a year or so to finally decide, and then went ahead.  In some ways my daughter was and is the best part of my life, and I would never be without her.  In other ways her arrival was a catalyst to the end of my marriage, as I finally realised just how selfish and self obsessed my husband was, and just how bad his drinking really was.  Fortunately that does not happen to everyone.

What I would say is that I was undecided for a long time; I had a good career and a good home, and I was never sure it was the right time, and then something changed within me, and all of a sudden it seemed as if there were prams and babies everywhere I looked.  This was a real change, and it was very clear that it was time for me to start thinking seriously about a family.

I would say that if you are unsure, give yourself some more time.  There can be nothing worse than bringing a child into this world and not being sure that you really truly want that child.  You may well find that things change for you as they did for me, and that your indecision becomes an equally strong decision to go ahead.

Either way, you can't make a wrong decision, as long as you do what is right for you.  That way, if and when your little one comes along, that will be right for you and for the child as well.

rosencrantz:
Hi Rojo - I'm 50 with a ten year old son.  

I was surprised to discover that my body clamoured for a baby from when I was 30.  I met my partner when I was 35 and we had a baby when I was 40.  The time was finally right from every perspective - my body was as happy as larry and there were no complications of any kind.

From what you say, the last thing you should do right now is have a baby.  If a baby came along you would resent its effect on what you have achieved.

Maybe you will lead a very happy life without having a child.  That's OK.  If you don't feel driven to have a child, don't have one!!  They change your life totally and irrevocably.  I just absolutely needed to have one!!  After that, my body stopped clamouring for babies and was content to drift off into the menopause.

The statistics on older mothers are misleading - I looked into it very carefully when I was considering what tests to have.  Be proactive in finding out about the latest research when the time comes, and you'll be OK.

We're all living longer and mothers are having babies later all the time.  It's true that you may have less energy (so keep fit if you want to plan on the possibility of having a baby later in life) but there are always upsides.  My husband may 'feel' that he is old enough to be a grandfather but he can now make choices about how he divides his time which he never could do when he was fighting up the corporate ladder.  And also we have fewer financial worries.

And it certainly keeps you young!  I may feel exhausted but I don't feel 50 and my obligations to my son save me from having to put myself into the line of fire of an elderly Nparent.

There's very little, however, that's romantic or sweet about having babies - that might be what it looks like from the outside but from the inside it's all blood, sweat, tears and exhaustion.  And every new mother says "Why didn't anyone ever tell me?"  Well, probably they did -but you weren't listening!!!   :wink:

So do what your INSTINCT tells you is right.  Go with the flow!  Enjoy your wonderful marriage and your peaceful life.  You don't owe anybody anything.  And you just never know what ten years might bring.  8)  
R

Rojo:
Hi, October and Rosencrantz

Thank you sooooo much for your thoughts, which were most validating.  October, you made me laugh when you mentioned suddenly seeing prams and babies everywhere after turning 30.  That is totally what's been going on with me.  I went to a big craft show shindig earlier in the year and boy oh boy, everywhere I looked there were pregnant women and babies en masse.  For me, it was like one of those slow motion scenes in a movie where speech is slowed to a slur, everything looks larger than life and some poor sod just can't seem to run away fast enough.  Kinda like Night of the Living dead but this time they're all pregnant, armed with diapers and are closing in on a new recruit.  (dramatizing of course but you get the idea  :lol: ).

The last thing I ever want to have is a situation where I resent my baby because of my decision to have a child when I'm not ready.  And, I'm definitely not ready.  I guess it boils down to the old saying, "When in doubt, leave it out."  R, when you mentioned the resentment aspect, it really touched a note with me and brought back a lot of memories.  Nmom held a thinly veiled resentment towards my birth.  I was a "late lamb" who ruined her modeling career, which was supposedly "really beginning to take off" before I came along.  Then, I refused to breastfeed from birth and was consequently labeled as the "difficult" (as in defective) one.  She somehow managed to suffer through all the sacrifices I brought though and loves me anyway... :roll:  Barf!

It was also very comforting to see that you folks have had children later on and have done so well, in spite of the resulting challenges.  Very inspiring.  You know, after reading your posts, I had a look at myself in the mirror, literally, and dang it!  I look and feel a hell of a lot younger than 30 and hubby seems half his age.  We can wait.  I guess I've been letting myself get bogged down by the old societal idea of time and so forth.  You're right, things are changing, referencing living longer and having children later.  Hubby and I need to further discuss his now or never approach to the topic.  While I totally understand his feelings, they create too much pressure for me right now and there are actually a lot of benefits for him in waiting a little longer (eg. he has more he wants to do career wise).  I, on the other hand need to better internally process the relationship I had with my grandfatherish dad.  Thinking more clinically, it was his behavior, not his age that was the problem.

Also, I think I've been subconsciously hearing Nmom's voice, which has, up until about 2 years ago pestered me relentlessly over the years about having children.  I quote "You owe it to me to have children!".  (Who let the nuts out?!!!)  Even though I know she's not well, and everything she says has an N motivation, methinks I still allow her enough power to creep into the old subconscious.  Note to self:  arm subconscious with N neutralizing kryptonite bazooka.

Thanks you guys.  Really.  With all these powerful emotions going on, it's so easy to get into a situation where one can't see the forest for the trees.  This board is a real blessing.   :D

Rojo

Anonymous:
Hiya Rojo, glad you have found a way through this one for now.  As I was reading your message, I thought about another way to make up your mind about something.  Toss a coin.  This isn't as flippant as it sounds; you toss a coin, and say heads I do, tails I don't, and then you find out what happens to the coin.  Then that 'tells' you what to do, and at that point you tune into your feelings and find out whether you are relieved or disappointed.  Then you follow your feelings, rather than the coin.  

C

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