Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Parenthood?
October:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---Then you follow your feelings, rather than the coin.
C
--- End quote ---
Sorry, that was me, October. And I hope it didn't sound as if I was being flippant about this issue, it is a very important one to get right.
(((((Rojo)))))
Anonymous:
Hi Rojo,
Of course no one can decide about you having a baby except you. I will say that if you are concerned about giving up peace and quiet and being able to do whatever you want to do, you are correct, you will have to give up those things. Is raising a baby one of the hardest things to do that there is? Yes. My memories of those early years were that they were brutal, very difficult, and put a strain on our marriage. They were also the some of the most special and rewarding and meaningful times of my life that I will never forget. It is not something that can be explained very well with words and will rock your world in ways that you can’t even imagine. My whole life changed the day my first daughter was born. There is nothing like it.
Simon46:
That last one was me.
CC:
Hi Rojo!
I am glad you are giving this so much contemplation as it is SUCH a big decision. As I mentioned before, it took me three years to "talk" myself into even going off the pill, while my poor best friend has tried every fertility trick in the book for the last five years.
I can certainly understand your apprehension with your Nmom basically indicating you "owed" her children. Interesting how opposite our Nmothers are, though similarly controlling. Mine was the opposite, dislikes most children and was glad to hear me say several times in the past how I didn't know if I would ever have children. I now see how her aversion to children was probably inherited by me..until I began to examine WHY I had an aversion.
Though I am now 9 weeks preggo I still question "am I doing the right thing?" I still have that fear, almost a sense of impending doom... that I can never go back. Then I have other moments, where I feel confirmed, when I feel like everythings going to be okay.. and its not going to be "bad" as my mother made it out to be, and how I had preconcieved it for so many years past. I even think on some level.. I may be able to give, receive, experience joy and love like I never did as a child.
When you mentioned how you had fought so hard and long to have peace in your life.. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I put off having children so long!!! I have been happy in my life with my husband, and it took soooo long to get there, and many years of therapy to get to the point I am with my family - which is not necessarily a happy situation, but it is based on my boundaries. The fear is of losing that happiness and peacefullness, as you mentioned, is why we hesitate. Will the presence of the child change all this??? And, I realized after months of contemplation that I felt secure enough in my marriage that we could handle it, I could handle it, and it might actually bring us to another level.
I discussed my anxieties with my husband several times over this period too. He reassured me, and was patient. But he also revealed to me that on some level he was saddened that I had not expressed wanting to have children even though he had never told me that in the 9 years we were together! He told me he never wanted to pressure me and that the decision had to be because I wanted it.
It could be coincidence, but I think that while we have always had a good relationship, we have been getting along better than ever since I got pregnant. there seems to be less tension between us. I am wondering if on some level he may have been resentful before.
I wish you peace in your decision making. By the way, you have plenty of time. I am 36, will be 37 when I give birth. You will know in time. There is no pressure.
Thanks for the post!
Acappella:
Congradulations Rojo on your resolve and for feeling it all out. 30? Yeah you've got time - many years in fact.
And CC 9 weeks already, wow. That is so wonderful. Hang in there. Woman have been told that the whole child bearing thing is supposed to be sweet and loveable and all good. There is a lovely article in Oprah's December issue written by a mom of twins who openly writes about the process of bonding. It was not instant nor accompanied by harps etc. as I grew up imagining unconsciously it should be.
Ultimately if a woman gives birth and decides she doesn't want the child I believe she should feel no shame in giving up the child. NONE. What an honorable and painful thing really to do. Carrying a child should be considered civil service in a way as important if not more so than serving in the darned army. Ok I'm really getting all sudsy on my soap box not. Woah!
I love the coin toss October as I see it as not at all flippant (good pun there though - flipping a coin...did you intend that?). I see it as a really good way to feel out feeling forced by the perceived decision making forces around us. As soon as a decision is made for us we sometimes only then get the distinction between the "it" and us.
Just think it wasn't long ago us humans just popped out children cause we could. I feel bad for my mom in some ways and women who just got the pill option and yet were subjected to shame for using it. At one time children were a major source of labor for the family farm. Ahhhh, evolution! (that is my positive spin on it anyway) I personally am quite thrilled to see such care going into the process while you do have time. And CC's pondering too. It gives me hope for future generations that there are people finally take such consideration.
Rojo, have you considered volunteering and have you been up close and personal with children...baby sitting relatives children, working at a school? I know that isn't the same as having a birth experience etc. and I still imagine it could help clarify if and when you consider the option.
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