Hi, everyone
Thanks again to all of you for your thoughts and generous sharing. My apologies for being MIA. I've been seriously mulling things over in my mind and absorbing all that you folks have had to say. I'm out of my thinking-cave now.
To CC and others who mentioned that I still have time to make a decision, thanks so much for that as I desperately needed to hear that I'm not backed up against the wall in some do or die, now or never corner. It's such a quagmire of emotions this, in that on the one hand, I have my body just screaming at me to procreate (those danged hormones!!! LOL). Plus, as I mentioned earlier, that societal pressure I feel from well intentioned individuals who constantly tell me, as they do Nic, "you'd be such a great parent!!" or, "you've been married how long..AND YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS???!!!". I also feel pressure from my faith, in that having children is what I'm supposed to do. Then of course, there's a part of me that really wants to have a child, for all the right and wonderful reasons. Thanks for helping me to cut myself a break for the time being...breathe...in-out-in-out...whew!!!
Acappella, when you referred to being glad that people are putting more thought into whether or not to have children, I thank you and I can only agree with you. Far too many people seem to just pop babies out, willy-nilly, giving it no more thought than they do a basic body function. For those people, having a kid seems to be the most trivial of life's events, which is something I just cannot identify with.
I believe the decision to have a child or not is THE biggest, most serious and the most gargantuan spiritual decision we as humans EVER get to make. As a Christian, I look at children as the most precious gift imaginable coming directly from the Big Guy Himself. If I accept His gift, it is my duty and privilege to spend the next 20+ years delicately unwrapping that gift, day by day exposing it's loveliness, one gleaming ray at a time, nurturing and molding it so that one day it can be set free to be a precious gift to the entire world. That's an enormous responsibility and I take is very, very seriously. Sorry if the latter sounds overly lyrical but that's how I view the responsibility of childrearing in my mind and heart.
I have spend a great deal of time around kids and although I often find them noisy and demanding, etc, which is all very intimidating to me, the greatest thing I feel in their presence is complete awe. They are the most beautiful beings on earth to me, despite their inherent challenges to a person's nerves and sanity.
It absolutely pains me when I see people making perfectly wonderful babies but simply not appreciating the awesomeness of what they have done and what it all entails, and consequently creating a situation where they do not, to quote one of you, give the child "wings that really work". Babies have a right to the love that is careful consideration, not only after their birth but long before they're even made.
Nic, I think your post was the complete antithesis of repulsive. You know how sometimes one can understand something on an intellectual level but not really FEEL that understanding? Well, you helped me to finally feel the source of my uncertainty about kids. You hit the nail square on the head on so many levels when you said,
"My parents together devalued me so much that maybe I just couldn't picture myself ever growing up ENOUGH to have the same thing they did..even a child".
I about fell off my chair when I read that...because, THAT'S IT!!! I mean, that's where I believe my panic, your queasiness comes from when we think about this awesome leap of faith into parenthood. Could it be that the source of our uncertainty stems from feeling unworthy of children because we were never made to feel worthy of anything? I think so. These N's...these sick, sick, wretched beings have robbed us of our ability to accept our God-given gift! To me, that's like a violation of my basic human rights in the utmost sense. Darn it, I have a right to feel worthy of having a child..whether I make one or not is another thing but it begins with the right to feeling worthy of such a thing. I was suddenly so struck by the injustice of it all and by the immensity of how deeply violated I've been. It may sound like I'm frothingly angry but actually, I feel so good because for once, my fingers can finally feel the edges of this dreadful, abyssal murkiness surrounding the concept of parenthood. Since I can now quantify the damned thing, I can now work on resolving its presence and perhaps one day, feel worthy enough to not only have a baby but also feel worthy enough in myself to do the job of raising a child as I envisage it ought to be done. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post, too.
Many blessings and love to all of you. It's a beautiful, sunny day outside and right now, I feel like it all belongs to me
Rojo
