...To CONTROL me SHE uses him, me and my dad have always had a great relationship but I can tell in the past 4 years or so that he acts as if "If mama ain't happy, aint nobody happy".
Hi, newbie---
Maybe someday I'll post the entire sordid mess that is my family's story, but I just wanted to tell you that this is EXACTLY what has happened to me(and my non-Nbrother), too. Most recent example: my Nmother has hated my brother's wife ever since they were dating("competition"--I know, that's sick, but that's how my mother views my SIL). Once they married, the behavior escalated to the point that my brother and I each had words with our mother over this. It was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back." We cut ourselves off from her, but still kept in touch with my dad(who supported our decision, and told us that he agreed with us unequivocally).
Well, something shifted in my parents' relationship(I think my mother has been making my dad's life miserable because he took a stand against her behavior), because the last time my brother and I saw our dad, he pulled us aside and told us that we were either to "find a way to make peace" with our mother, or he wanted us to "go away"(exact words). I'm sure you know the "ending" to this story---there is no such thing as "peace" with an Nmother(sometimes I wonder if she is borderline, too, based on what folks here have posted, but I don't know enough about borderline personality symptoms to make my own classification). That was three years ago, and we haven't spoken to them since(unless you count them having crashed my MIL's funeral last month, making a big, ugly scene).
I don't like being controlled by anyone and she has always been all about control...
As someone once told me, "It's not about love, it's about control, and worse yet, ownership." Oh, and my dad isn't the only one enmeshed in this---I have three other siblings(two enmeshed, one a screaming N) who are more than happy to act as my Nmother's minions---especially the Nsibling, who makes my mother look like a piker...
I am so sorry for your situation, newbie--I know that you must be feeling torn, because you don't want your relationship with your dad to be another one of your mother's casualties, but you want to continue keeping her at arm's length so that you can limit her capacity to inflict damage upon you. I wish that I had some helpful words to offer to you. Just keep posting here, because these N's(especially parents!) have a gift for making their victims feel like the perpetrators, and folks here can help to bolster your resolve when you're feeling down, or susceptible to your mother's attempts to control you.
(((newbie)))
PQC