Hi everyone:
Re: My father:
What effect has he had on your life?
I've been thinking about this question for awhile now and trying to think of how to answer.
My father was violent sometimes. As a result, I don't like violence of any type. Don't even watch violent movies. I'm a non-violent person, for the most part.
He was a bully and I really didn't like that so I learned to defend myself physically and keep a big dog around, just in case. That bit of paranoia is one of the worst things he left me with...even though I try my best to brave, much of the time. In the long run, it's a good thing to know how to protect oneself. It builds confidence and discipline. And dogs are wonderful companions. So I think there is some good in that paranoia.
He was rude and mean/cruel sometimes too. I think I am basically polite and try not to hurt others. I didn't like his rude/meaness and I am fairly kind to others.
He was jealous and possessive and I really think I'm not jealous or possessive because I disliked his jealousy and possessiveness so much.
He was greedy, conniving, and a sneaky crook. I'm upfront and fairly generous. I will often expose my intentions/plans/goals and I don't steal from anyone. I don't sneak behind people's backs or try to trick them.
He was a liar and I am basically honest. I don't like lies and I didn't like his lies. His lies were profuse and incredible. I try hard not to lie because I despised his lying so much.
He had a pretty good sense of humour. I liked this and I think I developed my own because it was something good/enjoyable about him.
He was often kind and generous to strangers. I found this odd but good so maybe I do it some too because of that modelling.
He was a hard worker and I admired this. I work hard and see nothing wrong with hard work. My work attitude/ethic has always been a benefit.
This list could go on for a long time.
I think my father helped to make me what I am. By his nasty qualities/example setting, I learned what I don't like and what not to do. I was disgusted and ashamed of his behaviour to the point that I chose to act totally opposite, as often as possible, maybe even over compensating sometimes. That doesn't bother me much because I'd rather be overly nice/kind/generous any day than do things his way. But I'm not able to always be as good as all that. I think I try hard and I think my father was the exception, rather than the rule. That has been my experience.
The good I saw in him gave me something to feel happy about sometimes/connected/caring about my father...even though he was not very nice to our family sometimes. Maybe I pay attention to people's good qualities more because I had to look so hard to find his? It's not a bad thing, I think. I am always looking for the good (but he taught me what bad really is and so I can easily recognize that too).
He definately effected me in many ways which in turn effected my life. Ofcourse, some of me is just the way I am, my own makeup/personality/tendancies etc. Nevertheless, I think I still grieve the losses I feel left with..never having had a loving father, one who I looked up to, one I felt safe with etc. So there is a certain amount of saddness I feel because of what he wasn't/didn't do/didn't provide. But it is fleeting because overall I'm a happy person, regardless of him, in spite of him, maybe?
I would never have been inclined, nor able to put much of that into words, without thinking about your question and really trying. So thankyou for this thread.
GFN