Author Topic: N-Fathers  (Read 1920 times)

Grace

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N-Fathers
« on: April 26, 2005, 01:20:35 PM »
I want to connect with others who have Narcissistic Fathers.

What effect has he had on your life?

I think fathers are like a bridge to the world, especially when mothers
are stay-at-home moms.

My own father invalidated and demoralized me so continuously
that I ended up feeling very reluctant to engage in any work
situation involving groups. It was as if he demonstrated that Nobody
out there cares about me. At least no one in a group situation.

His constant message that I was worthless ended up making me
feel unworthy of financial remuneration, of getting a good job.

I never understood my inability to engage more with the extroverted
world, until I learned about Narcissism and how invalidating the N's
are.

I mourn the years I could have functioned better if only I had had
a loving, encouraging dad.

Please let me know what effects your N father has had on you.

THanks
Grace

Brigid

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N-Fathers
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2005, 03:22:00 PM »
Grace,

I'm sorry for what your N father did to you.  I can relate in many ways.  

My father was, first of all, on the road a lot while I was growing up, so he did not play an active role in my life.  When he was home, he was either playing golf, watching golf on TV, going to football games, watching football on TV, or drinking (he was an alcoholic) and socializing with my mother and their friends.

His entire interaction with me was to criticize my every move, i.e., stand up straight, hold your elbows in, don't walk on your tiptoes, etc., etc.  He never supported anything I ever did at school or extracurricularly.  He never once told me he loved me or gave me a hug or kiss.  

As a teenager, I was so starved for affection, that I sought out attention from boys that was totally inappropriate.  I never stuck with any activity because neither of my parents ever praised or supported my involvement.  When I would move on to something new, they would just roll their eyes and assume it was another short-term interest.

At the age of 27, when I returned to my home town after living away for a few years with my first husband, I decided to enroll in the university and finish my degree.  My parents both discouraged me, told me I would never see it through, and so on.  That was the first time I proved them wrong, and I finished my degree at 29 years of age with the best grades I'd ever had in my life.  I finally decided I had to do things for my own sake and stop looking for approval from them.

My parents are both dead now, and I have not missed either of them, nor did I ever shed a tear when my father died.  I vowed to never treat my children the way I was treated, and I have lived up to that.  My children have never questioned how much they are loved and I rarely ever missed an event for either of them.  It is what I am most proud of today.

I don't know how old you are, Grace.  I am 54, and it took me a long time to see the damage my father caused.  Please seek the help you need to get beyond this and reclaim the spirit he has removed from you.

God bless,

Brigid

TopWitch

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N father
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2005, 04:52:47 PM »
I can surely relate - My N father did not want children (I'm an only child) and let me know every day of my life.

I spent most of my childhood in my room.  My mother and father would sit holding hands watching tv and if I dared to enter the room to watch tv with them I got a nasty glare from him.

It was made very clear to me that as soon as I graduated from highschool I would have to leave.  I graduated two years early and moved into my own apartment.  Today I can't imagine either of my own kids being mature enough at that age to rent an apartment, pay bills, hold down a job, etc.

I'm now 56 and have not had any contact with my parents since I was 24.  I've had two nice husbands but recently found myself in a relationship with a raving N.   It scared me when - in a certain light - he looked exactly like my father.  Up to that moment I hadn't noticed it.  

Healing from that one, but will probably never heal from the childhood.

Anonymous

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N-Fathers
« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2005, 06:48:06 PM »
Grace:

My heart goes out.  It really does.  I had an N father that was the nth degree.  How did affect me?  In every aspect of my life.  From choosing a good husband to my worth..........he was a bridge that collapsed a long time ago.  You are not alone with the continuous fall out.  I am 55 and I am still dealing with the fallout.  

Mine started when he abandoned me, my mother and my 3 month old brother. I was 4 at the time. Then he added insult to injury by remarrying my mother and tormenting her and me until her death.

So join the club on N fathers.  You are not alone.

Patz

mum

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N-Fathers
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2005, 09:16:49 PM »
I did not have an N father, but my daughter does.  I can only hope that the fact that I left him when she was only 3 will help her make better choices later in life.  She is already so tough, I doubt any guy will have a chance to mess her around.  She is navigating junior high way better than I ever did...so there is hope.

Bliz

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N-Fathers
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2005, 10:08:26 PM »
Myheart goes out to you.  Way to go to get beyond the dysfuncitonal upbringing and  find what makes you happy and what you do well.  

Pretty sure my Mom was a Nar.  I seemed to be an extension of her growing up and she was very critical, taking her frustration with life out on me.  I thought I only had validity through my appearance which was kind of quirky so that didn't work or acheivements which I could handle.  Dad was kind of distant, but also hung up on looks and achievement

ook years to belive I am just fine as a human being without an armload of honors or a Barbie look.

Someone recently mentioned reading Jane Fonda's book as a good tale of surmounting voicelessness.  Has anybody tried it?

Grace

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Thanks to everyone who wrote
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2005, 06:22:58 PM »
Thanks so much to all of you who wrote (and read) in response to
my post. IT helps so much to know I am not the only one in the
world with an N father.  Its an ongoing, daily hurdle for me.  

Just as an aside, right before my mother (his wife) died, I asked her,
"Tell me the truth, did he hit you? Was he abusive?" She replied,
"No. Never. but he always did everything he wanted."

I didnt understand what she said until a few years later when I read
about nercissism.  Now I would have a million questions to ask her.

Too bad she's not hear to discuss it all with!


Grace

dogbit

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N-Fathers
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2005, 06:50:59 PM »
"No. Never. but he always did everything he wanted

I think she told you everything in that one statement.  Everything he wanted...So, maybe you can start thinking that you're really OK...??  All the bad stuff was about him...not you...Bittles

Anonymous

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N-Fathers
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2005, 10:03:36 AM »
Hi everyone:

Re: My father:
Code: [Select]
What effect has he had on your life?

I've been thinking about this question for awhile now and trying to think of how to answer. :?

My father was violent sometimes.  As a result, I don't like violence of any type.  Don't even watch violent movies.  I'm a non-violent person, for the most part.

He was a bully and I really didn't like that so I learned to defend myself physically and keep a big dog around, just in case.  That bit of paranoia is one of the worst things he left me with...even though I try my best to brave, much of the time.  In the long run, it's a good thing to know how to protect oneself.  It builds confidence and discipline.  And dogs are wonderful companions.  So I think there is some good in that paranoia.

He was rude and mean/cruel sometimes too.  I think I am basically polite and try not to hurt others.  I didn't like his rude/meaness and I am fairly kind to others.

He was jealous and possessive and I really think I'm not jealous or possessive because I disliked his jealousy and possessiveness so much.

He was greedy, conniving, and a sneaky crook.   I'm upfront and fairly generous.  I will often expose my intentions/plans/goals and I don't steal from anyone.  I don't sneak behind people's backs or try to trick them.

He was a liar and I am basically honest.  I don't like lies and I didn't like his lies.  His lies were profuse and incredible.   I try hard not to lie because I despised his lying so much.

He had a pretty good sense of humour.  I liked this and I think I developed my own because it was something good/enjoyable about him.

He was often kind and generous to strangers.  I found this odd but good so maybe I do it some too because of that modelling.

He was a hard worker and I admired this.  I work hard and see nothing wrong with hard work.  My work attitude/ethic has always been a benefit.

This list could go on for a long time.

I think my father helped to make me what I am.  By his nasty qualities/example setting, I learned what I don't like and what not to do.  I was disgusted and ashamed of his behaviour to the point that I chose to act totally opposite, as often as possible, maybe even over compensating sometimes.  That doesn't bother me much because I'd rather be overly nice/kind/generous any day than do things his way.  But I'm not able to always be as good as all that.  I think I try hard and I think my father was the exception, rather than the rule.  That has been my experience.

The good I saw in him gave me something to feel happy about sometimes/connected/caring about my father...even though he was not very nice to our family sometimes.   Maybe I pay attention to people's good qualities more because I had to look so hard to find his?  It's not a bad thing, I think.  I am always looking for the good (but he taught me what bad really is and so I can easily recognize that too).

He definately effected me in many ways which in turn effected my life.  Ofcourse, some of me is just the way I am, my own makeup/personality/tendancies etc.  Nevertheless, I think I still grieve the losses I feel left with..never having had a loving father, one who I looked up to, one I felt safe with etc.  So there is a certain amount of saddness I feel because of what he wasn't/didn't do/didn't provide.  But it is fleeting because overall I'm a happy person, regardless of him, in spite of him, maybe?

I would never have been inclined, nor able to put much of that into words, without thinking about your question and really trying.  So thankyou for this thread.

GFN