Another insufferable Mother's Day

[Lizzie]

I used to visit this site a few years ago and now feel the need to be back.

Gawd - how I hate to have to go see my N-Mother, especially on this of all days! My husband is such a good soul, he comes along and rolls his eyes at her every comment. She is currently in assisted living. We brought cake, champagne, gifts (you see, I still am a fool) and all she could do was complain, complain, complain. Food was no good, they were late in getting her, etc., etc.,. No recognition at all. Sorry but even after all these years I am still looking for the acceptance/love that I'll never get. Am I crazy??? I felt mentally drained afterwards, but am recouping much faster than in the past. Thank God for therapy.

Never realized totally that she was N until after my Dad died (when I was 44, 7 years ago). She lost her audience/whipping post and zoned in on me, the only one around to beat on. Of course, she was N with me all my life, but I thought everyone lived that way. Getting beaten or ridiculed for not keeping my room straight (my pencils HAD to be all sharpend and pointing the same way), gaining any weight, how I spoke, dressed, who I hung around with. Always had to be paraded around like her "little Ms. Perfect", when only SHE considered me to be.
Now I am happily married to a wonderful, kind and caring man. No kids but not for lack of trying and i. treatments. Her comment to me? "Maybe it's a good thing you can't have kids"... spoken like a true NPD.

Sorry but I had to vent! Anyone out there with the same situation???

[Anonymous]

I used to visit this site a few years ago and now feel the need to be back.

Gawd - how I hate to have to go see my N-Mother, especially on this of all days! My husband is such a good soul, he comes along and rolls his eyes at her every comment. She is currently in assisted living. We brought cake, champagne, gifts (you see, I still am a fool) and all she could do was complain, complain, complain. Food was no good, they were late in getting her, etc., etc.,. No recognition at all. Sorry but even after all these years I am still looking for the acceptance/love that I'll never get. Am I crazy??? I felt mentally drained afterwards, but am recouping much faster than in the past. Thank God for therapy.

Never realized totally that she was N until after my Dad died (when I was 44, 7 years ago). She lost her audience/whipping post and zoned in on me, the only one around to beat on. Of course, she was N with me all my life, but I thought everyone lived that way. Getting beaten or ridiculed for not keeping my room straight (my pencils HAD to be all sharpend and pointing the same way), gaining any weight, how I spoke, dressed, who I hung around with. Always had to be paraded around like her "little Ms. Perfect", when only SHE considered me to be.
Now I am happily married to a wonderful, kind and caring man. No kids but not for lack of trying and i. treatments. Her comment to me? "Maybe it's a good thing you can't have kids"... spoken like a true NPD.

Sorry but I had to vent! Anyone out there with the same situation???

Lizzie

How much your post resonates with me!!!  My staunchly Catholic mother once commented that I would have been better off aborted.  

If I could give you some advice it would be this:  stop looking into the eyes of your mother for 'meaning', kindness, acceptance and mostly unconditional love.  You will NEVER find it there.  N's are incapable of love, other than self-obsessional love.

Look into the eyes of the man you love, be eternally grateful that you share such a wonderful life and try to get to the point where your mother is a figure of ridicule, a necessary evil and a royal pain in the arse.

My mother is still with us, but I have grieved for her over many, many years.  I was housebound because of what she'd done to me, I was the WRONG ONE.

She tried but failed to ruin my life.

I hope you feel the same.

Kindest regards

[Stormchild Guesting]

Lizzie... that business about the pencils really jolted me... it sounds like OCD. Which doesn't excuse anything. But it can help you figure out how to deal with them, if you know what script they are working from, sometimes.

I'm so sorry you went through this. I'm so glad you have a good and supportive husband. And I'm glad you felt you could come here, too.

My Nmother tried the same thing on my when my father died. He had enabled her and she had sucked him dry... her rage was boundless when I refused to step into his empty chains.

Hold on to your love...

[Serena]

Lizzie... that business about the pencils really jolted me... it sounds like OCD. Which doesn't excuse anything. But it can help you figure out how to deal with them, if you know what script they are working from, sometimes.

I'm so sorry you went through this. I'm so glad you have a good and supportive husband. And I'm glad you felt you could come here, too.

My Nmother tried the same thing on my when my father died. He had enabled her and she had sucked him dry... her rage was boundless when I refused to step into his empty chains.

Hold on to your love...

My N mother LITERALLY drove my father to drink!!!  He was a father to four girls (us), an accomplished academic and he took his FIRST EVER drink at 35...............  Sadly, he didn't stop.  The guilt he felt by leaving her is still with him.  I meet him and his new wife and try to shore-up how decent he is / was.  He was NEVER the kind of man to leave a marriage 'by choice'.................

She tormented him, he left (after six years of hateful belittlement by N mum), he never got over the guilt.

Sadly, once he'd gone, she turned her bitterness, spite, negativity and physical violence on myself and my sisters.

There was a happy ending, though, for me.  I met and married the most wonderful man on the planet.....

I don't care if he spends six weeks doing the bathroom.
I don't care if he watches sports compulsively.
I don't care if he doesn't put his washing in the basket.
I don't care if he goes 'out with the lads' occasionally.

I CARE that he has 'mended' me, been there for me (and still is...).

I CARE that he 'knows' when I'm 'down' and rings me several times a day.

He might not be the kind of guy that buys you flowers every week but he is the most decent, honest and transparent person I know.

Best wishes to you honey

[Stormchild Guesting]

Serena, your 'bloke' sounds to me like a prince!

Good on both of you! Hold tight!

                   

[daylily]

No kids but not for lack of trying and i. treatments. Her comment to me? "Maybe it's a good thing you can't have kids"... spoken like a true NPD.

Wow.  That's my mother exactly.  She has never spoken a word of sympathy or understanding about my inability to have kids.  She only says, "Well that's a problem I never had."  Which is true, but beside the point.  Not to mention hurtful--it's not a contest.

Thanks for posting this.  Now I know that at least one person really understands how much this hurts, and how unnatural it feels.

Best,
daylily

[bunny]

Hi Lizzie,

When I read about your mother's day, I thought my MIL had come back to life! -shudder- Here's my philosophy on the dreaded Mother's Day: "I've done my duty, now I don't have to feel guilty. Thank God it's over." There is no silver lining to Mother's day. It sucks!

bunny

[astrofemme]

Sounds a lot like my mom too.  We "ruined her life."  She wished we'd "never been born."  I finally realized that I have always felt guilty for my life and it is ingrained in me to feel like I'm not supposed to be here.  It's only by her good graces that we are here.  I always figured she chose it, she needed to wear it yet, that programming has a sneaky way of loading itself.

She's very critical as well.  Always has to make some nasty kind of comment when you do anything for her.  And nothing is ever good enough.  If  you take her to a show, it should have been CATS--that sort of thing.

She had terrible tantrums where she'd burst into our rooms like the swat team and pull the drawers from the chests and throw them and pull all the clothes out of the closets and throw them and throw our things (and yes hangers) and scream and be physically abusive and pound her fists on the walls, counters and furniture and scream at the top of her lungs.  Sooo as a child I always thought she was mentally ill.  After dad left, I used to worry the fellows in white coats were going to come and take her away in a straight jacket.  I think those thoughts were what left me with some self-esteem and some sense of self or I probably wouldn't have made it.  I mean, I really didn't see other kids moms doing these things.

If we ever complained, we were being ridiculous.  We didn't have it bad.

I've always wondered what it would be like to have a mother--a real mother.  Too bad we only get one shot.