My head is spinning...

[N-Jaded]

Well this afternoon the nspouse attempted to converse with me.  He said many things most of which was far from the truth.  Then he said "I know I don't want to be married to you anymore"  well DUH!  I figured that one out when he announced he was moving out.  Of course, I am not saying anything...as I announced I was done talking and now he wants to share feelings...I told him no.. my feelings are my own. He said well aren't mine important to you?    I said no, it's not about you anymore.  Then I blurted out.."I hate you"  He said I know, but I don't know why you are so mad!??    Arrrrgh!  I stopped talking again then.  Within the next 10 minutes he came down and apologized that I thought he treated me badly, that he was doing the best he could and left. the  second time he came down he was crying and said it's not too late, that he doesn't want a divorce and he will be waiting for me If I want to talk.  Again, I chose not to respond.  I know...I am a stubborn German and should say my peace instead of harboring it.  But I still think he's being nice to me has something to do with an alterior motive? What bothers me is the blurting out "I hate You"  I have never said that to anyone...and I'm not sure if I meant it...maybe it's an attempt of self protection    Or could I reallly hate him?  Sorry for rambling.  Again thanks for listening, (reading)

[longtire]

N-Jaded, I relate to what your saying.  When I talk with my BoPDish/NPDish wife, I have the same kind of reaction.  Wha?...?.?  I can't even think how to respond to things that seem so out of touch to me.  I'll go out on a limb here, but I don't think he is being nice to you, I think he is making nice.  The first would be because he cares about you and your feelings.  The second would be to get you give him more of what he wants by manipulating you.  Do you ever feel confused when anyone else is truly nice to you?  Trust your reactions.

Could you hate him?  Yes.  Could you still feel attached to him.  Sure.  These are not mutually exclusive, but painfully conflicting.  Did you say you hate him to protect yourself?  I don't know.  It can be both true and said to protect yourself.  I think you have the right idea in silence, though.  Saying "I hate you" shows you are still strongly connected to him and may encourage him further.  No one gets nice that quickly, without a lot of work and suffering.

[Anonymous]

N-Jaded,

There is nothing wrong in blurting out "I hate you!" to someone who has deeply hurt you. I think it was pretty healthy and might have even changed something in the dynamic, since it led him to feel remorse and start crying. Do you guys see a couples counselor? It might help to have someone mediating these confusing conversations.

bunny

[write]

about reactions like anger and rage recently: they're there for a reason, an emotional safety valve and to protect ourselves and get people to back off when they're being unreasonable or attacking us.

Because we've been working so hard to keep these narcissistic relationships together we've had to switch off what would be other people's normal reactions when provoked.

For many of us we had to switch them off right back in childhood to cope in faulty family relationships.

I'm having to learn that anger isn't a bad thing, that I am allowed to put myself first, and particularly- to unlearn all the caretaking of others I do automatically.

You have every right not to want to deal with your n-spouse's emotions, which I'm sure are all problems of his own making that you've been trying to help for some time and every right to react angrily when he provokes you.

Take care.

[Cadbury]

I think that with an N this kind of "about face" is quite common. (My own opinion anyway). My ex walked out on me and did lots of other horrible things (all whilst I am pregnant with his child) and yet still goes on about how he will wait for me etc etc. I think it is mind games. As I said to a friend recently, "It's not that he can't get over me, it's that he can't get over the fact that I have got over him". I think that's what hurts their ego the most. That someone could actually chose NOT to be with them. Just stay strong to yourself and ignore all his tantrums. They do eventually start to leave you alone as long as you are consistent.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

"It's not that he can't get over me, it's that he can't get over the fact that I have got over him".

Cadbury hit the nail on the head with this, imo.  

But I still think he's being nice to me has something to do with an alterior motive?

And therein lies the motive......to hook you, reel you back in, then......cut the line again.  So he can be the one in control.....doing the letting go.

Good for you for not biting!    

((((((((((N-Jaded))))))))))

GFN

[narcdistraug]

Hi, N-Jade.  I was palnning a wedding that was supposed to happen in 4 months.  My N fiance just recently left.  He called yesterday morning, I'm guessing to hold on to some narcissistic supply.  I feel your pain.  You want to believe them, but you know that they are full of it.  They will always be full of it.  I'm still reeling.  I have never been married and I have been with this man for 5 years.  I am still a little shocked from learning that he has been using me for 5 years.  He has been married twice before and has three children he doesn't talk to.  He promised he would change and I thought he was.  I thought he just needed to "grow up."  I had no idea of this disorder until recently.  It's so sad that they never change.

Adriana

[Anonymous]

Hello Adriana and welcome:

Gee, that must be heart breaking, after 5 years of trying to make the relationship work and looking forward to your wedding and all.     So sorry for that hurt, Adriana.  These are losses that you will probably need grieve thoroughly.  No wonder you are reeling and feeling so sad.

The good news is.....you didn't marry this jerk who is playing you like a yo-yo.  One minute he's going to marry you, the next minute, he's gone.  Seems he's repeating his irresponsible/cruel/twisted behaviour of the past.

He has three children he doesn't talk to?  Nice dad.     Be glad you didn't make any babies with him!!  You and your future children deserve much better than this!!!

It's so sad that they never change.

This is the hardest part for me to accept.  It is very sad too but so far, it's true (in my situation).  I don't think this jerk is going to grow up or change into some nice guy/father/partner magically, if ever.  First....he would have to acknowledge that he has a problem and then seek help with it.   Doesn't seem likely does it?

I'm sorry that it hurts for you right now, Adriana and I know that doesn't help much but I just want you to know that you are not alone in your pain.  It will pass and you will go on with your life.  You deserve to be with someone who will honour you, not treat you like dust.  No matter how tempting it is to listen to his bs......don't do it!!!  He's going to try to lure you back......don't bite.

You don't need to live your life with someone who has so little respect for you (and evidences his disrespect for others so clearly).  Don't settle for so little.  You can do much better!!!!

GFN

[Anonymous]

Adriana:

First the good news............you did not marry him.  Now the bad news......the fallout from being exposed to an N realtionship.  You are very lucky that you are tied to this individual.  The fallout from this relationship leaves a huge vaccum no doubt.  What you thought was not real at all.  The tip off that he has not spoken to his children??????  There is no telling how many lies he has told you about this.

You will find as you get distance from this realtionship that there were many clues that you did not pick up on.  We all want to think the best of people, but N's are famous for picking out vulnerble people and working those soft spots in your personality to  the max.  If you are a people pleaser, like I am, that is the best kind of person they look for.  I found myself doing all kinds of things that I thought I would never do because I just knew this person "loved" me.  He was using me all the time to get what he wanted.  It was an effortless part he played.  When I finally "woke up" so to speak, well of couse he did not stick around.  

As Stevie Nicks song says "players only love you when their playing".

Keep on keeping on
Patz

[Anonymous]

OOPS:  I meant to say not tied to that individual.  I wonder if that was and Freudian slip on my part.  Some things you just never get over and feel eternally tied to.  Patz