My Nmother sent me an email today that was very typical, and I reacted typically, which was to get upset. Then I wrote an email back, which I will not send to her (but would absolutely LOVE to) but will post here as a way of giving myself a "voice." The facts of the situation are complex, but certainly (as you might guess) not the way my mother describes them. The basic issue is that my Nmother thinks I betray her by associating with my stepfather, whom she was married to for 15 years. I am using false names to protect the "innocent" - "A" and "B" are my much younger brothers, Z is my spouse. Here goes:
Dear G,
I just got a phone call from X requesting that I change my vacation plans so that he can go with A, B, C and her kids to meet you and Z in New England so that you can all spend your vaction together at some relative of C's. As I recall, when I made the reservations over a month ago you said you couldn't go during that time period.
It really hurt me to kow that you would be avilable to spend time with X during that week, but not available to spend time with me.
It is things like this that make it difficult for me to be more emotionally "available" to you and why I distance myself. I'm sorry, but it often hurts me too much.
Mom
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Dear Mom,
I am so sorry you continue to tell yourself this story of victimization and betrayal, and that your energy is so consumed with searching for evidence to support your story. I am sure it is extremely painful for you. Have you ever thought about changing your perspective on these situations, and considering how your actions might appear to others or affect the outcome of events? Here is how I see what has happened here:
1) I asked you first (before I ever mentioned it to X) to go to New England with A, B, Z and I, but your reaction to this invitation was swift, harsh and negative. (Z actually remarked that he heard you through the cell phone and thought how sad it was that a daughter's invitation would be met with that reaction from her mother.) You complained about your money situation, as you always do and always have and probably always will. You did not stop for a moment to think about how we might be able to work out a compromise, or say something like, "Wow honey, that's a nice idea and I'd love to spend time with you, but I just don't think I can afford to do that." If you had done either of those things, perhaps I would have offered you frequent flyer miles, or tried to think of another location we'd all enjoy going to and could all meet at. As it was, I felt "stopped cold in my tracks" and lost all urge to discuss the possibility further.
1a) Speaking of money, who people choose to spend time with, and people hurting one another: I found it very hurtful that you chose to spend time and money to visit K in O with my brothers, rather than coming to visit me, your daughter, even though you hadn't seen me in years. Given how your visit with K turned out (which a logical person would have predicted), don't you think it might have been more worthwhile to visit Z and I instead?
2) It is very difficult to communicate with you regarding anything having to do with X because you are so bitter about him, and about the fact that I still have a relationship with him. This is really the saddest part. Other people have noted that a mother should be happy for any support her child receives, should be happy that her child has good relationships with people who have been significant in her life. But not so you, because you choose to focus solely on yourself and your self-created story of victimization and betrayal that rules your existence. It doesn't matter how I feel or what's good for me, it only matters that I am not behaving precisely the way you want me to and I do not see things exactly as you see them. Although X had many faults, he did not purposely set about to make your life miserable. If he were truly such a monster, what is wrong with you that you chose to marry him and to stay with him for so long? Is it because it enabled you to perpetuate your self-chosen role of the victim and martyr? In order to maintain a victim role, one must see others as victimizers, so I guess you have no choice but to see him (and thus by association, me) in that way. It is truly a sad and pathetic way to live. Why do you refuse to take any responsibility whatsoever for your own life? In any event, once you had stopped me in my tracks regarding the New England possibility, I feel it was only natural for me to approach other family members who I had reason to believe would be more positive about the idea (and in fact were). Once communication on this issue started with X, it stopped between you and I because I knew you "couldn't handle it" if I talked with you about him in any context.
3) Speaking of not communicating, you did not consult with me before making plans and reservations to go to state park with my brothers. Although you enjoy state park a lot, and I suppose my brothers do as well, Z and I would like to see some new places during the short amount of time we have left on the east coast. And, although we like spending time together with you and A and B, we are not particularly fond of state park or of staying in a cabin with no electricity. But, since your focus is always on yourself and what you want to do, you did not consider these things or think to talk to me about summer vacation plans. Thus, when I said I did not see the state park trip fitting into our plans, it had to do with more than just logistics.
4) We never intended to stay with X and C for an entire week. Part of the discussion has been trying to figure out how we could work in stops in both state park and New England. Though, it's true, you had no way of knowing that given what I had told you about state park before, and the fact that I have not been communicating further with you about summer vacation plans due to item #2 above.
As far as being emotionally "available," I'm not really sure what you mean. If you mean expressing your self-pity and anger, you have been plenty available for that all along, so it's no loss to me if you choose to keep them to yourself. They are not mine, they are not my fault, and they are not my responsibility. It's unfortunate that for the most part you don't have other, more positive emotions to share, so you probably won't have much to say to me if you cut out the self-pity and anger.
I continue to be amazed at how someone who is in a 12-step program, who is apparently quite intelligent, who prides themselves on being logical, and, more recently, spiritually aware, can fail to see the incredibly obvious example of a self-fulfilling prophecy that you represent. I can only continue to fervently hope that you will someday choose to stop playing the victim, to stop focusing on how other people hurt you, and to instead proactively seek out ways to have a positive impact on yourself, your life, and on those around you.
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I had a new experience after writing this, which is that I felt that I was really tired of putting up with this crap from her, and that I no longer felt the need to try to justify myself just so she will continue to talk to me. It was like, "well, if she chooses to cut me off because she can't be a reasonable human being, so be it - I'm tired of turning myself into a pretzel and walking on eggshells just to keep my own mother talking to me, and it's not my responsibility to do so". I had never REALLY felt that way before - I have always felt like I would "die inside" or something if she cut me off. I finally felt like I would be OK regardless of what she chooses to do. But then I realized there is a very BIG catch - my teenage brothers A and B. She has them brainwashed, and could make it very difficult for me to have a relationship with them if she chose to. So - my bending must continue. Since I am a beginning lay Buddhist, I will think of it as my ongoing opportunity to practice compassion.
I really like this idea of writing the letter/email you really WISH you could write on here - then you get to be heard without sending it to the N who would tragically gain absolutely nothing from it, and would use it as more evidence of your evilness.
ANYONE HAVE ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS?[/img]
