The conspiracy of silence surrounding the narcissist

[Stormchild]

daylily, see an elder law expert.

in my state, there is a 'destitute parent' law on the books.

which allows any sociopathic or narcissistic monster to take the child they abused, neglected, and otherwise damaged horribly - TO COURT - AND DEMAND FINANCIAL SUPPORT.

as the custodial offspring 'by default', you need to know if you are liable under something similar, and if possible, you want to avoid it.

There is at least one case in my state where an N-parent tried this and lost the case because it was proved that they were so abusive to the child they were proceeding agains, that the relationship was essentially abrogated.

[Samantha!!]

I have two stories: First one:

I had that experience either. When I started up to speak out about my family and that was mostly the family of my Nmother, because my fathers family had longtime ago shut down contact the following happened:

1. My co-dependent father denied-like always. He never sees or hear anything what my Nmom has done even if she was in the same room with him. He completely denies and is in some kind a helper.

2. My Ngrandmother, the mother of Nmom, siad she did not want to hear about it and push the receiver down. She never wanted to hear about it. Would I told her fairy tales, she would like that. She wrote me once a letter about forgive and forget.

I examined my Ngrandmother and discovered that she is N byherself and even much worse than my Nmom! I dropped contact to her, after I found that out.

3. My Naunt. First she was understanding, than she started to become manipulative and used the information I gave her against me and my Nmom. When My Ngrandmother died, she took all the heritage and did not gave my mother anything value. Only the shit she dropped for her home door. I have dropped contact to that person either.

4. I spoke to a cousin. He truely did not want to get involved, but gave me some information.

5. I spoke to her sister of my father and she told me some stories of my mothers (happeneed 30-40 years ago).

So end of the story: They all knew how bad my mother was. None ever thought how awful it must have been for a single kid to be together with such a bitch. None ever thought about that. I would have appricated some waring especially in my teens when I was starting to doubt my mother. No, they told me now ovber 20 years laters! That was wasting a lot of time of my life for things I could have just known.

4. I have not speaken since over 1 1/2 year with my NMom anymore.

I will solve the whole issue by skiping contact. Life is too short and I do not want to waste it any longer for people like that.

So here, my first result is: Some People obviously do not care, in which situation you are in. This reminds me of Brigids PIL. They gave a shit about it. Even if you go there and tell them and say to them, why you are supporting such a person, they do not care.

Oh, more the opposite they use your bad situation for their own benefits.

I can only recommend if you see people like that skip contact, do not even talk about them about the issue and move on.

To the people who failed to warn you, do the same. We give warnings out for hurricanes and tornados, so people should give out warnings for abusive people. At lot of them may in the beginning be very charming, because they know how to play that game, I mean somehow the victims have to get into that trap.

So, yes I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE GIVEN OUT WARNINGS !!!

The good thing after being in touch with groups like this and after reading a lot of books about these isues, I can more and more  easily spot these people by myself.

But these silent people they help the abuse in being silent, so please speak up and people who do not speak up, avoid.

There is a difference to speak up with people who saw what the N did to you and being togehter with the N, like with bridgts ex-husband. No need to speak up for them, they have already seen what happenend and likely the same will happen to them too in some years. If people think that the person has just done that to them and will not do this to any other person, they are plain stupid sorry.

End of first story

[Anonymous]

Second one:

I have that N in the office, screaming at me and being me to me. Of course, I went to the boss and he had to move to another office.

Anyhow, colleges, you saw that are still friendly to him. They even invite him for parties. The guy is very very false. And mostly making a big show.

One college noticed that the guy is abusive and he started to becoem special nice to me. I heard him discusing with the N in fron tof the elevator.

Anyhow, how come that people behave that way? Seeing that this person is being abusive to someone else and doing nothing oh more the opposite are still togehter with that N. Like my the whimp of my father.

I figured out, I do not for good sakes's trust these people anymore. I mean, maybe you are still friendly to such a person because you do not want to have trouble with that person either. But to invite him? Or go for lunch with him? What is going on in the head of such a person?

Next time it could be him? How stupid these people are?

Like my father? If he is not lucky that my mother will be dying before him, he will have to go to a lot of shit. My mother no way will him help if he is getting sick or helpless. She is just somejow to lazy for that.

Samantha

Oh, any thoughts on both stories are more than welcomed!

[bunny as guest]

When someone asks my opinion of an interaction they had with an N, I sense they want a reality check. They're wondering whether they are overreacting, the one with the problem, etc. If they ask me, I will give them their reality check: the other person is the problem, not them. When someone asks, they might be open to the warning. Even then, they might not be open to it. But I tend to give it if asked.

bunny

[dogbit]

I put my energy into establishing and maintaining boundaries, doing what needs to be done to preserve my own mental health while also doing what I perceive as my duty towards an elderly, ill parent. My siblings have coped largely by disengaging from her, which leaves me holding the financial and logistical bag as far as her care goes. So it's a difficult balancing act to be responsive to her legitimate needs without letting her consume me.


Daylily,  you described exactly the position I was in with my mom and MIL...Financially, I actually had to bully   her into finally getting a social security card so she could get medicare and medicaid simply because she did not want anyone to know how old she was.  She was 80 at the time!  My Dad just couldn't deal with her raging so I did the dirty work.  Probably it was for the best since I could leave and return home 3,000 miles away.  And the siblings on both sides disengaged.  I felt resentful but someone had to do the care-taking which is the way I felt at the time, anyway.  I would probably do it all over again because if I hadn't, no matter how painful it was, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself because of my own personal conscience and values.    You're absolutely correct in that these people will not change.  My mother toned down a bit when the threat of me not coming home again hit her like a ton of bricks, but the monster was still there.  I know monster is an extreme word.  I just can't think of anything else.  But then, I was put in a role of manipulating her which I was not comfortable with but it got the job of taking care of her immediate needs done.  Again, you're absolutely right and I guess, for me at least, I have to choose carefully the armor I will wear when I feel I have to be with people like this.   Bittles

[dogbit]

Just a thought....when you are in relationship with a sociopath, you feel fear.  You just can't nail down where the fear is coming from.  Oftentimes, you can only recognize that fear when the sociopath starts acting out so you have something to act as a catalyst to force you to face the craziness.  Before that time,  you dismiss the fear or internalize it thinking it is something wrong with you.  Even after you realize where it is coming from and what it is, you then have to make a decision whether you live with the fear or give up everything:  your family, your home, and your realization that many years have been wasted.  Also, your guilt in having allowed others to become exposed to this fear by your acceptance of it (meaning mostly children).  I think only a minority of us are willing or forced to make that decision. I think it is also why so many are not willing.

[Samantha!!]

Just a thought....when you are in relationship with a sociopath, you feel fear. You just can't nail down where the fear is coming from. Oftentimes, you can only recognize that fear when the sociopath starts acting out so you have something to act as a catalyst to force you to face the craziness.

I disagree. But I think that is part of the healing. I do not feel fear, I feel there is something terrible wrong with that person, I feel like something like disgusted and the immediately wish of not having to do with that person anymore.

Before that time, you dismiss the fear or internalize it thinking it is something wrong with you.

No, see above.

Even after you realize where it is coming from and what it is, you then have to make a decision whether you live with the fear or give up everything: your family, your home, and your realization that many years have been wasted

.

Well, the years have been wasted anyway. You can not get them back. But you can stop wasting time and years, if you start to act. If you are not doing anything, you are just waisting more time and more years. That is what I have seen. Would I have said good-bye to some friends and especially to my parents decades before, things would now much easier. They tend to become more complicated, the longer we in the situation!. Like with the marriage the shorter you are in, the shorter you are out. (Nothing against marriage just a comparison)

Also, your guilt in having allowed others to become exposed to this fear by your acceptance of it (meaning mostly children). I think only a minority of us are willing or forced to make that decision. I think it is also why so many are not willing.

I think the fear is, that we are on new grounds. We do something new, Alone, because the others will not join us. We need ccourage for that. Unfortunately, many are lacking that. But sometimes we do not have the support, we need and then it is more difficult.

Samantha!