New Here... my story...gotta value my voice finally

[Brigid]

Mudpup,

a fabulous, thin, blonde in a lime green convertible bug has a better chance of finding her knight than most anyone else. Just put the top down and tool around town long enough and he's bound to see you.

Where is my fan, you are making me blush?     Maybe instead of the white horse, he should be in a Porsche.  Nahhh, probably not.  We know what part of the body that men driving those kinds of cars are thinking with.  

My new motto:  No more Dark Knights  

Brigid

[Menow]

Hi Guys,
I cannot move. I am just emotionally frozen, but feeling. I truly am feeling this for the first time. I am letting myself not move. Luckily I dont have to work today or even until Monday. So I am going to take care of my child and me like we never got to before. I am doing a spiritual workshop this weekend, so I will just veg out there too. I never just let myself just be.

Mudpup,
Thank you. Yes, I am glad you said what you said. And I dont even want to think about finding a man, that has been my escape and false hope for too too long, it doesnt work. When I work through this and make some progress, maybe then I will trust my choices, right now I am thankful to have men friends, like you. Who want nothing from me. And I do have some of those, once I take the savior blinders off and all the weirdness needing them to be my savior. Also thanks for the encouragement for patience with seeing and knowing God loves me.

Brigid,
I loved what you said about letting he/she(God) in. It is a beginning for me. How you said it really felt good.

Thanks everyone too, your posts give me strength and comfort. I am off to just sit. I also feel like I want to throw up. Throw up all the years of stuffing my self and performing, Blah! I cannot do it anymore, I am not capable of a single lie. I cant do it, thank God, there is no turning back now.

with gratitude,
Menow

[Anonymous]

Hi Menow,

And I dont even want to think about finding a man, that has been my escape and false hope for too too long, it doesnt work.

I thought it might sound like I was advocating you go looking for a good man right now. That's not what I meant. I just didn't want you to give up hope of ever finding one.

My wife and I are involved in a singles group at our church, most of whom are out of bad relationships. We concentrate only on strengthening them emotionally and spiritually so they don't make the same mistakes again.
You're very wise to concentrate on yourself for now. Hope your weekend thing is healing for you.

right now I am thankful to have men friends, like you

I'm glad I have a new pal too.  

I also feel like I want to throw up. Throw up all the years of stuffing my self and performing, Blah!

Lots of people do it here. Its a very useful thing sometimes. I've done it myself.

And we have Brigid to clean up for us!   Sorry sis, couldn't resist.  Excellent motto by the way.

mudpup

[Anonymous]

Mudpup,

Thank you for the clarification. I did know that you were not suggesting that I go out and find one, and I did get what you meant and I appreciated it alot. I mainly said what I said for myself, reminding myself not to do that. It is good to hear you are married. Sounds like you are able to create intimacy, like you've worked through some stuff. And thanks, I hope so too that I have a good weekend and get something really good out of my retreat.

On another track, I have noticed that I really project all kinds of s#@* on the close people around me, especially lovers. I am seriously trying to catch myself. I keep recreating the past of not getting my needs met, and it is making me crazy. I know the new behavior is walking away. Instead of trying to stay and getting that hit of desperately trying to change the person finally satiating my child's needs. It will never happen (I am reminding myself). And/or stop projecting stuff onto someone who is willing to be there for me.

It just seems all too easy to my child, to walk away and get my needs met from someone who can meet them. OR to stop projecting and allow the person to give me EXACTLY what I need. Way to easy. But easy is the way it is supposed to be. I think I finally reached the point that I cannot take the other way any more, it is soooooo completely enraging and infuriating.

I think I have gotten used to enraging and infuriating. BLAH, now would be that time to throw up, as you suggested!

I will be away as I said until Sunday, I will write more when I get back. Thanks everyone for this amazing spot to tell the truth!!!! And thank you Richard Grossman!!!! Thank you sooo much for your caring to help people like me.

Menow

[Menow]

Hi Guys,
I got back from my spiritual weekend. It was amazing.

I just now realized that I will never get what I didnt get as a child. NEVER. Iknew it logically for so long. But now I get it. That now I can create healthy relationships etc etc. But that my childhood IS lost. That it was what it was. There was a part of me that was always looking to vindicate, satiate, replace what was lost. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. And that is sad, but now the healing can begin. I can stop searching, I can stop recreating my parents to try to heal it. It is done, there is no healing the circumstances of my childhood. But there is healing the pain and repercussions of what happened. Now the healing can truly begin.

I am a very stubborn person, and I was going to be the exception. I was going to fix my childhood. I was going to get my needs met dammit. But I cant, not from my childhood, I cant. It happened. It happened. And there is no getting it back. God, look at Michael Jackson... it doesnt work to try to recreate your childhood!!!! It gets all weird and twisted, it just doesnt work.

I can only heal the pain of it, I can only heal the scars from it. I cannot change it. In a sense they did win. I need to let them win. Because who cares about winning or losing anyway!! Who cares. I just want to be happy and healthy, it is not a competition or game. That is my child mind thinking that way. I need to love her and give her attention. That is what I need.

My God, such freedom. Finally. I was trying to do something that was never going to get me happiness or freedom from my past. Now I can. Now I can let it be what it was. It is not pretty, it is not happy, but it is true. It is so true. And I will let the truth be. I can handle it now. It is ugly. But I can handle it. Now the healing can begin. Healing the scars, not trying to change the truth. Not trying to win out over my parents. Who cares about them!! Who cares. I dont. I care about me. And my happiness now.

Thanks for listening. Gosh I am glad you all are here.

Menow

Gosh, seeing this the truth of it, brings up all kinds of feelings and lots and lots of freedom.

[longtire]

Menow, that is HUGE!!!!!  Congratulations.  (What spiritual weekend is this?  Can I sign up?)  I have gotten to this point for all but 1 or 2 stubborn childhood issues that are still hanging in there.  I'm seeing a therapist to help clear those out too and be clear.  I'm so impressed that you were able to make that progress.  Keep going menow!!

[Brigid]

menow,  (I keep wanting to type meow--that's what happens when you always have a cat sitting in your lap)

Good for you.  I am very happy that you have found a way to begin the healing.  However, I will disagree with one thing you said.  I do not think you can view your parents as having "won" anything.  You are the winner here and you will prove it by becoming the healthy, wonderful, fulfilled woman you were meant to be.  They have no chance of ever being more than what they are.  Wouldn't you much rather be you?  

It has taken me awhile to come to that way of thinking myself, but you can take pride in who you are and the strength you have shown and will continue to show as you overcome the obstacles of your childhood.  You are an inspiration to us all.    

Brigid

[mudpuppy]

Hi menow and Brigid,

Brigid,
I probably should let menow answer this for herself but being a nincompoop I won't listen to myown advice.
I think she meant they 'won' in the sense that they won the pointless and idiotic game that they set up to play with her. Ns will always win that game, or they wouldn't play. Our victory comes in finally realizing the game they are playing is sick and rigged, and while they win a few battles we win the war when we finally just pick up our toys and go play with the grown ups and leave them to fight over the crumbs.

Menow,
you said,

Gosh, seeing this the truth of it, brings up all kinds of feelings and lots and lots of freedom.

A very wise man one said "The truth shall make you free".
Congratulations on your new found freedom.

mudpup

[mum]

Mudpup: you are also a very wise man: your metaphor of the N game they set up to "win" is perfect.  Thank you.
Menow:  FANTASTIC!!!!  Trying to "heal" yourself is what it's about.  Trying to change what cannot be changed is a lesson in suffering: and an endless one at that...it keeps us focused on that which we DON'T want.  Healing and loving ourselves keeps us focusing on what we DO want.....and that's how it gets created!!!!
I see a connection between your first post (pre-light bulb) and your last (post weekend light bulb).
You were open, you were ready, you were asking for an answer. You were not STUCK in your pain.  You were NOT focusing on your pain....you were acknowledging it but also looking past it!!! toward what you WANT.  There you go!  And now you're getting it!!  Thank you for letting us in on it!! Thank you!!!
AMAZING miracle this life is, huh?  That people can get a different life?
This free will thing is something else!!  This power of love is something else!!

[Menow]

Wow,
Thank you guys for your big support, boy do I need it.

Mudpup, did you ever hit the nail on the head....

Our victory comes in finally realizing the game they are playing is sick and rigged, and while they win a few battles we win the war when we finally just pick up our toys and go play with the grown ups and leave them to fight over the crumbs.

(alt+q)

A rigged game with me as the fool, sucker, used. You are exactly right. I know they didnt sit out and plan on making me a sucker. But they did over years of living decide to be nasty uncaring people through many decisions they decided over time NOT to care, and NOT to be responsible and even got off on taking from me and others. YUCK. And yes, it is my responsibility to take care of me.

At the same time. I am experiencing deep deep sadness for my child. Deep sadness. That poor girl. That poor poor girl. That poor me. No wonder I have no relationship, no one close. No one who loves me like family. I have no family. I have "friends" who care. No home. Well, that is going to change. Because the jig is up. I get it now. I get the game and I am taking my toys and leaving. I am realizing I am a valuable human being, despite what they brainwashed me into thinking, so they could use me. How sad. How very very sad.

Thank goodness it is another weekend and holiday. Because I can barely move. I am waking up. This body is waking up for the first time. The pain is sobering. And equal to that is the compassion I feel for myself and my little girl. Shame on them. I am finally doing what therapists, books, some friends have been trying to tell me. It just took me this long to see such an ugly ugly truth. But I am and the healing is happening for real this time.

No more pain for me, no more pain for this sweet body. No more pain. Thank God. Thanks again you guys for your AMAZING support and affirmation, validation. Thank goodness you and this is here. I am going to spend a few hours just sitting with a friend.

Love you guys. And thanks especially to you Mudpup for your to the point clarity and understanding. Thanks for being a friend...

Love,
Menow

Those as*%oles....(myparents)

[mudpuppy]

Hi Menow,

And thanks especially to you Mudpup for your to the point clarity and understanding. Thanks for being a friend...

I'm glad to be your friend, menow. Very glad. I am one of those who thinks it is impossible to have too many friends. I am also one of those who thinks a cyber friend is just as real and caring as a 3D one.

Its funny how bittersweet it is when we finally get what the whole charade was about.
Bitter because of what should have been but wasn't;
and sweet because its like the scales finally fall from our eyes and we can finally see light and a little glimmer of hope where it was just a confusing fog before.

It just took me this long to see such an ugly ugly truth. But I am and the healing is happening for real this time.

Isn't it awful how they can so warp the world that their shame and ugliness gets stuck on us for so long. I'm glad you're finally healing  menow.
Your posts remind me of a butterfly coming out of a chrysallis; after they tried to make you think you were just a caterpillar. What's really sad is they're just a couple of parasitic tapeworms. What a thing to be. Bleckk!

Thanks for being a new pal, menow.  

mudpup

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone:

Hello Menow:

my childhood IS lost. That it was what it was. There was a part of me that was always looking to vindicate, satiate, replace what was lost. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. And that is sad, but now the healing can begin.

This sums it up pretty well for me too.  Thought this years and years ago and yes....they won my childhood....got it....recked big parts of it.....whatever and it is gone....can't be changed or fixed or replace....and it is a sad, sad loss.    In healing from all that you are ackowledging the loss of it....which has to be done before you can heal from anything.  So good for you!!

Maybe you spent years looking to vindicate, satiate, replace what was lost but that was before you realized exactly what was lost and that it can't be replaced and before you allowed yourself feel the sadness of that loss, maybe?  Now that you've done all that realizing and accepting and expressing your sad feelings.....you are well on your way!!!  Way to go Menow!!

You can and will build a new life and those who have hurt you will fade into oblivion......their influence/power over you and your choices will be little or nothing and you will be just you from now on.....not some reflection of them/their behaviour/the pain they caused.

(((((((Menow)))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

menow:

You are a survivor.  Give yourself this chance, the chance to love and take care of you.  My father was very much an N and even though I did not have the sexual abuse, it was emotional.  I was not allowed a voice and I remember as a teenager just shutting down and not talking at all.  There was no point.

Be true to yourself and love yourself because you deserve it.

Please continue to post here and let us be a part of your healing.

Much love
Patz

[Menow]

Oh hello dear friends....

Well, have I had an exhausting 5 or so days. But I am back. And let me respond to what you have written then I will catch you up on what is going on with me.

I'm glad to be your friend, menow. Very glad. I am one of those who thinks it is impossible to have too many friends. I am also one of those who thinks a cyber friend is just as real and caring as a 3D one.

Mudpup, that means so much to me, I read it when you first wrote it and reading it now again, just touches my heart, I have a real friend in you. Thank you.

Patz, I hear you. And thank you. I will. I do deserve it. Thank you for the encouragement.

You can and will build a new life and those who have hurt you will fade into oblivion......their influence/power over you and your choices will be little or nothing and you will be just you from now on.....not some reflection of them/their behaviour/the pain they caused.

GFN, Thank you. That really gives me hope and inspires me. It feels true. For the first time it really feels true. I feel your caring. Thanks.

So.... I am feeling really exhausted. Now I am dealing with the present people in my life. After my big internal and in therapy realisations. My unhealthy relationship came back and I really stood up for myself with him. He has a drug problem and I told him I just cant be with him if he is going to be doing that. Not only told him but backed it up with my actions.... egads. A new one for me. It has been really hard, like breaking my own addiction of focusing on the N, ignoring my self. But I did it and have been doing it.

So many thoughts run through my head, like. I am being really cold and mean, like he is going to fail or die because I didnt help him, yada, yada, yada. Or I need to call him to tell him just one more thing that will save him. It is my child hoping through hell and high water that my dad or mom will come through for me. My poor poor little girl. How exhausting for her. How absolutely exhausting for her. No wonder there was no time for laughter or play. She spent everys second thinking and racking her little brain about how she could fix them so she could get the love. Poor thing. Poor me.

The good news is I clearly and consciously saw it in my present reality. And I stopped. I just pulled away and stopped. It feels weird(of course) and it feels bad(of course). But I am doing it, I am focusing on myself. Like a snowball, it will gather speed and time. More time for me, more time for my thoughts, more time for my needs and wants, more time for me. And those that fit into my life will fit in. Otherwise I HAVE to focus on me. Or I have learned there will be no me. It is an addiction focusing on everyone else.

I am slowly ending my addiction and I have to say, it is like saying goodbye to an old friend. It does feel empty. Focusing on me. But I know that is just a phase and the beginning that it will roll and "I" will appear in my life, bigger and taking up more space, laughter, my laughter (what a concept) my laughter. I didnt know it was there. I look forward to that. But for now, I am just happy with my progress and baby steps.

Again, thanks for listening everyone. Thank God you are here. Thank God this is here. I feel heard. Really heard.  I am making progress. I am so thankful. There is a happy life for me, there is hope for a happy life for me. Maybe even a husband, a baby, and a circle of friends who care about  me. I would feel like I won the lottery. Thanks again guys. Love you...
Menow

[mudpuppy]

Hi menow,

I don't mean this to sound critical of anyone else here, but it is really, really nice to listen to someone just say "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore". Someone who has chosen to refuse to be a victim anymore.      
Someone optimistic, but still realistic.
I think your attitude is very inspiring menow. I hope others will listen to you and take the same road. All it takes is the determination to refuse to be a victim anymore and to refuse to play their sickening war games.
Of course it will take years to recover and there will be a lot of heartache along the way but the alternative is to drown in their sea of self hatred and dysfunction. Why drown with them, when with some effort, we can leave them to drown on their own?
Good luck, pal.  

mudpup