wasn't an easy way: first he chose to live with his nfather. I couldn't believe the decision; I felt he was caretaking his father, who was wandering 'round liek a hurt puppy for weeks.
However, I refused to do battle and I facilitated their relationship for some time, until I had a breakdown.
Suddenly son is acting out, n-h finally realises he's the one to blame ( yes- the b-word, most appropriate in this case ) and is frantic to do something, anything, to get his beautiful boy back. Even take responsibility for himself.
I was like a broken record at that time, partially my illness, but I just kept saying you've got to change & help yourself before you can help him, so he went to a psychiatrist. She helped him change just enough for him to start taking responsibility and listening to me and others. There have been many setbacks and returns to n-behaviour though, and I've had to be pretty ruthless too, in the face of 'please lets put the family back together'.
When we've all done our individual therapy we're going to do family sessions.
We all communicate now, not perfectly but better than before, and things are easier except for our son's agression and resentment with me, it's like he's taken over where his father left off.
I never believed in family systems theories before- I sure do now.
It's all cost a lot of money and my anxiety levels went through the roof when I first handed over my son, and didn't know what would happen.
I think our outcome is more positive than a lot of n-parents, I suspect it's only because we had the money and were in a city with loads of facilities...
but it's been very lonely losing my family, and I've already talked about my failed attempts to connect with other people.
I still believe hand on heart though that all the bad things would have happened anyway, and it was the right thing to leave the marriage, to tell n-h exactly what I thought of him, and to keep us all in therapy until we get through all this.
You've done the right thing, 'bad things'- traits, emotions, frictions, they come out anyway somewhere even if the kids seem unaffected and the lifestyle and marriage looks perfect from the outside. Something always cracks eventually- often a scapegoated child.
WHen I was a social worker I was always hearing 'where did we go wrong' from women like me- educated, stuck to their bad marriages, become emotional automatons unable to speak openly with their children...and their kids later turned to drugs; many of the kids weren't even sure what had happened to them either: to outsiders their lives looked so good, so 'normal', and they'd heard so many times how lucky they were, and come to believe it must be something wrong with them.
Well done for breaking a cycle. At least your boy will know he's loveable, loved, and that though there are sick or damaged or damaging people in the world- it's nothing he need take responsibility for.
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