Baby is here - now what?

[Cadbury]

Hi Brigid,

Tahnk you - I hope he does get bored and go away, but he is all about winning and I think he wants to fight just for the sake of it. He doesn't have his son's best interests at heart, only his own ego. That makes things hard.

Still, my son is doing well and if you could see his super fat little cheeks you would be on a plane for a cuddle straight away!! If only he would sleep ...... !

[Sela]

Hi Cadbury:

... he is all about winning and I think he wants to fight just for the sake of it.

It's frustrating isn't it?  Well, at least he hasn't really won a thing here......has actually lost a bit.
Prior to court.....when he was behaving fairly reasonably....he was getting to visit his son AND YOU, in a comfy coffee shop, nice and convenient... but now....he will be in a centre where he will be observed by strangers, no YOU there to work on.  He may put on a show but my bet is those who watch learn to see through people like him.  So, in a way....he is now on test ground and he has lost freedom, some comfort/convenience and the chance to win the supply he was really after.

Congratulations Cadbury!!  It might not seem like much and maybe it isn't but he wasn't awarded unsupervised visitation for days at a time so really.....this is worth celebrating some.

I adore babies and if I lived near I would be over there taking my turn at cuddling.  Keep your chin up Cadbury, you're doing a great job!   You have a calm, firm attitude, which is fantastic!!

  Sela/GFN

[Cadbury]

Thank you Sela and everyone. Just a little update ...

My solicitor has been trying to arrange the contact centre. She has contacted the contact centre (?!) and found out when they are open, she has gotten a list of times that suit me and written to my ex's solicitors to ask for the times that would suit my ex. It has been over a week since court and about 5 days since my ex was asked for times - he has still not provided any. This could be because we have been told that it will cost £55 an hour at the centre, or because he is only interested in our son's name and not anything else. I don't know.

I am in contact with my ex's ex girlfriend. Sounds strange and he has no idea about this, but she is a nice person and knows exactly what he is like. She is in contact to him and lets him tell her everything he is thinking and she then tells me. If he finds out he will go mad, but I don't think he will. Anyway, apparently I am schizophrenic and autistic. I am also violent and he has seen my father sexually abusing me. Apparently, everyone who knows me, knows this about me. I also cannot live without him and cannot manage on my own. etc etc etc. While I cannot use any of this explicitly - it does help to know what mad little thoughts are going through his head!

At court he even told my solicitor that I was getting married and would be getting my new husband to adopt our son and then give him my new husband's name. My solicitor came rushing over to me as, obviously, if I am engaged to be married it is something the court has to know about when making decisions about my son. She asked me about it and I had to tell her ..... I am single! I don't even have any male friends at the moment, let alone a boyfriend!! He is really getting scary. He believes all his own lies. I seriously think he could pass a lie detector test as he does not see himself as lying. I don't understand it at all.

Stilll, trying to keep upbeat - you are right Sela, he is going mad at the idea of a contact centre. Plus, I now don't have to deal with him personally so his contact with me cannot damage me at all.

Hope you are all okay. I don't get much time, but I try to check in every couple of days or so.

[sleepyhead]

Hi Cadbury! Sorry to hear that you are having such problems with mr Sperm Donor, but you seem to be holding up very well. It's ebcouraging to hear that he hasnt been in contact about the contact centre yet, I hope that he will keep it up so that the court will see how little interest he has in his son. To cheer you up I can tell you that after my parents divorced my mother took back her maiden name and managed to change my sister's and mine too! This was in the seventies and even though she had been married and we all had had my father's name! True, this was not in the UK and she did have to go all the way to uor version of the supreme court to do it, but she did. On the other hand, she is an N, but I strongly suspect that my fater is too, just don't know him well enough to be sure! Anyway, I read through the court papers the other day (my mother was away, so I had a snoop), and it is fascinating to see the crap that was flying.... But I agree with you, it is just about power, my father never cared about me (not that my mother did either), and it was all just about them, had nothing to do with us kids.

Anyhow, the reason she finally won was because the court found it made more sense for us to have the same name as the caregiver (!!!???) we were living with, makes practical matters easier (someone from my sister's school had called and hung up, thinking they had the wrong number), makes it easier for the children, not having to explain to friends why they don't have the same name as the parent they live with (don't know if this argument will hold up today, but worth a shot), plus the fact that our father had been absent for quite a while when they got divorced (he was actually living in the US when the divorce came through). Hope these strategies help. Also, do your other children have your last name? That could help, you saying you want them to have the same name as their sibling (or if they don't, saying that three different last names in one household would just be too much). The contact with your ex's ex sounds great, could she testify? Or maybe that would make you seem as if you gang up on him.

Your son sounds wonderful, and I'm so envious that you have him out in the real world now, I have to wait another two and a half months or so... Playing with a little foot through my stomach wall is great, but I can't wait to actually meet this little person! Take care and good luck!

[Cadbury]

Hi sleepyhead

I hope you are resting well while you wait for your little one to arrive. You really cannot get enough rest in preparation. I didn't listen when people told me to rest as I was so excited I just kept dashing around! So please listen and go and pamper yourself!

The last thing I really heard my ex say in court was that he disputed the interim residence order in my favour as he didn't think the children would be safe with me. All false, just him making waves for no apparent reason. He must know that that was an awful thing to say, plus all the allegations he keeps throwing out. We still haven't heard about when he is free for the contact centre, but last night he suddenly IM'd me on yahoo to ask how Alex was and to say he was going away for a week. I didn't reply, but I just get so frustrated that he seems to see his actios as something entirely seperate from himself. Like I should still be civil and like him etc  when he is doing everything he can to destroy my life.

Well, I suppose it is just a question of waiting to see what madness he will come out with next. I so wish I had never met him.

[Sela]

Hi Cadbury:

Do wonders ever cease?  Gee.....it's amazing how much these people think they can just brush under the carpet eh?

Stilll, trying to keep upbeat - you are right Sela, he is going mad at the idea of a contact centre. Plus, I now don't have to deal with him personally so his contact with me cannot damage me at all.

Good for you girl!!  Keep up that beat!!

Maybe he'll meet princess right on his trip and decide to stay in happyland forever!

With any luck, he will be very late, lax, certainly continue to be uneager to attend the contact centre and that will look bad on him.

And I hope the comment about him not thinking "the children would be safe" with you does too!!!

What a goof!!

Hi Sleepyhead!

Good to see you posting!!  Hope everything is going well for you!  The next couple of months will go by quick.  And then you'll have your own bouncing bundle of joy!!!!

Sela/GFN

[vunil]

Ok, this isn't very nice, but nice schmice I am pregnant and on bedrest!

Is there some way to get him to say to someone official all of the nonsense he tells you and his ex?  It would really help if they could see better what he is like.  I just wonder if there is a way to push him so that he'll reveal himself more.

I don't totally understand the law in your case, but why does he have any rights at all?  I don't get it.  I guess in the states he would have some sort of visitation rights, but he would also have to pay child support. That would be annoying-- having to deal with him.  Usually deadbeat dads don't come around because they don't want to be found to be asked for money.  So it works out.  But the name-- I am a little confused by that.

[Cadbury]

Hi Vunil!

How are you? When is your baby due? I hope you are both keeping well!

The name thing is all about his ego. He wants "his" child to have "his" name. I nhis own words "A child without its fathers name is a child that is unloved and unwanted". That is the kind of thing he comes out with! It is all about ownership and control with him. The only really good thing about his NPD is that he cannot see it and so he isn't curbing his behaviour in court.

As an example. I was adopted  by my step-father when I was 7. I was given my new fathers name and am now 28. So for 21 years I have been known by that name. In court, my ex said to the judge "the name _____ has no biological link to the child. It is not his mothers real name". The judge looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I explained how it was my adoptive name and the judge looked at my ex as if he was a total fruitcake and said " I think we can accept that there is a biological link with this name to the child, since it is his mothers name. That gives it the biological link". My ex said to the judge "Well, I disagree". To a judge.

When we go back to court, because the name is the most important thing to my ex, he will start saying more and more screwy things to try and get it changed. He has said a few already. Because he is so sure of his own importance, he cannot see that others don't agree and can see right through him. That is about the only good thing to come out of NPD - their total inability to see that they may be wrong about anything!

Sela - I am so hoping he will meet someone on his trip! It would be enough to get him to leave me alone while he "love bombed" her to get her to be his new supply. However, that's kind of a bad thing to wish as it means I'm then hoping for someone else to have to put up with him! He phoned yesterday and I hung up. I think he will get more and more desperate as he realises I really have cut him off from me.

I hope all the pregnancies are going well. Another couple of months and I'll have friends in the land of sleep deprivation!! It's nice here, if a little blurry!

[OR]

V- Hope your getting lots of rest, when are you due?????

I am pregnant and on bedrest!

Cadbury

The name thing is all about his ego

My STB- EX-N-H, is so caught-up on the name thing too.
After 28 yrs he wants me to change my name back to my madien name.
I think he is can't understand more than his own ego here too.

Our child would have his name, my name would be different causing confusion.
I would then have to make the effort to change everything in my current name like DL, medical information, etc, just a pain in the butt. He keeps asking me to change my name back, I ignore him, I DON"T have to make him HAPPY anymore so he can just keep asking I have too many other things to worry about.


I think where there is confusion about the name, if your dear sweet child is going to be with you , but you have his name when your not married then it will cause questions.

I have to go to work ..............take care..............OR

[vunil]

I'm doing great-- rest seems to be really doing the trick-- thanks for asking!  It is probably good for me to get used to not doing 10000 things in a day, too, although I'm still settling into that.  Thank heavens for the internet.

One thing can be said for these N folks.  They are entertaining as all heck.  I really think you should write a memoir or short story or something, Cadbury.  The thought of him instructing a judge is just too funny.  I know it is less funny to you since you have to deal with him, but the way you write it suggests you can at least get some sarcastic pleasure out of it   Why don't you get a big bright label with his full name on it, with the words "this baby is the spawn of" before the name and the next time you see him make a big deal of putting the label on the child.  Promise that the child will wear this label at all times.  Promise to have all clothing embroidered with your ex's name and to emblazon the name on the front of your house.

It's funny names are coming up, because one of the really fun things for my mom (and, I suspect, my sister) to do during my pregnancy is to disagree with my choice of names.  Mind you, it does not appear to matter what name I pick, it is always wrong.  It's very nice that they know the exact right names other people should be named.  Perhaps we could give them sovereignty over all people, and they could assign names accordingly.

Anyway, congrats Cadbury!  I am jealous that you are at that stage now where you aren't pregnant and you know everything went well with the birth.  And you get to see the little face

[Cadbury]

Vuil - I am sure everything will be fine with your birth and your beautiful little baby. (Apart from the pain, but then you would never believe how bad that can be!).

Luckily I can see the amusing side of his mad behaviour or I think I'd go mad myself!

OR - I cannot believe your ex is being like that! It's as if they see their name as something of ownership. It's like it is an honour to carry their name. So for my ex he wants our son to have his name as the ultimate honour and my name obviously wouldn't be good enough for that! Your ex obviously feels you are no longer worthy of having his name. It's his, how dare you!!

My ex has finally got in touch with the solicitors to say he can manage a Thursday or Friday for contact. I don't know why as he does nothing, but probably his way of making himself sound busy and important. I have raised the fact that part of his conviction means he cannot work with children under the age of 16, so I queried whether he would be allowed around the children in a contact centre. I think that will send him mad, but it is a genuine question.

He gets back from his summer school on Friday, so I'll see what happens then.

Vunil - call your baby whatever you like! I am sure you will have picked out a beautiful name so ignore everyone else. I think that they just like the argument to make you feel bad. Once the baby is here and you have chosen the name, I'll bet they never mention it again! 

[Sela]

Oh Cadbury!

...while he "love bombed" her to get her to be his new supply...

You gave me my morning giggle with this one!  How accurate!!! Another one of those too true and pathetically funny ones!!  (sorry....that's the evil in me coming out this morning..  ).  I can just picture it!  He drops a bomb and she's swoons and falls, overcome with "luuuuv" feelings for him!  He smiles, a sneaky, little N-smile, knowing he now has her hooked, and he can now play with his new toy, to his "heart's content"!!  Sad, sick and sickly funny!

....part of his conviction means he cannot work with children under the age of 16,...

Sorry if I missed this....what conviction?  (if you feel ok answering, that is).  And he's saying the children might not be "safe" around you?  Sounds like you have a fact here to show that it's the other way around.  Don't give in on this one Cadbury!!!  You bet it's a genuine question and deserves a serious answer!!!!

The thought of him instructing a judge is just too funny.

I agree with Vunil.  Hopefully, the judge didn't find it the least bit funny!!

Hi OR!  Yes....how dare you carry his name!!!  I was told that once the divorce went through, I could use whatever name I chose (return to my maiden name or whatever).  I wonder if the law is the same where you are?  What a dilly he is eh?  His name!  He probably has some great ancestor, who did something important to earn that name, and who is rolling over in his grave, at this point, knowing your ex has misused that name and is taking credit for it...trying to own it....and recking it!!

Vunil......some people find the pain of childbirth isn't all that bad.   I'm serious!  They do their breathing and focussing and all that and it helps alot!!

...one of the really fun things for my mom (and, I suspect, my sister) to do during my pregnancy is to disagree with my choice of names.

What ever name you have picked, Vunil, I bet it's beautiful!!  Feel like sharing so we can support your choice?? (if not.....no worries.....surprise us later!! ).

Keep resting!  You're sounding like you are doing very well!  Hope this is so and it keeps on that way!!

  Sela

[Brigid]

OR,
Just thought I'd relate a funny story my attorney shared with me regarding changing your name.  A client of his was being divorced by an a$$hole jerk who came from a local, wealthy prominent family with a very recognizable name.  He really wanted his wife to change her name once they were divorced so she would no longer be associated with him (and he had a new honey that would be the new Mrs. a$$hole).  She agreed she would for the price of $50,000.  He agreed, paid her the money and she changed her name--for one year--then changed it back to his last name as he had neglected to attach any kind of time limit to it.  I thought that was hysterically funny and I'm sure just pushed her x right off the edge. 

I don't think any court can force you to change your name as part of the divorce.  If your child has that name, you are entitled to have it as well.  I even know a woman here who not only changed her name back to her maiden name, but her two teenage daughters did as well because they were all so angry at their father's cheating on their mother and marrying the new girlfriend.

Good luck.

Brigid

[OR]

Brigid:

She agreed she would for the price of $50,000.  He agreed, paid her the money and she changed her name--for one year--then changed it back to his last name as he had neglected to attach any kind of time limit to

I like this story, HA! these N's think they are so smart, they get to their goal and forget much beyond that.


Sela:
His name!  He probably has some great ancestor, who did something important to earn that name, and who is rolling over in his grave, at this point, knowing your ex has misused that name and is taking credit for it...trying to own it....and recking it!!


I know he thinks HIS name is special, but not for any great thing HE did. Your right his living relatives are looking at him like he's recking their name with his big N behavior, and the dead ones are surely rolling in the graves. 



Chadbury: When do the N's ever get happy! You want something, they don't want you to have it.

My H tried to tell our 12 yr old  D she was not his child, but now wants custody. I think he would be willing to discard us both, have us both change our names.
Then I think he wants to have control so he would want our D to keep his name, just have me change mine, leaving our D to feel disconnected from me.
I need to look at this name thing closer maybe use it to my advantage somehow.

It's like it is an honour to carry their name.

no longer worthy of having his name. It's his, how dare you!!

V -

Mind you, it does not appear to matter what name I pick, it is always wrong

Others that think they will name the child for you will not be there everyday to call the childs name.
The mother has to like the name so LOVE will be heard from the child.
If your family does not like the name you choose then it will be a silly story from them, how they wanted to choose the name they liked.
   

OR

[vunil]

Well, I picked the name Pumpkin Patch.  Just kidding.  For anonymity reasons I guess I won't give the name but it is a very common name, not at all weird.  But I've already given her the nickname "bear" so I'll probably call her that a lot.  Maybe I'll tell my family that is her official name!  Bear!  That would be pretty fun.   

Speaking of names, my mother has decided that everyone who doesn't change their name to their husband's name upon marriage is evil.  This is a problem since neither of the married women in the family changed their names.  So, she just pretends they did.  She says , "well, X is really Mrs. Y, no matter what her other name is.  Officially, she is Mrs. Y."  When told that, no, the woman's legal name is the same name she always had, she says "well, but really she is Mrs. Y.  Since she is married to Y.  So that is her name, at least according to tradition."  It's pretty funny.  Tradition trumps anything that an individual might want or believe.  At least if she herself likes the tradition, of course.

Names!  They should be their own thread.  It is not surprising it's  a major N issue, since we can picture the landowner naming all of his serfs after himself and the king giving all of his sons his same name.  Since they think everyone is an extension of themselves anyway, why wouldn't they want to control everyone else's name?  How infuriating that they can't, they must think.

Cadbury, what is going on with you and the weirdo? And how is your beautiful baby?