I have a second cousin who is 22, and at University. We went to visit her the other day, and it was a disaster from start to finish. Except the 'disaster' was contained within me for much of the visit and didn't show, so I dare say I ought to say it was overtly amicable, but contained a lot of attempted covert manipulation and aggression, until the end, when it stopped being amicable because I said I wasn't having any more.
We met at the Cathedral near her student flat, and the first thing she said was; 'This is my Cathedral'. Not a good start!!!!! A warning bell sounded in my head straight away.
Not yet exhausted with listening to her, I was able to deal with this one easily enough, by saying that lots of people love the Cathedral, and feel as if it belongs to them in a special way. I cited my dad as one example. She seemed surprised to hear that.
She went on to describe how she organises events there, and therefore the Cathedral belongs to her. (She helped on a committee for
one youth event, attended by about 300 young people, recently. Clearly an achievement to be proud of, but not tantamount to her being 'the' organiser, as she described herself, or owning the Cathedral.)
Cousin is training to be a Youth Worker. I took C with me, and in the 2 or 3 hours we were together, cousin did not address C at all, or ask her anything about her schooling, health or life. Struck me that her interest is not in young people; her only interest is in herself and her own stardom. C said she found her arrogant and rude, and said she was ignored all day.
On the other hand, I looked at her course work, discussed her dissertation, admired her rooms and college; did all those things that you do when visiting a student at college. I listened politely to all her arrogant comments about how wonderful she is, and bit my tongue a hundred times.
Like when she told us we should be honoured because she was missing brunch in the college canteen in order to have lunch with us. I just smiled politely.
I (and others in the family) have always thought this cousin to be rather pushy, always wanting the limelight from when she was small - she used to stand in the middle of the room singing songs, and everyone would clap and tell her how wonderful she was, and she believed it.
Anyway, she is now an evangelical, and because I am not, she enjoys 'discussing' religion with me, in the form of firing accusatory questions at me one after another. It feels as if she is trying to find out where I am heretical, so that she can feel superior to me. So I have to remain ultra orthodox, without compromising any of my beliefs. Very hard work, and not what I wanted to do on a social visit.
I always feel very defensive, and reluctant to engage in these discussions, because I know they will end up badly if I am not careful. Anyway, I was not careful enough the other day, when out of nowhere she started doing this over lunch in a bar. I tried for some time to close the topic, and move onto something less contentious, but she kept on, like a dog at a bone. Eventually she accused me of patronising her (when in fact I was being sincere - I said I admired her enthusiasm and her energy), and it ended with me telling her rather harshly that I did not want to talk to her any more, and she ran away in tears. I must admit, that my feelings at that point were of intense relief. Maybe not very Christian, but I thought, good, she's gone. Serves her right!!
Since then, as you may imagine, I have told nobody. She has told her mother, and enlisted her sympathy, and she has spoken several times to her nana, my aunt, who thinks she is perfect and that I am to blame. I don't blame her for that at all; she is elderly and frail. I do resent cousin using people like this to get back at me, and at her adopting the victim status in this, when she was definitely aggressive in her questions and attitude. And because we were staying with my aunt it meant a lot of listening to her complaining about how I had treated this cousin, and hearing her say over and over; 'I hope ... is all right', when I knew that of the three of us she was the least likely to be actually hurt by what happened. In the end we came home a day early, because I couldn't stand it any longer. I am very sorry for my aunt, but she is having her strings pulled.
I told my aunt that I refuse to accept the blame, because I tried my best to avoid this situation. Her mother has said it is 50:50 which I believe is tantamount to accepting that this girl has problems. Which of us would allow our child to have half the blame for a situation unless we knew she probably deserved more than half?
I would not admit any liability at all in my daughter unless I thought she were totally to blame, and then I might admit half. Same thing. That is what mothers do.
Meanwhile, I am not engaging any more in post mortem behaviour within my family. But trying to be objective, I think this is another of those guilt ridden successes. I maintained a boundary, maybe not terribly adroitly, but I maintained it, and prevented her trampling all over me for the sake of being polite. And as one of the first times I have achieved this within my family, even though only extended family rather than close, that is a good thing. Another first is that this cousin heard the truth about herself possibly for the first time ever. Not the whole truth - I am not that unkind - just enough to show that she is not Queen of the Universe.
Apart from that, the holiday was lovely. We visited Hadrians Wall inter alia, and the countryside was really beautiful. But it is soooooo wonderful to be home again.
Best part of coming home is that C has contacted 2 of her friends from junior school who she has not seen for almost a year, and has arranged to meet them this week for a day out. I have been trying to persuade her to do this for months, and am really pleased that being away from home made the difference, and made her miss them enough to make the calls. That is a really positive step forward, imo.
