Now here is a dilemma -

[jophil]

There is a school of thought that holds that we marry those folk who-
A.Remind us of our parents.
b. Offer us an adult opportunity to make right those things over which we had no power as children.
However, if we form a relationshipas adults with an NPD it seems that our attempts to 'heal' are not ever likely to come true. Instead of 'putting it right', we are just further wounded and harmed by the same pathological creatures.........Geez life can be a beach!

[mum]

Hi, Jophil:
A and B are one in the same if you look at it this way:

EVERY thing we do in life is an opportunity to "get it right".....from childhood issues, "past life" issues (if you so desire to think this way) and EVERYTHING, including marrying an N, has purpose for us to learn.
Why some of us must choose SUCH PAIN (     )
is something to think about, if you want......but we still have the choice to learn (and get the heck out!)

Yup, life is a beach.....a real sunny beach!!

[dogbit]

Jeepers, have you got it right!  I was bound and determined to fix everything wrong in my original family via my current family.  What a moron I am.  But now I know....divorce pending!  But we have to break the cycle at some time....bittles

[longtire]

Jophil, I think this is true if we are unaware.  Or, to put it another way, it is true to the extent and in those areas we are unaware.  Awareness is the cure.  Being conscious of the choices we make and WHY we make them is the key.  You may still try to do some of the same things that caused so much pain in the past from awareness and find that either the outcome is much different and that is great or the outcome is not different at all and you cannot get the results you would like.  Either way, being conscious of your reasons for doing it allows you to be OK regardless of the outcome because it was totally up to you to choose to try.

I'm not sure what I just wrote makes any sense.  I think what I'm really trying to say is that there is hope. You are NOT doomed to repeat this cycle now that you are aware of it.  You can choose and even change your mind if the first choice doesn't work out the way you want it to.

[jophil]

Longtire - In my opinion,we are still drawn to those those characteristics in others which resemble Mom's and Dad's whether we are aware of it or not. I agree with you that awareness is the key to avoiding them, however we will still be attracted to these people at a deeper level. You are right about choice. When we 'get it' we are at least armed with knowledge and insight and if we then connect up with 'them', we cannot say OUCH later.

It was a revelation to me to realize that, as an adult, I have no more power and control over NPD people that I had as a child.  They are soul-destroying parasites who feed on, and comsume other people for their own petty, mindless gratification. We have paid much too high a price for the wisdom that has come from our connection with them.
John.

[Brigid]

John,

It was a revelation to me to realize that, as an adult, I have no more power and control over NPD people that I had as a child. They are soul-destroying parasites who feed on, and comsume other people for their own petty, mindless gratification. We have paid much too high a price for the wisdom that has come from our connection with them.

I think for me, I have learned that you cannot have power over an N personality, or any personality for that matter.  Would you want to?  Is having power over someone else a worthy goal?  The only person you can have power over is yourself, IMO.  What you learn from the experience of being in a relationship with one or in my case, several N persons, is what gives you the power and introspection to not repeat that mistake.  Obviously, in the case of N parents, we did not choose the relationship, but can choose how we deal with it now as adults.

If my marriage had not collapsed, I would not have the insight and knowledge that I now have.  I would have lived the rest of my life hanging onto a very incomplete relationship that was satisfying very few needs and giving me nothing even close to love, caring, respect, intimacy, passion or anything else that should be in a healthy relationship.

This experience has opened my eyes to so much of how people behave the way they do.  I had naively been viewing the world through the eyes of someone who wanted to see the good in everyone and couldn't imagine how some people made the choices they did.  I now get it.

Knowledge is power.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hi all:

Hey John:

...as an adult, I have no more power and control over NPD people that I had as a child.

Do you mean you had/have no power/control over the harm they caused to you/are causing you, or the behaviours, or both??

As a child, I think I felt ......like I had no power to stop the behaviour of those who hurt me, no way to control when the next episode might occur....helpless/powerless to stop what was happening to me and others in my family.

But inside.....for some reason......I decided, even as a kid, that I was in charge of my inside (that's the way I thought then....now I would use the more adult word....mind or brain).  So in a way, I felt I had secret power and control.....they could hurt me in some ways, on the outside, but they could not hurt me inside and they didn't even know it!

But I would have loved to have been able to stop the behaviours that were causing damage.....taken control......had the power to end it.
I have to be honest.  I would have done it in a minute!!!

As an adult.......as embarrassing as it is,   , as N as it sounds, if I had the power to stop people from behaving so as to hurt others, to be in control of that, to end it..........I would do it, I think, fast and furiously.  I don't know if I would love it, as I thought I would as a kid, but I really think I would take control, be powerful, and save those who are suffering, given the chance.

And if I could stop those people who have caused/are causing me personal harm, I think I might do that quick as a flash, and maybe talk about all my N problems at some later date.  It just seems natural to me to want/sich to save myself/others from sick behaviours.

The reality is.....ofcourse.....no one can take control, or be powerful over anyone else....unless anyone else chooses to submit.   The chances of N's submitting to as much as a lice check are pretty slim.

Still........it's a nice fantasy!!  

GFN

[Anonymous]

"sich"

New word??

Please delete!!

Thanks, GFN

[mudpuppy]

GFN,

The chances of N's submitting to as much as a lice check are pretty slim.

         
That's a good one.

The only question is, how would you find lice on a louse?  

mudpup

[Portia]

Hi John

We have paid much too high a price for the wisdom that has come from our connection with them.

Sometimes I think this too. Then I think:
I get a chance to change, they don’t.
I get a chance to die in peace, they don’t.

If we don’t pay the high price for wisdom, we don’t get any wisdom - we die confused and unhappy. Not an option for me! I don't mind dying unhappy, but I wouldn't like to die angry and confused. That's sad.

[NOdivorcLESSspousDIES]

BY Unless spouse dies i mean
dies spiritually
where they are so bent on destroying the spirit of the other
that it would be foolish to remain with them...
yet this best be done with spiritual discernment
and that the spirit can work miracles
even on a narcissist
which seems to most here considered an impossibility it seemeth...

but one i think it can be determined that
the spouse is so dead set on damaging the other
and not giving any real chance
..ah but when the n tells u that thru the  holy spirit
they know that a divorce should not happen...
well...... it could be a lying spirit