Invitation to a wedding

[October]

My probably N younger brother is getting married to his girlfriend of 6?? 7?? 8 years??  On the Indian subcontinent.  And we are invited.   

Along with Nmum and codad, Nbrother and wife and 3 boys.  To share a plane for 8 hours, then another for a further 2 hours, then a flat for 2 weeks.  Followed by UK wedding (or not) and party a fortnight later.  NYbrother sees no problem with any of this, and is sure it will all happen.  Characteristically he says that his girlfriend can organise the ISC wedding, and we can organise the UK one, and he will just have to turn up.  Very N.

Meanwhile, he doesn't know whether he wants a church wedding, a register office or a church blessing.  But one thing he wants is a record at the UK record office so that anyone doing genealogy in 100 years time can find his certificate of marriage, which they would not do if he marries only abroad.     I found it impossible not to laugh at that very N statement.  But I said, if you want a record, it has to be a wedding.  Then he said he was not really thinking of anything but a party.  How can you reason with people like this????

Trying to talk mum and dad out of going, and into just attending the UK bit, as they have already been to this brother's place.  But dad is very keen to go, and says it will be much easier to travel all together.  I said I thought the opposite, because everyone feels obliged to look after everyone else, and nobody is ever happy.

He said there is the option of an overnight hotel stay part way there, but it isn't worth stopping half way, even though it is a very long, very tiring journey.  I said I disagree; if there is an overnight stay I will take it every time; why kill yourself getting there?

Daughter is very keen to go.  I can't see a way to go and spend so much time with my family, and the more I think about it the worse it all gets.

Need to check out her health anyway, and see what she is up to.  May be jabs and such that she cannot cope with at present.  Then we could go (on our own) next year instead.  Much better!!  Parents are very old and may not be able to get insurance.  Well, I can only hope ...

The only possible way I can see myself managing to go, would be with myself, daughter and older brother only in ISC (stopping at hotel en route), then all family in UK for party.  Nothing wrong with that.   

[bunny]

Forgive my butting in, but if it were me, I would not attend this wedding as it's incredibly inconvenient. Keep us posted on your plans.

bunny

[write]

I suggest you send him a  hearty congratulations card hoping he has a good trip and happy marriage etc, politely declining the invitation and ignore all further attempts to get you involved in making his arrangements.

If you feel guilty get them a nice gift, but don't do anything else you don't want to.

It sounds like your whole family is putting pressure on you, my family is like this, I had to learn to set my own  boundaries. They resent it, but at least I'm not plagued by their half-assed behaviour any more! I had another email from my sister just this week telling me how unfair I am being to my father, but for the first time I didn't get upset, I replied saying she is entitled to her own relationship with him, her experiences aren't the same as mine. She hasn't replied back but is apprently going to attend dad's wedding; more than she did for either of mine.

I spent a lot of years putting up with rejections and bad behaviour because I pretended to myself that they weren't as bad as they seemed, or that my feelings didn't matter as much as keeping the peace ( which was a joke- there never was any peace! ) or retaining their affection ( another joke )

Don't be afraid to break away if it's what you need.

[October]

Forgive my butting in, but if it were me, I would not attend this wedding as it's incredibly inconvenient. Keep us posted on your plans.

bunny

You're not butting in at all, Bunny.  Things are very strange at present.  Older brother says he won't go, and the boys will be at school so they can't.  Mum is (apparently, but you get this via dad) upset at the idea of YB becoming a moslem to marry (she is very very racist).  Dad is equally upset at the idea of moslem grandchildren.  His way of saying it was as follows; 'I never thought I would see the day when a grandchild of mine prayed to God by putting his forehead on the ground and his backside in the air.'  The obvious answer is, perhaps you won't see the day, dad, as they are only just marrying this year.

C is still keen to go, and in some ways I would like it, because I would like to meet the fiancees family and to get to know them, something which yb has never bothered much with, I don't think.

The health side is ok; C is clear to go.  We still need to consider jabs and visas, though.  We may even run out of time, in which case a trip some other year may be better.

Inconvenient is right.  And of course the other problem is David's health.  C says she doesn't want to go if there is any danger that he will get ill while we are away.  We will find out more on Saturday; we are going to visit him then to see how he is.  Got my car serviced today and I can drive with less anxiety knowing it is all fine.

As for write's comments about boundaries; my family does not recognise boundaries at all.  Ian is particularly bad at it.  He is (at times, not always) very generous with money, but has no idea whatever about emotions.

[Carrie Anne]

I recently flew 1300 miles plus an additional two hour drive to attend my n sister's second wedding.  Since my husband and I would be staying at my daughters house, which is right down the street from my extremely n mother, I was expected, as usual, to be responsible for bringing my mother to the wedding.  My mother is a hellcat with me and my husband yet we were expected to cater to her so she could be queen mom at the wedding and put no one out but me, oh so conveniently. Well, I anticipated months in advance that this was going to be put upon me, so I asked my sister to arrange for HER mother to get there.  I felt that since she wanted support for this inconvenient(and expensive for us)  wedding, she should arrange this.  She never cared to do this, just hoping some dumb person other than her would come through and bring mom(it's mostly been me before).  She has never done anything to help anyone who ever needed help at any given time and she was staying true to herself on this one too.  My mother relentlessly asked for us to take her months prior and I stuck to my guns letting these abusive people know that we were coming from far out of town and that we wanted to spend precious time together within our own small family.  My mother is an excessant talker, a creater of much drama, and just crazy mean, especially to my family.  My mother finally had to take the initiative (mere hours before the wedding) for herself and called a relative who readily agreed to take her.  The reception toward us at that wedding was very chilly from my mother, my sister, her fiance' and her children.  They didn't even speak to my husband.  Needless to say, and here is the point..  We were very sorry to have made that trip.  We are always only seen as helpers to be used and if we don't comply, we are worthless to them.  We felt so demoralized and regretful that we even made an effort.  I have always been made to feel responsible for my mother in every way and when I took my stand, I got the treatment that I should have known I would get.  If you can truly feel good about attending and if your family members can treat you with respect and be glad to see you on your terms, then I can understand.  But if you feel you are going to be treated with disrespect and feel demoralized after you've spent so much time, money and emotion, then I have to ask you to think twice and keep yourself and your OWN family's interest to the fore.  I wish I would have just sent a card.  
Carrie

[Sallying Forth]

The only wedding I ever attended besides my own (I mean my Nmother's [smirk] ) and that was a disaster in the making with my Nmother being the "boss", was my Nbrother's. My Nmother insisted I partake in the wedding party as well. Another Nmother wedding!


I stopped having anything to do with them from 1988 and they stopped inviting me to any family gatherings in 2000. Thank goodness!

[write]

BOUNDARIES? How could you...???!!!


~~~~~you have to set your own.


Don't be afraid: and seek a therapist if you need help to do so.

[October]

BOUNDARIES? How could you...???!!!


~~~~~you have to set your own.


Don't be afraid: and seek a therapist if you need help to do so.

My therapist is leaving.