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dealing with the guilt of leaving

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annabelle:
I am feeling very guilty and sad for my n-husband.  Rationally, I know I shouldn't.  Some advice would be so welcome.  Here's my situation now....

I signed a lease secretly and will be moving in in about 3 weeks with just me and my children.  Right now my husband is commuting back to our house on weekends and rents a studio and office space in a city 2 hours away.  This is because he moved his business to this new city.  The plan was for me and the kids to join him in the summer, after my son finished preschool year and I found a job in the city.  Well, I've found a job and found an amazing apartment - a small consolation prize for leaving him.   I made the decision and signed the lease last week and haven't yet told my husband.  I've felt like a liar, a total jerk, and a sneak since.  

Truthfully, I'm scared to tell my husband bc he's been violent towards things - i.e. throwing things, breaking things, etc.  And has come at me before but not done any damage.  Also, I'm scared bc I know he'll break down - has begged etc. when I told him I want a divorce in the past.

My husband does and has admitted he's wrong and sorry and really listened to me about what he does wrong and how it hurts me.  Each time I talk to him (to tell him it won't work between us), he tells me "thank you for talking to me and telling me this.  I didn't realize it before.  I finally get it - how my actions have affected you." etc.etc. Then, "I need to make you happy again.  Tell me what I need to do.  Anything, and I'll do it.  Take medication, go to counseling again, etc."  He has admitted he's wrong, unlike some Ns, but I know other Ns pour on the fake remorse, false promises, fake understanding, etc. and just do more of the same when they've got you again.  

I HAVE seen change in my N in the past 7 months with regard to violence, (after he grabbed my throat and shoved me to the floor, and threw a butter knife my way which went downstairs where our kids were.)  This was the worst he's done.  He, a few months before that, last November, threw whatever was closest to him at the time (pennies on his dresser) at me at close range, and did make my ear and head bleed.  I was shocked.  After at the time 7 years of marriage, his violence had escalated.  You could say it was just pennies, and that it was a reaction to me yelling in his face, and you could say the butter knife was whatever was closest (or you could say it was a knife), but the truth is, his violence which used to be aimed at i.e. furniture, was getting worse.  I've digressed on this, because I've learned to trust you here on this board, and I want you to have the whole picture.  Thanks for listening.  Anyway, no violence since last April, but that's not saying much, because I've read here that it can stop for a year at a time, at least, then start up again.   I just re-read what I've written so far, and I sound like an idiot for trying to minimize his actions.   The physical threat, until recently, has always been just short of the edge - has never "beat me", or caused bruises, but has as I said grabbed my throat then released it immediately (but what a sign to me) and restrained me claiming that I was the one out of control and he needed to calm me down, although kept restraining me far after I'd calmed down.  I can't forget these things he's done to me.  I can't trust that he won't do some or worse again.  I do think he's sorry, but I do think he's helpless to sustain any change.  I just feel so bad for him bc he will always be miserable and he wants to be a good guy.  And I do believe he cares about me (although certainly doesn't show it in a good way!)

So my plan is to tell him I'm moving with the kids to the city where he is right now.  And, that since he wants more time to try to work things out with us, that this is what I need right now - to live in my own space, get my own job, etc., and that we can see what happens in the meantime.  On my terms this time.   I want to get out, on my own first, and then most likely get a divorce.  I feel like a liar, a sneak, like I will be blindsiding him by telling him I signed a lease, etc.  I know he will be angry at not being the one in control and not telling him what I did until I tell him.  

Blah, blah, ANYWAY, in summary, I'd welcome advice (and/or stories of people who've experienced this guilt) on how to get rid of the guilt, what to do if I know he's sorry and wants to change (even though he most probably won't) and how to tell him - in a public place, with someone who knows what I am doing, and a place to go.)  I'd also welcome a reality check.  Thanks friends.

Annabelle

Rojo:
Hey there, Annabelle

Firstly, I really admire your courage in taking the steps necessary to improve yours and your kids' lives.  Your situation is obviously very difficult and gut wrenching.

I haven't personally experienced leaving an abusive N spouse but I feel anyone can see that you have not only been in an unhappy situation, you've also been in a very dangerous situation.  Your husband is a habitually violent man and that is not acceptable, especially when there are kids involved.  Just because he's never beaten you or caused bruises does not mean you have not sustained abuse.  Be careful not to fall into the trap of trying to rationalize and thus reducing the seriousness of this man's violent behavior.  This is so easy to do so don't berate yourself for doing it...we have all done it with our N's, whether it be our spouses, parents, siblings or friends.  Just keep being mindful of the trap's power over you.  Also, you don't have the option of feeling pity for him right now.  Your number one priority at this time is obtaining safety for you and your kids and your every action so far shows how much you know this.  I really admire your strength in seeing what's really going on here.

I can understand feeling guilty, although you shouldn't feel guilty.  Having to sneak around to make your arrangements isn't what a good person like you would normally do when there's someone you love involved (hence the guilt), BUT, these are not normal circumstances, Annabelle.  What you've done has been absolutely necessary for you and your children...there's no guilt or shame in that at all.  All you're doing is being a good mother.  Try to think what you'd say to a friend of yours going through these exact circumstances...what would you be telling her right now?

As for how to tell him...personally, I'd be inclined to tell him in a public place and have at least one male nearby (in case he tries to get violent again).  However, you don't want to antagonise your husband during a potentially volatile time so there must be no way for him to get some ill-founded jealousy ideas.  So, perhaps you know a married couple or two who could be with you when you tell him?  That's what I'd do in your shoes.  I'm not qualified to say whether or not this is the absolute right way to go about things, Annabelle.  I'm just a shmo off the street but I but don't think you can go wrong by erring on the side of caution when it comes to your safety.  I would also probably talk to someone in law enforcement for advise.  Law enforcement professionals deal with potentially violent situations everyday so I'm sure they will have a lot of bankable things to share with you.  You're quite obviously a very smart lady so I'm confident you will know what to do when the time to tell him approaches.

Lastly, if you're not in counseling, I would suggest doing so.  This is such a difficult situation and you will certainly be going through all sorts of emotions not just during the phase of leaving him but also after the fact.  I think you can count of him trying all sorts of very powerful manipulations and pulling on your heart-strings.  You're going to need as much support as you can get to make it easier for you to keep going with your decision.

Hang in there, Annabelle and keep being a friend to yourself.

Blessings to you and your kids,

Rojo

Anonymous:
annabelle,

In a survival situation (this is one), you have to do whatever it takes to get out of there. If that means sneaking or lying, SO BE IT. This is for your survival and that of your kids. You aren't doing it because you are a "liar" or bad person. You're doing it because that is the right strategy for a dangerous situation. Your safety comes way ahead of being "honest" or "truthful" to a violent, impulsive man. You are doing the right thing in my view.

bunny

Anonymous:
Annabelle,

Guilt can be a wolf in sheep clothing at times.  You are feeling guilt right now for many reasons but you keep in mind that you have been dealing with a man who is classified in the same category as Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and Scott Peterson.  Mind control is a major part of their disorder.

That guilt you are feeling is not because you are screwing this man over.   It is because he has trained you to feel that way when you have the urge to buck his system.  They use our feelings of guilt to their advantage.  They know what triggers our guilt feelings and they pull out the big dogs when they need to regain control.  Anytime my xN sensed I felt any guilt about something, he knew he had just struck gold.  Play on my guilt and I will be putty in your hands.  

Me feeling any guilt during my relationship  signaled to me that my N could or would be opposed to what I was doing.  Me feeling guilt about anything meant that I was probably doing something or feeling something that put me number one instead of the N.  

I now can see that while I offered this man unconditional love, I was actually giving him a free pass to emotionally suck me dry.  I felt if I could not stand by him while he worked through his issues then I was not offering unconditional love at all.  

I can understand your feelings of guilt Annabelle.  Having your thoughts and emotions tampered with causes us to doubt the validity of them.  I had my xN telling me how my feelings and thoughts were.  No wonder they seemed so unfamiliar to me.  They were not my feelings or thoughts.  They were introduced into my brain my my N.  He had begun to make me lose touch with myself.  I knew that if I gave him my self worth, my dignity, and control of my emotions, I would be selling my soul to the devil.  

I think alot of guilt I was feeling during our relationship was actually my gut instinct telling me to get the heck out of dodge while the getting was still good.  Guilt can actually be a good thing at times Annabelle.  Sometimes the guilt we feel leads us to not repeat our patterns.  If you really think about it, in order to have guilt, you have to have empathy for something.  They do not have the ability to have empathy and I know for a fact they have no clue what guilt feels like.  If they knew what guilt felt like, do you think for one minute they would treat us this way?  

You really do not owe him any explanation Annabelle.  If he demands one.  Demand he take responsibility for his actions.  Of course you know he won't, so you demand he listen to you when you state that his actions led you to this point.  Your reaction to them is to realize his actions spoke louder then his words ever did.  He might have promised you the moon.  All he delivered was empty promises.  

I have yet to hear of one person who has been treated successfully for NPD.  I have to believe I did what was right for myself.  Although I will never be able to forget him, I will be damned if I will continue to feel any guilt over him.  I used to think how could he just walk away from me after all he had said to me.  It hit me one day while I was hanging my favorite jacket up that I could not recall him ever saying something was his favorite.  I do not remember him saying he had a favorite toy as a child, a favorite suit he wore to work, a favorite cousin, etc.  I truely believe they never have a favorite wife or girlfriend.  Everything in this world is so disposable to them.  They may like something but when its gone its gone.  Know why?  They lack the ability to form bonds and attachments to anything.  

In order to have guilt you have to have a conscious.  You have a conscious and you should never feel guilty about that.  He is the father of your children.  This is a man that you love and thats fine to have those feelings.  We can't always help who we love, trust me I have fought this mental battle with my xN.  But I also realise we can love things that are not good for us.  I love chocolate but that doesn't mean it is good for me.  When I eat it I feel guilty.  Well N are like chocolate.  Too much of N isn't good for anybody, but then again neither is chocolate.

Your feelings are natural.  The only thing I have to say is that I am so thankful that I  still have the ability to feel any feelings at all.  It is a wonder any of us are able to feel anything after being forced to become numb in order to survice.  If we would have lost that ability Annabelle, we could have stayed with them forever.  We would have to be numb to deal with this forever.  

You are doing great sweety.  Do not let his deamons in your head make you think other wise.  I hear my xN deamons every now and then in my head.  Just knowing I have the ability to feel anything right now including guilt lets me know that I am going to be ok.  I am still in touch with my feelings.  Thank God!!   You are still in touch with yours Annabelle.  Don't be scared to listen to your feelings.  You might be feeling guilty but you have to put yourself first.  The guilt will subside when you regain trust in yourself.  The decisions you make from here on out may not always be the right ones, but what could be as bad as what you are living in right now?  

Keep your chin up.   Do not allow your guilt to let your guard down when it comes to him.  That is a lethal combination.  The minute they sense guilt from you, that signals them that you are very vulnerable.  That is the perfect time for them to strike out with N rage.  Reach out to anyone if you need strength.  Anyone other then your husband that is.  You can do whatever you put your mind to.  You and only you can decide what your mind is capable of.  Work on your own strength and do not allow his weaknesses to continue to suck you dry.

Jaded911:
Psst, that was from me^^^^

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