Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

Treat the "child" in you...my story

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Anastasia:
As a product of a narcissistic mother who I am having to relearn to deal with all over again (I was in another part of the country for 20 years), I can only be happy over not raising my child around this atmosphere--and for trying to heal MYSELF by treating my child with all the logic and love that I missed; but, then again, I loved being a parent vs. my mother's not wanting children at all.  I must have done an okay job as my child really likes to be around me once or twice a week (he's still single...we shall  see how this turns when he meets Ms. Right..haha!) and, IMHO, if any child wants to be with their parent after 21 when he does not have to...you must have done something right (unless the child is totally codependent which mine is not).  Well, that's my logic, anyway.
Regardless,  this board is so needed and I am so delighted over finding it!
Thank you for starting this!
Anyway, my advice on how to heal yourself as best you can:  if you have kids, grandkids, of your own--do all for them that wasn't done for you in the emotional sense (talk to them, give them the wisdom of your years and teach them useable tools to enable them to thrive and succeed in their own lives).  Just my 2 cents worth. :)

I_am_mine:
Some very good advice, and I know that's something I have to work on, and keep working on.  My Ndad...well, it's not that he didn't want children, he just wanted carbon copies of himself, and since he got 2 girls (MAJOR disappointment), he still tried his best to beat us into submission.  Not physically "beat" (I do have that to be thankful for) - but the words...the guilt...the constant "YOU are defective or you'd be just like me"...48 years of that...mom, who was our buffer and peacemaker (how did she do it for 54 years?) passed away last July, and Ndad was just diagnosed with Alzheimers...so guess who his caretakers are?  My sis and me!

Trying to make peace with the fact that we have to do the best we can for him, but...it's so hard not to think "Mister N, you used mom like a slave, you tried your damndest to ruin my sis and me - NOW we should take care of you like a cherished father?  Maybe if you'd cherished us, we'd have had a better model for how to help you now."

Sometimes I catch myself in repeating my Ndad's behavior with my kids...and I just want to stick my head in the oven!  But the more I learn about Ndad, the more I learn about myself (which is even more important), the more I see the truth for what it REALLY is, not Ndad's version - the better it gets.  

I DO NOT WANT TO PASS THIS BEHAVIOR TO THE NEXT GENERATION!

I REFUSE TO DO THAT!

Anastasia, I too love being a mother - the best thing that ever happened to me.  I'm proud of my boys, I love them like I've never loved another human being...that's what makes me keep working on this.

Thanks for your thoughtful words - you just reminded me to take the blinders off, and see REAL things, and learn to react in a healthy way.

Thanks - you sound like the kind of parent I wish my Ndad could have been.

bobbie

Anastasia:

Anonymous:
Anastasia,

I read this and I could not help but think of your post.  
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The story of Narcissus and Echo is one of self-love that precludes the ability to see, hear, or react to the needs of another.Without too much of a stretch, it stands as a poignant allegory for the interactive relationships of the narcissistic family.
In a healthy situation, parents accept responsibility for meeting a variety of their children's needs; they get their own needs met by themselves, each other, and/or other suitable adults...

In a narcissistic family the responsibility for the meeting of emotional needs.. shifts to the child. The child becomes inappropriately responsible for meeting parental needs and in so doing is deprived of the opportunities for necessary experimentation and growth.
*********************************************************

It makes me sad to think that they can not love anything deeply enough to work on theirselves.  If they would have taken the time spent demeaning and condemning  their kids, applied that time to working on theirself, everyone could have benefited by it.  The children would have the jump in life they so deserved and the parents would have enjoyed their kids instead of feeling they were a nuisance.  Everyone loses don't they?  

Jaded

Anastasia:
However, what can you do when the Narcissist won't acknowledge the problem?  My mother has been self-conscious and in pain for her entire life, but won't take a minute to work on it.  I never understood it, myself.
I think she likes the attention she can draw by being "unhealthy", really.
I always felt "objectified" by my Mother:  everything I did reflected on her as if it was her doing it.  She didn't want me to have my own thoughts even.  A Cousin told me when she visited (she was in her 20's then) and I was about 10, it was like my Mother even wanted to pick my friends for me.  I just hated it is all I know...and couldn't wait to get away from her and her overbearng ways.
...and I did.
For some reason, she isn't pulling this anymore.  She interfered in my marriage in my early 30's and--after I left for 21 years--seems to have calmed down alot.  She isn't interfering like she did, anyway...so she is alot more tolerable than before when I lived closer.
Because of her behavior, I never snooped or interfered with my son's choices often (unless they were waaay off base and thought he would hurt himself).  As a result, he and I have a great relationship today.  You learn from your parents mistakes.
After years and years of pain and hurt and total consfusion as to why my mother was as she was, I can honestly say (1.) I don't care what her problem is anymore and (2.) I'm a happy person....but, geez, I had to go thru so much pain to get here.  What a trip that was!  Hopefully, I live another 30 years to 89...and they are my happiest.  When I think of the confusion and pain I went thru until I was around my 44th year...what a waste of my energy that was. :?

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