Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

Treat the "child" in you...my story

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Discounted Girl:
Yes, I agree with almost all of the postings on this thread. Anastasia, to make a comment on your reflections -- I think I feel mostly like you do for the horrible treatment I received from my Nmother for so so so so many years. How she can stand her ownself is a wonder to me. She is so nasty, unkind and quite frankly I can't find any redeeming qualities in her. It doesn't matter, I no longer care if she has qualities of any description. What I wanted to say is that what I feel is a sense of "mourning" for the years, oh so many of them, that I literally wasted, squirming around trying to please the unpleaseable (is that a word?). Did I grow from that? Yes, but I still wasted precious time. I am only going to walk this world one time, and I wasted a great deal of the time God gave me. I am angry, feel foolish, I don't want revenge, just simple recognition. I am grieving for the time I lost -- I am grieving for the sad little girl that is still inside, who could never understand what she had done to be hated so by her own mother.  :(

Anastasia:
Discounted Girl (who an awesome name):  We are on exactly the same wavelength!  And I have always wondered how my Nmother can "look herself in the mirror" but--since she is totally narcissistic and it is always about HER--she isn't even aware what a pig she is.  
She pulled her typical one last night by telling me that when my son gets married I would be so "jealous of his wife" that "I wouldn't be able to stand it."  And why would she say this?  This is projection totally:  Why?  Because she was so jealous (yes, kids, I am aware how totally sick this is) of me when I was 15 and onward because I have large breasts and she is flat chested that she acted like I was a rival for my horrid stepfather's attention...yeeeew icky!!!!  Yes, she is THAT screwed up!  So, in her own little projecting way (as per usual), she assumes that I would be jealous of my daughter-in-law when I get one because SHE in the same position would be.  Sick...pathetic...I know, I know.
And here I sit waiting for the day my son is ready to get married thinking that it would be great to have the daughter (I never had) who will become more of a family and one more person to love in my life...not counting on those grandchildren I cannot wait to play with and spoil.
I told her she was "fucked up" and she screamed "you can't talk to me that way" and slammed the phone down. Of course, old selfish mother can say and DOES the most horrible things in the world to me or other people, but  she acts as if she thinks the world should just revere her.
She is just a classic insensitive, unempathetic, totally self-absorbed narcissist; and, I realize, she is miserable deep down in many ways, totally self-conscious about herself and just so out of touch it is pathetic.
Sigh....I can only work on my reaction to it.  Any suggestions?

Discounted Girl:
Yes, they are sickos and there's no sense beating around the bush. I still say a lot of this N business is just from people who develop the bad habit of picking on someone and since they are inherently nasty to start with they don't feel ashamed or the desire to improve. Guilt is not something they ever feel. I don't think they are mentally ill, I think they are just plain mean. Would a normal person hate a baby? Gosh, a little baby needs to be loved -- holy cow !! Why are they like that? I don't know, but their cruelties and smear tactics only work on people who have more substance than they do. My Nmother has N'd lots of people in her life and some have just laughed at her or told her to get lost and then moved on. She has found most of her food from me and had I not been a child, trapped in her care, and grew up to be a person of substance, compassion and concern, I would have blown her off long, long ago. So, their dirty deeds only work on people who have open hearts. A closed heart can't bleed. My fake brother and his fake family are prime examples. They lick on her and pretend to care, and as soon as they leave, I am quite certain they never think of her again, unless it's to cash the check. While I am glad that I am not that shallow or out for my own personal gain, I DO wish that, especially when I was a teen and young adult, I had laughed in her face, patted my behind and told her to kiss it, brought home some scumbuckets and embarrassed her, instead of always being the goody two-shoes. And, yes, she was jealous of me, not for the chest, but for my hair. It still makes me nauseous to think about it. How can you hate your little girl? You know what ?? She never held me until I was 6 days old. She told me that story about 10,000 times in my life, constantly talking about it. She's got to be the star of the show, no matter what. It wasn't until about 5 years ago that I switched my thinking to realize she was the weirdo not the little 6 day old baby !!! What did I ever do to deserve her hatred ?? When my boys were born I could not wait to touch them and kiss them. Be jealous of my own kids ?? Come on !!! Be jealous of a girl that my son might fall in love with? No way !!! I intend to welcome her and love her and their children with all my heart. If, for some reason, I ever found fault with her NOBODY would ever know. I would never never cause trouble for my children. They are my responsibility, I want their lives to be wonderful and filled with love and happiness -- THAT'S MY JOB !! I made that choice to have them.

I no longer speak to my mother -- not since the day we buried my father. She had to steal the show at the last moment -- she held out till the very end and then put on her drama with me as the badguy. That woman has no pride or concern as to how others perceive her. Total nut case. Sometimes I think her final rip into my heart was to push me over the edge so that she could give all my dad's money to my fake brother and his fake wife and his fake kids and maybe fund their drug habits ! I laughed when I read that you told your mother she was "f'd up" -- boy, do I ever envy you your courage to say that. I have never had the chance to tell mine what I think of her. She runs away when things are not going in her direction. She has even checked herself in the hospital to avoid having a face-off with someone she thought might give it back to her.  Just a complete fruitloop old bag.

I don't know what to tell you on how to deal with her - my initial comment would be to freeze her out, cut her off, let her go feed off someone else. I don't know. I can tell you one thing, never, never under any circumstances, I will die first, will I let that N who actually gave birth to me and hated me, never will I let her hurt me again. She must think I am an alien, some parasite she had to endure for 9 months and then hated. Sometimes I fantasize that she gave me away to some lady who would have loved me and rocked me and sang to me and told me stories and played games with me -- who would have talked with me about boys and makeup and girly things. I had to figure everything out myself, she never helped me with my homework, she never even asked me if I had any homework. My first bra was literally thrown at me from across the room and she and my brother and my dad all stood there and laughed at me. I remember wanting to die of embarrassment. She says-- here you need this and threw it at me.  They were all laughing -- how cruel is that ? I ran to my bed crying, just totally mortified. When I started my periods, barely 11 yr old, I didn't know what to do. She didn't help me at all -- nothing. I didn't have any money to go buy pads -- I was so embarrassed -- I would sneak into her drawers and get some. I get so mad sometimes thinking about her. I tell you I have good childhood memories surrounding my father but totally zero with my mother.

I have always gotten along better with men than women. I always thought it was cause I had no positive experience with women. I have no sisters, no daughters, not even a close female cousin. I have an aunt who I am pretty sure loves me. It was a known belief in our household that I was second to my brother because boys were more desirable than girls. When I was little and played mother, I pretended my children were boys. Then, I grew up and had 2 boys. It's just incredible -- I manifested my thought patterns. I got to go -- got that sick tight feeling in my stomach again.

Good luck to all of us -- MEMORIES BE GONE !!!

Anastasia:
I have always had a problem with women who hated women.  Where does this come from?  Is it seeing other women as competition?
As for me, although I am heterosexual, I have always had an equal liking for men and women.  Don't know why.  Just the way it is.  I'm happy.
Maybe the fact that I had a looney mother and a totally sick stepfather who raised me--and I equally disliked them both--maybe that helped me like both sexes...pretty funny actually...ha!  
Regardless, Discounted Girl, how I can relate to so many of your stories and situations.
You know my Nmother used to call me the "big titted cow" and other demeaning names.  I didn't call her flat as a pancake but I did, one short period, make fun of her A cup bra.  I just got sick of her nasty and insulting mouth.  I just thought she was not only unmotherly but an ass for doing that...a jealous ass at that.

CC:
Anastasia,

Going a little off the subject here, but I wanted to address this:


--- Quote ---I have always had a problem with women who hated women. Where does this come from? Is it seeing other women as competition?

--- End quote ---


While I certainly do not hate women, and have women friends that I have healthy relationships with - I will say that they are few and far between, and that over my lifetime, I have always preferred the company of men.  

I attribute this to mistrust, and inability to relate... because the two women role models in my life were highly narcissistic (my mother and my sister who is 13 years my elder).

I felt the competitiveness that you spoke about when I was in college and high school - and the competitiveness to be "as pretty, as popular" stemmed from my lack of acceptance from my own mother.  I was never good enough - therefore, I sought constantly to be good enough or better than the other women acquaintances in my life.  I formed superficial friendships with them when I was younger to gain approval and to gain popularity with men, with whom I preferred the company of anyway.  But the truth was, I was never truly happy inside, and no matter how popular I appeared on the outside, I never felt accepted by other women.

Even now, in my adult life and after some healing - I find that seeking out new friendships with women is not my favorite pastime.  I am comfortable with the two or three women friends that I'm close to - and even those friends I only speak with once or twice a month, if that.

Anyway, just thought I'd shed some light from another perspective - I am wondering if the women that "hate" women (more extreme cases than me) are really a product of where they came from.

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